November 4, 2013

Ridiculous Situation 79032

So this morning I woke up with an infected eye. I have no idea how it got infected, although I suspect it may have to do with the fact that:
  1. I am useless at applying mascara, and spend more time jabbing myself in the eyeball with the wand than applying it to my actual lashes; or
  2. I haven't washed my makeup brushes in about three years; or
  3. The cat tends to eat my eyelashes when I am sleeping; or
  4. I am just generally disgusting.
Either way, I had to cancel today's modelling job* and tonight's hot date** because I look so hideously unsightly.

I did, however, venture out to the chemist at my local Westfield, where of course I bumped into 75 people I knew, all of whom looked at me strangely, but none of whom worked up the courage to ask me what the hell was wrong with my face.


I went to the pharmacy and asked for help and they advised me to bathe my eye with saline. And then they sold me a packet of ten saline solutions, and ten little sterile eye-baths.

And because I couldn't wait to commence the process of becoming less hideous (and, also, to be able to see) I went straight to the public toilets to perform the procedure***.

I took out one of the eye-baths and a tube of saline, broke the top of the saline and filled the bath. It is a small, oval shaped container that fits over your eye. You bend down, place your eye over it, tip your head back and the water sloshes around in your eye-ball.

Or so the theory goes.

I didn't hold the bath firmly enough against my eye, and so the solution ran down my cheeks and on to my top. It was a little embarrassing, as I came up gasping for air with water dripping down my nose and into my mouth. But the other toilet patrons studiously ignored me, and I patted my face dry with a paper towel and pretended that it had all gone to plan.

There was still half a tube of saline left, so I tipped the rest into the cup and decided to try again. This time, I pressed my eye more firmly against the bath, until I felt the pull of suction against my skin. I tipped my head back and the water rolled beautifully around my sore eye. I felt triumphant and delighted. I knew that the infection would soon be gone.

And then I tipped my head back down and realised there was a problem.

The eye-bath was still suctioned to my face.

I tugged and I tugged but I couldn't break the hold. Women came, looked at me curiously, and hurried out again. I smiled and shrugged my hands in helpless despair and wondered if I could make it home with a cup on my eye. In the end, I decided I couldn't, as my sunglasses wouldn't fit over the cup, and so, with one final, determined tug, I yanked the fucker free.

My eye is now even sorer than ever, but I have decided to leave the healing to time. It is a week till my next modelling job and hot date**** and I can't risk having to go to either with a cup on my face.

*Disclaimer 1: I don't have any modelling jobs

**Disclaimer 2: I don't have any hot dates

***I mean the eye-bath. No other 'procedure' requiring a bathroom. Just to clarify....

****Disclaimer 3: I have neither

27 comments:

  1. Oh gawd, stop making me laugh so much at your misfortunes... I'm starting to get the guilts! ;)

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  2. I really want to say soothing words but I'm still laughing my head off. I'll come back later. PMSL. PS I love you x

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  3. I love you and I am sorry that you had to endure the saline bath in the company of strangers. I am also sorry that it did nothing to help xx

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  4. Kathy www.yinyangmother.comNovember 4, 2013 at 2:29 PM

    I sense a book coming on themed around ridiculous incidents.

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  5. I am sure it is comforting to know that I most certainly would have asked "What the hell is wrong with your face"?

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  6. Hmmm, antibiotic eyedrops? I know you can get them for your ear, they might be more often called ear drops though, I'm not sure. Me, I'd eat a few raw garlic cloves too, especially since you don't have a hot date honey, now, about that.........

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  7. Pictures or it didn't happen ....

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  8. Kerri, I have smacked my head at so many of your misfortunes, I have a dent in my forehead ! Please allow it to fill out again, before your next drama. Thank you....... ;-)

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  9. Very hard to take a selfie with a CUP ATTACHED TO YOUR FACE

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  10. Oh Kerri, I needed a laugh (my dog ate the optus cable just now...)
    I am a Pharmacist. You can get antibiotic eye drops over the counter, they are called Chlorsig. The regular bathing is a good first step but unless the eye is significantly improved tomorrow, I would get some drops.
    Blog medical advice over, I now need to reorganise my Wednesday so I can sit at home and wait for the optus technician. Joy.

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  11. Oh shitballs lovely. I need to come over stat and take care of you...for gods sake, cause to be honest you kinda suck at it ;)

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  12. You need a new pharmacist to advise you better......:)

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  13. Loved this. Literally laughed out loud. Well done you, and get well, eye.

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  14. Is it wrong that I am glad that these things happen to SOMEONE ELSE? (Sorry. Hope eye is better soon ...)

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  15. Yes. It is wrong. REPENT BRONNIE REPENT

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  16. Yes, yesterday on The public holiday. He was lovely and when we explained about our slightly nuts rescue puppy he said he should be able to get the callout fee waived (he is a dog- lover too)- how nice is that!
    Hope you eye is getting better

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