November 16, 2010

All Your Questions Answered

So after my star turn on this episode of A Current Affair last night, I have been bombarded with questions about four particular issues (and yes, three questions can definitely be a 'bombardment'). People wish to know:

A) What on earth am I doing with a white sofa when I have KIDS?

B) Were they my real children or stunt-double pefect children?

C) Were they my real eyebrows or stunt-double perfect eyebrows?

D) Why was I cut off so rudely at the end of my interview?

Thank you all so much for your interest in these terribly important issues. I shall now address each question in turn.

A) Why do I have a white sofa when I have kids? Because I also have a Husband, and he is a Designer (said in Very Important Tones), and according to my Husband the Designer, a white sofa is the only possible design solution for that particular Space. (Architects do not refer to 'rooms' or 'areas', they refer to 'spaces'. Please remember that.)
Never mind that one out of three of my kids is a Toddler, that two out of three of my kids are very clumsy, or that three out of three of my kids are incredibly messy. Never mind that I spend approximately 47 minutes EACH DAY OF MY LIFE cleaning that couch with special White Sofa Cleaner (also known as 'Chux Magic Erasers', and no thisisnotasponsoredpost, but while we're on the subject they are the best thing since sliced bread, in fact better, because they get rid of the Vegemite stains that sliced bread leaves behind). I HATE that friggin white sofa. It is the bane of my existence. I'm kicking it now.

B) Yes they were my real children sitting on my real white sofa. And yes, they are perfect. They sit there for HOURS like that, placid, serene and compliant, with their little legs sticking out and their little mouths hanging open. Sometimes they even drool. And then I turn off the TV and they become hideous monsters again. So I try to turn it off only rarely. After all, I don't have time to deal with monster children. I'm too busy cleaning the white sofa.

C) Yes they were my real eyebrows. However, they have not always been my real eyebrows. My real eyebrows used to look like this:
It took months - no, years - of painful - no, excruciatingly painful - electrolysis to get them looking so perfect. So praise my eyebrows. And keep it coming. Because every single one of those hairs needed to be plucked out at the root and a red hot poker thrust in to kill the follicle, and I'm going to need a LOT of appreciation to make up for that hideous trauma.

D) Why was I cut off so rudely at the end of my interview? Well, as Tracy Grimshaw so eloquently expressed in her tweet, it was an itchy trigger finger in the control room of ACA. But to tell you the truth, I must accept some responsibility. After all, I did not stop talking. For about two hours. In fact, I continued to talk long after the camera crew had left my house, driven down the road, and off into the night. I continued to talk long after the TV had been switched off and my kids had resumed smearing Nutella all over the white sofa. If you really want to know, I am still talking now, as I kick the white sofa with all my might. So don't be too harsh on ACA. I pose a pretty tough editing challenge.

I hope that answers all your questions. So, from me, and Tracy Grimshaw....

Goodnight.

24 comments:

  1. Your eyebrows are like demi-Gods. Thou shalt not worship false idols, or eyebrows. Only the One True Pair.

    *Lights candle, chants*

    ReplyDelete
  2. I shall sleep tonite now that those questions have been answered. And I totally agree, those little white chux thingies are the best things since sliced bread. Awesome on walls too! (this is not a sponsored comment either).

    ReplyDelete
  3. ooooo, I don't watch ACA so I'm glad you linked the story. Kerri you were MADE for TV, move over Tracy Grimshaw!!!

    and I'm envious of your eyebrows x

    ReplyDelete
  4. A) white couch + designer husband? Understand completely.
    B) of course your children were perfection.
    C) OMG the eyebrows. (Am so, so glad I'd had mine done to perfection the day before I met you or yours would have made me DIE of shame.
    D) Seriously ACA, what were you thinking? Clearly a follow up interview is needed.
    There. Now I feel better as well.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I concur re the magic erasers. I buy them in bulk and I don't even own a white sofa!!!! I do, however own a messy toddler.
    Seriously Kerri, the camera loves you! You looked amazing x

    ReplyDelete
  6. I noticed neither the eyebrows NOR the perfectly behaved children because I was temporarily blinded by that sofa.

    MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. RE b). This is an excellent example of inspired parenting. Same is applied at our home and my youngest knows his way around the remotes better than I do. Clearly he's a genius.

    and forget sofa, how much time did you have to get "space" and kids clean before camera arrived.

    ReplyDelete
  8. We had a white couch once. No one was allowed to sit on it, especially not my plumber husband who had the cheek to come home filthy most days.

    So we stood up a lot. Or sent the kids to be early until one day, after going through a whole tub of baby wipes (which are awesome to clean with btw), I snapped and sold it on ebay. Got fuck all for it but at least my husband could sit down again. On our chocolate coloured lounge.

    Your kids are very cute and I was up in arms when you got cut off. Silencing Sackville is a national disgrace.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ms Styling You:

    I didn't need to spend any time cleaning at all as my house is always spotless.

    That was a complete lie.

    Love, The Messy Pig

    ReplyDelete
  10. I did miss you on the telly, but I caught up with you on the ACA website so I could sleep easy!

    Some people are observant, aren't they.

    I didn't even notice the white couch, the perfect children (I thought all children behaved like that all of the time!) or your perfect eyebrows (sorry).

    But I did notice you were cut off rather abruptly, and I did assume it was because you wouldn't stop talking! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hysterical! I have no idea why you haven't kept your eyebrows in their "original" state? Kirsty

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nice to have someone admit that zombie-like children are in fact NOT a bad thing. So will continue to encourage children to watch TV, minus white sofa or perfect eyebrows. Also much jealous of Designer husband. Or any husband, frankly.

    What TV action have you got planned for the rest of the week?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Was watching ACA as you do...Heard Kerri Sackville's name mentioned and sat up a bit straighter on the lounge. Oooh, I know her!! Kind of, sort of - well, not really...but we've tweeted a bit together. My claim to fame. Didn't notice ACA had cut you off, I was too busy wondering how on earth you kept the white lounge spotlessly clean with three kids in the family???
    But then look what happened next!! You got an apology from the "hostess with the mostess" Tracy Grimshaw herself. All's right with the world now.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kirsty: I had to groom eyebrows as people kept mistaking them for giant caterpillars & trying to remove them from my face.

    Dorothy: Not sure yet, but am hoping to host the Oscars next year. Or the Logies for SURE

    ReplyDelete
  15. Suspect I was one of the bombarders, as I tweeted at length about your eyebrows last night, only to then get told off for being shallow. At which point, to prove my depth, I moved on to tweeting about your couch.
    Thank you SO much for clearing that all up. Am very interested to hear that your eyebrows were tamed with red hot pokers. Ssuspect that that's what you've used on the kids too.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kerri - LAUGHING myself silly & thank goodness for Panty liners (thisisnotasponsoredpost)
    You are a gifted person - you can make the mundane ( cleaning white sofas) hilarious & the deep & meaningful (reason for white sofa) witty & pithy - not like an orange tho'

    No-one has asked - I don't think - how did you get the gig?
    Did you have to muck out Tracy Grimshaw's horse's stable?

    I'm thinking about Toddler and her new name.
    Is she more - ahem-gregarious than her sister?
    Coz you could go with Noisy Girl (NG) & Peaceful Girl (PG)
    Suggestion only!!

    Love your humor and your writing. Please keep on keeping on (thisisnotasponsoredpost)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I know your children. I think you drugged them

    But by God you look just as amazing as you look in real life xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am so in awe of the gleaming white sofa that I totally missed the perfect eyebrows and Stepford children.

    I mean, it's WHITE, ffs! WHITE! With kids in da howse! I have poo brown leather sofas in my house and I struggle to keep those clean!

    Actually, that's a lie. I don't even try to keep them clean. It's just not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I have never thought of a white lounge for a family, i've seen them, heard about them, thought it was a myth. We have the King Furniture Jasper in dark brown leather, it's faultless, multifunctional & all round family of 6 perfection!! I do leather shampoo & condition it monthly, i worship it in fact. My issue though, is how with a 10 seater lounge, why can't 4 children sit on it without touching each other?? Amazing!! Wishing you & your white lounge well, shall think of you when i'm next cleaning mine with gusto. Love Posie

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mind you clean the mark you put on the white sofa when you kicked it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am impressed that you endured electrolysis. I have considered it. I may have to consider it again in the near future - the older I get, the more like David Boon I seem to be getting in the facial hair department. Perhaps that's a story for ACA?

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was blinded by HOW FREAKING CLEAN YOUR HOUSE IS.

    white lounge, shiny surfaces.

    It's official, you can never ever come to my house. It is a tip. No really. A TIP.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I fear you have become too famous. You are now public property, and I shall have to stand in line to bow before you, when you go viral. {If you see what I mean.}

    ReplyDelete
  24. Kerri - LAUGHING myself silly & thank goodness for Panty liners (thisisnotasponsoredpost)
    You are a gifted person - you can make the mundane ( cleaning white sofas) hilarious & the deep & meaningful (reason for white sofa) witty & pithy - not like an orange tho'

    No-one has asked - I don't think - how did you get the gig?
    Did you have to muck out Tracy Grimshaw's horse's stable?

    I'm thinking about Toddler and her new name.
    Is she more - ahem-gregarious than her sister?
    Coz you could go with Noisy Girl (NG) & Peaceful Girl (PG)
    Suggestion only!!

    Love your humor and your writing. Please keep on keeping on (thisisnotasponsoredpost)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!