September 1, 2010

You Won't Believe It...

You will not believe the day I had yesterday.

I woke up at ten(yes, TEN) in the morning, feeling outstanding. My husband had left a note on our bedroom door: "Have taken the kids to school, thought I'd let you sleep in as you looked so tired xxx". How divine was that?

I stretched, got up out of bed, walked into the bathroom, and splashed water on my face. As I looked at myself in the mirror, something seemed different. Subtle, but different. I looked... balanced. More attractive. Less... lopsided. It was...

MY EAR!!! Oh. My. God. Somehow, overnight, my one protruding ear had flattened to my head. It was like a plastic surgeon had snuck into my room overnight and pinned it back, except that there were no stiches, no scars, and it wasn't at all sore. It just looked magnificent.

I flipped it and flapped it a couple of times but it stayed nice and flat. It was a miracle. A bizarre miracle. I ran downstairs and called my friend Karen, a doctor, who told me that these things can, rarely, occur, and that I should feel lucky and enjoy my new look. Lucky? I felt bloody ecstatic.

I ran back upstairs and showered and dressed. I noticed that my jeans were a bit loose, so I stepped on the scales. I'd lost weight! In fact, I was a good couple of kilos below my ideal weight, so I made a mental note to eat a lot over the next couple of days to get back up to a healthy weight range. Didn't seem like much of a problem to me.

Half an hour later I was at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper and eating my third piece of Nutella toast when the phone rang.

"Is that Kerri Sackville?" asked an unfamiliar male voice.

"Yes, that's me. Who is this?" I asked.

"Kerri, it's Mark Jensen from Westfield Bondi Junction. How are you?" he asked.

I panicked. Had I forgotten to pay a bill? Pick up a layby? Pick up a child? Had I unwittingly stolen something from a store? Caused wilful damage? Left too big a mess in a changeroom?

"Good," I answered, cautiously.

"Kerri, I'm happy to inform you that you've won our Shopper Of The Year competition! Congratulations!"

I was stunned. "Really? What does that mean?"

"Well," he said, "are you sitting down?"

"Yes," I told him, standing up.

"You've won a $10,000 shopping voucher to Westfield! To spend on anything you like!"

My head started spinning and my (flat) ears began to ring. "Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yes I am," he said.

"So what's the catch?"

"No catch."

"When can I pick it up?"

"This morning. In fact, if you don't mind being photographed for the local newspaper, we'll pick you up in a limo and transport you to and from the store for your first shopping expedition."

I could barely speak. "I... I..."

Mark Jensen seemed to take that as uncertainty.

"I'll throw in lunch and a movie for you and three of your friends?"

"I... I..."

"Five of your friends. And free manicures afterwards."

I snorted coffee out of my nose. "Deal," I spluttered.

So that's how I came to be in a limo yesterday, with five of my girlfriends, on my way to buy $10,000 worth of clothes for me and my flat ear. In a size six. After lunch, a movie, and a manicure. Heaven.

It was unbelievable. Like, seriously unbelievable. Which of course is not surprising, as it didn't really happen. Yesterday, like every other day, I got up early, dropped the kids to school, came home, worked, did housework, picked the kids up, and kept juggling all those balls, as I do every day, whilst my left ear stuck out at a 70 degree angle, and I strained the seams of my pants.

But it could happen. Any day now.

And if not, well, at least it's fun thinking about it...

23 comments:

  1. Oh my god, you are beyond hysterical!! Hysterical!!

    I think I did damage with the laugh I let out at the second last paragraph.

    You are SO damn funny!

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol, I wish that had happened to you! It did sound too good to be true but I was hopeful all the way to the end :)

    Kept wondering how many other gorgeous jackets you could buy with your $10k.....

    Now I should stop daydreaming and head back to the reality of my daily grind, thanks for the escapism :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. aww I was so hoping it was true lol. one day...one day...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Too funny. What a dream. I had all my bits crossed for you that it was true. I admit I was wondering for most of the time I read it, how on earth you managed to stay asleep until 10.00 in a house with 3 kids & a husband getting them ready ... ?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kerri Sackville! Naughty! I was so excited for you!!! That is until I started considering how you had bought that lush jacket and thought, hey, that's not fair! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can't believe you left out the bit between waking up and getting the phone call from Westfield where there's a knock on the door. You answer it, face still soft with sleep, just a light wrap around you... and it's Simon Baker. "Kerri," he says "I have come to my senses. It's been you all along- you, you, the one I need, the one I want, the one, godwilling, I am about to smear Nutella all over right now, before I gently lick you clean." Then he bends down and scoops you into his arms, marvelling on how tiny you are and how flat your ear is, and carries you off to the kitchen to grab that Nutella...

    Or is this the family friendly version of your blog?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was suss the minute I read you got that note. Nah not really, just quite envious. A shopping spree would make me life. Love your work x

    ReplyDelete
  8. you had me hook line and sinker, loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are a dead set cracker of a chick! PMSL and snorted coffee out of my nose at the end. That's what I call a quality fantasy x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yesterday Mark Ruffalo came to my house to water my garden. #justsayin'

    ReplyDelete
  11. After the free Citroen drive and then this, I was thinking "Bitch" {Oh yes. I can be mega jealous}, and then I thought "Nah, this is Kerri Sackville, she of the NO chance of shagging Simon Baker tragic club", and all of a sudden, I felt better......

    ReplyDelete
  12. BAHAHAHAHA I was mumbling 'bitch' right down to the end then I felt bad because your day ended up as boring as mineeee!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are SO naughty. That's a bit like one of my fantasies too, although mine may contain a visit from George Clooney. And you got to have a special par written by @Kylie_Ladd! How special is that? Look forward to the next installment.

    ReplyDelete
  14. If you follow The Secret and all that Law of Attraction stuff, just keep reading and re-reading your post and imagining it all happening, and it will... apparently...

    ReplyDelete
  15. You crack me up! I just love to stop by your blog every now and then. Thank you : )

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is flat out one of the funniest blog posts I've ever read. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. oh my god i almost started to think "how come I had to hear abnout this through yr blog and why wasn't i one of the girls in the limo" Phew. Thank god you were only day dreaming.Then I thought maybe in melbourne something really did happen to yr ear. Well??
    Lisa xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. I would have been a sucker for this story too if it weren't for the 10am wake up - purely because I don't think it is humanly possible for a mother (of THREE no less) to sleep in that long (unless of course she had been slipped a 'rohy' in her warm milk nightcap).

    But I love your daydream, and now am going to sit down with an exotic cocktail (read: lukewarm cup of tea) and concoct my own. It'll involve India, Ewan McGregor and children who are perfect sleepers. On second thoughts, I think Ewan and I might just go solo on this one :-D

    ReplyDelete
  19. You had me going there for a minute. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  20. oh my god i almost started to think "how come I had to hear abnout this through yr blog and why wasn't i one of the girls in the limo" Phew. Thank god you were only day dreaming.Then I thought maybe in melbourne something really did happen to yr ear. Well??
    Lisa xx

    ReplyDelete
  21. If you follow The Secret and all that Law of Attraction stuff, just keep reading and re-reading your post and imagining it all happening, and it will... apparently...

    ReplyDelete
  22. You are a dead set cracker of a chick! PMSL and snorted coffee out of my nose at the end. That's what I call a quality fantasy x

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!