I've had Princess Penelope Fancypants for about three weeks now and let me tell you, that kitty is smart. And she has some wisdom to impart to you.
|I Am Going To Sleep On Your Face|
- No-one will criticise you for wearing a fur coat if it is your own fur.
- Hairbands are vicious. They may look innocuous, but don't be fooled. Kill the fuckers before they get to you first.
- 'Tuna' is an insult to one's tastebuds. Don't even think about eating it. If it's not 'Tuna Feast', 'Tuna Platter', or 'Tuna In A Delicate Sauce', you turn your back and walk away. Did you hear me? TURN YOUR BACK AND WALK AWAY.
- If you miss the table whilst leaping off the couch, just do a little somersault and act like it was perfectly deliberate and no-one will notice. Promise.
- The most exciting time of night to scuttle from one end of the floorboards to the other is around 11pm when everyone is asleep. You can really hear the noise. It's epic.
- If someone really loves you, they will let you sleep on their head. Trust me. And if they don't, it's best to find out early and get out quickly before anyone gets too attached.
- Computer keyboards are all warm and buzzy. Sit on them after they've been running for a while and they will give your bottom a special tingly feeling. I'm shivering just thinking about it.
- Never scratch a scratching post. Seriously. That shit is just demeaning. Use the furniture, for Christsake.
- Boxes are AWESOME. Drawers, too, are super fun. The smaller the better.
- Sleep is for pussies. Geddit? PUSSIES! Bwahahahahaha!