November 17, 2010

The Day My Breasts Went Psycho

Every few years, my bras fall apart and have to be replaced.

This is a problem for me, as my breasts have also fallen apart, and though they really should be replaced, I have ethical (and financial, and practical) problems with this. So I have to stick with my breasts, and just work around them as best I can.

I've been wearing the same bras for three years now, since my breasts returned to normal after the birth of Toddler (using the word 'normal' in the sense of 'not at all like a supermodel, or indeed any woman whose breasts have ever been lusted after by a man').

Sadly, my breasts did not grow back after the inevitable post-breastfeeding deflation. To the contrary. Over the past three years, they have kept on SHRINKING. I do not know this was actually possible, as I didn't think one could get much smaller than an A cup, but apparently it is. So now my tiny little breasts swim in their cups, leaving a pocket of space that is quite handy to store tissues or loose change, but that rather undermines the nice shape I am trying to achieve.

So last week, I had to bra shop. I don't much enjoy bra shopping. This is partly because it is a pain to take off all my upper garments and try on 750 bras whose straps and hooks need adjusting before I can get them over my shoulders, and partly because it's rather humiliating having a firm bosomed young woman fiddle with my flappy waggly wigglies.

Still, I made the effort. And I cannot quite describe what went on in that tiny changeroom. I mean, I could, of course, but I think it would be dangerously disturbing for my female readers, far too traumatic for me, and WAY too exciting for those men amongst you who have only clicked onto this post because it had 'breast' in the title.

Suffice it to say that I ended up with three different bras:

1) A very lovely black strapless bra, that keeps my breasts nicely in place whilst remaining hidden from view, unless I'm wearing something white, which I usually am, in which case my very lovely black bra is going to be an extremely prominent feature;

2) A delightful, lacey, blue push-up, that creates an illusion of cleavage in low-cut tops, with the unfortunate but manageable tendency to allow my nipple to continually slip out in eye-popping wardrobe malfunctions; and

3) An 'adjustable' flesh coloured bra, with clear straps, that cleverly makes my four breasts look twice the size they usually are. Which is great, except that I really only want two breasts, and until I put this particular bra on, that's what I had.

So as you can see, none of my bras are quite ideal. But then again, neither are my breasts, so it's not like I had a lot to work with. And really, so far they're working quite well.

Four-breasted nipple flash, anyone?


  1. Too hilarious!!!

    I must confess that I'm at the opposite end of the bra-size spectrum and this has its own unique problems.

    Thank you for a brilliant post that genuinely had me in sympathetic giggles.

    Felicity x

  2. 12A. Or fried eggs on toast.

    Cruel. Especially after looking like Pammy Anderson for a month or so not long ago.

  3. My breasts are also frighteningly unmanageable and scare men away as well.

  4. Further to that, to butcher a West Wing-ism, people used to tell me I was an A-Cup intelligence in a D-Cup world.

    You're not Kerri. You're fabulous, whether your boobs are tamed or not.

  5. Mine are ever growing, and I have the advantage of one being bigger than the other.

  6. I don't like bra shopping at all, especially since I have ended up with my mother's (much mocked) bee stings. Oh the humiliation of it all.

  7. I had pretty much no breasts until I had kids. Mine were small and perky and men would lie and say: Anything more than a handful is a waste.
    Then I got preggars and Oh My Goodness, I could take someone's eyes out.
    They have never returned to pre-pregnancy weight - nor has my body - and I am constantly being told by Mr 9 to tuck them away (apparently wardrobe malfunctions mostly happen at school), while Miss 7 says she's allowed to look at them because she's a girl, and she wants big ones like mine.
    Sigh. Have to say I would go with the old little ones any day, much easier to keep contained, and if you want to wear a strappy dress you don't need a bra at all.

  8. So is there a size smaller than an A cup? I need to know! I am swimming in my A cup and is definitely where I keep the tissues (Grandma style!). I just want breasts more prominent than my stomach!
    Glad you got new bras - functional or not. Prefer to be fitted by the matronly than by the perky, stretchmark-less though.

  9. A great bra is fantastic for up-cycling worn-out boobs. I also can't talk about Bra Fitters... it's a job akin to Gynecologist and we just don't talk about that.

    PS - I've been meaning to click on your 'penis' tag for a while now and... I'm going in... x

  10. Did my Coconuts Hanging In The Breeze community service announcement post inspire you to go bra shopping? I hope so.

    I would love to be bra shopping right this moment, but am still breast feeding. Who knows what they will end up looking like after three babies have sucked the perkiness out of them?!!

  11. I have four words for you, one for ecah breast: Intimo Mineral Oil Bra. Puts back in what babies sucked out.

    And no, I don't work for Intimo in any way, but if they would like to gift me with free apparel after reading this plug on Kerri's very popular and well respected blog, please contact Kerri for my deatils.

  12. Sorry your having trouble filling your (.)(.) cups.It's frustrating when you haven't got what your birthright should entitle us too :).

    My mother reckons she had DD's as a teen.

    LOL - I went bra shopping today , since I recently fully weaned my boys.

    I haven't much to speak of either, and never did even with BF twins. They are sadly very deflated too.

    Anyway, I managed to grab only one spur of the moment thing... my 4yr olds were intent on looking behind the other curtains and I am sure lady trying on her new bra was less then impressed.

    Both of my 4yrs had heaps of advice for me ...this one is pretty Mummy (too big son) and the other just kept murmuring boobies and pulling all the bras off the rack.
    Bad mistake taking them.

  13. LESS than an A cup? So there's no point in me watching you running for the bus, then?..........

  14. Right about now is when I don't mention I had a breast reduction as my 40th birthday present nor that I'm thinking I should have another soon...

    There's smaller than an A cup & there's ones that grow back even after you chopped half off *sigh* who's the lucky women who get to be in the middle?

  15. I have been well known for abusing shop assistants for entering the sacred space of the change cubical at the exact time that nothing fits, my boobs are flying free to the world and she opens the curtain the entire way!
    Of course that was before I had kids and breastfed for 3 and a half years now I'll whip my top up for whoever wants a gander although I don't believe there's anyone left that I know who hasn't seen them!
    On another note - my mother's bra collection is growing as I make bad after worse bra decision.

  16. Oh they should sell them in a buy 3 get a discount offer, as i buy them in 3s too!! One sensible flesh coloured Tshirt bra (which always falls apart first as it's my go to failsafe bra), a lacey fun one & a black one, part fun, more sensible!!
    I just consider my bra fitter like an obstetrician, they've seen it all, they've seen worse, i'll use my personality & fun attitude no matter what the situation to distract them from the less glamorous parts of my body (that is quite a relationship too seeing the same OB delivered all 4 of my babies, i didn't want to share the honour). Happy new bras, love Posie

  17. I loved they day my breasts started shrinking, not that they were big by any means but 3 years of breast feeding had made them heavy and pendulous.... think national geographic doco, Then slowly day by day they shrunk till they were sitting a little more where they should be and I didn't have to tuck them into my nickers if I wore no bra, then they kept shrinking and now they are like 2 pillow cases flapping on the clothes line.... ahhh I can't win

  18. Oh dear.
    You're quite welcome to some of mine!

  19. Did my Coconuts Hanging In The Breeze community service announcement post inspire you to go bra shopping? I hope so.

    I would love to be bra shopping right this moment, but am still breast feeding. Who knows what they will end up looking like after three babies have sucked the perkiness out of them?!!


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