October 24, 2013

More Sh**t I Could Not Make Up

This is part two of my ridiculous, stupid, you can't make this s**t up day from hell. Part one is HERE.

So the cat escaped again. From my multiple-punctured, bleeding arms.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I cried. "PENELOPE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

But it was too late. She had disappeared over the fence.

This time, she had jumped into the other neighbour's backyard. Yes, you read that right. The OTHER neighbour.

So there I went, knocking on a different door, where a different lady answered, and this different lady was also in her nightie. I kid you not. This was starting to become a pattern.

And so I was shown into a different house, to a different backyard, where I rescued the same bloody cat, again cowering in a corner. And I carried her back through this house - thankfully sans-dog - where she proceeded to go equally demented and made further, significant puncture wounds in the region of my arms and shoulder.

But this time, this time, I got her home.


Picasso showed stunning foresight when painting this pic of me

And then I rang my GP, who checked my records, and told me I hadn't had a tetanus shot in 15 years. Which was delightful news, because there is nothing I enjoy more than running into the doctor's of a Monday afternoon and having a jab in my arm that will leave me sore for two days.

But I did it. Because it sounded marginally better than dying of tetanus. (Though as I was still without a coffee machine, death sounded faintly appealing.)

I got my jab. And then I made my sorry way home, broken and horribly wounded and with spirit crushed beyond recognition.

Penny the cat was waiting for me, purring. I noticed that her litter needed emptying and so I donned the gloves and began shovelling the clumps into the toilet. I buy special litter that is flushable, which is highly convenient, except when it isn't.

Because the litter didn't flush. Oh no. It clogged up the toilet which began overflowing onto the bathroom floor. And there I was, ankle deep in grossness, weeping into my plunger and bemoaning the tragedy of my life.

And that, my friends, is where the story ends. I told you. I couldn't make this s**t up.


26 comments:

  1. :(

    The non-Simon Baker anti-climax was a bit disappointing... but the toilet-shit-volcano added some much needed Hollywood Blockbuster Action during the climax of the story...

    I must tell you about the recent toilet-shit-volcano incident at our place one day... or maybe not... it was kind of gross...

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  2. I believe you, Kerri! It's obvious your story is true. I can sense the despair in your words! ;) I empathise! Bloody toilet blocking up! And still no coffee machine!! I think you need to go out and buy a new machine (and the best coffee you can find to go with it); and while you're at it, a quality bottle of Scotch; and just for the hell of it...a bottle of Remy Martin Cognac!

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  3. Picasso must have waited until after you had your coffee Kerri. I don't reckon you would have sat still long enough for a "before" painting...

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  4. My boys have been trying to persuade me to get them a cat for years. You haven't exactly sold me on the idea with this tale...

    Hope your week improved. x

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  5. My friend's cats use the loo. I'm yet to see it but she's just brought them out from the UK and she's got this round thing in her toilet with some kitty litter. She said it's just until they get used to this place and this toilet. I don't get it. They sound like they should be on a talent show or something. Sorry about your scratches....

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  6. I have never liked cats. This sorry tale makes me feel vindicated. Get rid of the damn thing

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  7. Kerri, your story has stressed me so much, I had to go make a strong MUG of Espresso. Drop everything, and head for the nearest coffee machine store, STAT. Do you hear me ?....

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  8. Oh hon. Big hugs. Lol

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  9. Vanessa...all my life cats have played a major part in it...and I wouldn't be without one, or as now, two. They are wonderful animals...wonderful pets. :)

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  10. Kitty litter crystals. Really. And they don't smell especially if you put them in a little poopie house.

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  11. Jackie K @ Working Through ItOctober 24, 2013 at 8:21 PM

    Definitely all true, because 3 things! No coffee, cat, toilet. So now that the 3 bad things have happened, there will be no more bad things this... week?

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  12. Wouldn't kitty just wonder around a bit outside and then come home by herself? I had an indoor cat then moved to a house and the cat got used to going outside by herself. It was great, didn't have to deal with litter anymore. (unfortunately the stupid cat got stuck in my garage door in a tribute to Darwin)

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  13. We live on a hill. So she can climb over the fence & jump down to the neighbour's place behind us... but then she can't get back UP again. Sigh...

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  14. I can live without that story JJ. But thanks.

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  15. It's now Friday... fingers crossed....

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  16. Oh dear... what a terrible part 2 (pretty accurate on the 2 bit...)! I'm going to be terrible and say that the positive bit is you don't have infected wounds or tetanus... But in reality what a terrible time and hope it all looks up for you soon. I've been following your time with my downer going on and this week has ended very positively for me (for once in about 12 months or more) - so hoping there's some positive news just around the corner for you xx

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  17. Holy shit! They are the only words that I have.

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  18. Flushable cat litter? See I never would have believed such a thing and would not attempt to flush it! Strangely you have made me miss my cats. I have been ripped to pieces on several occasions... A few of which involved a dirty white cat and a bath tub full of soapy water..ah memories!

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  19. I've just read this - I'm sorry...

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