May 3, 2013

You Won't Believe What I Ate Last Night...

Last night I ate a stock cube. Seriously. And not one of those small Maggi ones, either. I ate a giant, squishy Massel chicken stock cube, straight out of the wrapper. It was horrible. I mean, chicken stock is great in soups and casseroles, but pretty gross by itself on a fork. But I couldn't help it. I was craving that stock cube like the deserts crave the rain. (Except that the stock cube also made me crave rain. Or at least water.)

Now, the obvious conclusion to reach is that I am pregnant. And when I am pregnant I do crave strange foods. When I was pregnant with my son I bought so many spinach and feta pastries from the local baker every day (three to four, to be precise) that I became too fat embarrassed to go into the store, and had to learn how to make my own.

However, I am certain I am not pregnant. This is because:
  1. My kitchen has been surgically closed;
  2. I am not nauseous and dizzy and weeping for no reason at all;
  3. See number 1.
No, I am not pregnant. In fact, I am as far as one can get from pregnancy without being menopausal. I am craving weird foods not because I am pregnant, but because I am not.

Yes, once gain PMS rears up its ugly head. It happens all the time. Once a month, actually. Every. Single. Bloody. Month.

I don't need to keep a chart of my menstrual cycle because I know exactly where I am based on the foods I am craving. Early in my cycle I eat my normal, boring diet. When I am ovulating I become quite extraordinarily hungry, and need about seventeen meals a day (at least three of which are based on chocolate). Clearly, my body is preparing for a potential baby by packing in enough energy in three days to last me nine months. Clearly, my body is stupid.
Mmmm.... DINNER

And then I hit PMS, and I head down to the salt mines. Oh yes. Salt salt salt salt. I eat stock cubes and drink cup-a-soup and eat Vegemite with a spoon. I chomp on Feta and swallow olives and ask for extra anchovies in my salad. And I get fluid retention and grumpy as hell and turn to alcohol to ease the pain.

You'd be in pain too if you'd been eating stock cubes.

So next time you are grumpy with PMS and cursing your hormonal surges, spare a thought for me. I am sitting at my kitchen bench eating stock cubes washed down with gin and tonic. It ain't pretty.

What does PMS look like for you?

26 comments:

  1. Lana (Sharpest Pencil)May 3, 2013 at 9:12 AM

    PMS looks pretty ugly to me. Not stock cube ugly but wanting to hit people ugly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do you have celtic sea salt instead of 'normal' salt on your food? I found it made a huge difference.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My PMS is very mild, I need chocolate for a day and get a little snippy BUT when I ovulate I turn into a carb craving, crazy, psycho, head spinning Linda Blair style bitch for about 3 days. I've come to believe this is my subconscious creating a natural contraception. There's no way any one is getting a smile out of me, never mind some loving. This didn't happen until I had 3 children. My subconscious is so wise.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ovulation is figity energy. PMS is not a nice place to be. I throw chocolate at the beast in an attempt to sooth it. But it does not work. Even large quantities, whole block of dark chocolate, gone in one two hour session, two litre of icecream, followed by a whole tin of milo. Now that is one hard craving to swallow, mouth becomes so dry you end up frothy chocolate. But still the PMS beast wants more. I also have two sizes of clothing, PMS bloat takes my waist up and out until I am looking like I am about three months along

    ReplyDelete
  5. He he, sound like a great combination ... I started menopause early and thought it would have some benefits BUT think again you still get bloated, hungry and emotional, but there is no cleansing of the body. Well, I suppose that is some benefit.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My PMS looks for the tissues and the doona! I just curl up under their and cry my eyes out.
    If anything I don't eat.
    Did you throw up after the Massel stock cube?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Stock cube? Dearly me Kerri. Deary me! I crave chocolate, but not sure if it's PMS related - unless I have PMS all the time (which my husband would probably agree with!)

    ReplyDelete
  8. My family move out for 2 weeks.
    Well, they wish they could. I become a snarling horrible beast with irrational responses to everything. And I start to eat chocolate, which I never do at any other time.


    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Once a month stock the house with chocolate and gin, throw away the stock cubes and hope for the best! It works for me!

    ReplyDelete
  10. PMS is the monster that moves into my body once a month. Think Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Goodness - a whole stock cube, you must've been suffering bad PMS! I once nibbled the corner and that was enough...my cravings are more conventional, all centring around sugar, fat and alcohol :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. K @ Finding a skinnier meMay 4, 2013 at 2:13 PM

    I crave Taco Bell when I am PMS'ing and regret eating it every single time! I also sweat a whole lot, get random cranky spells and headaches. Fun stuff :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. No! Does it come from the supermarket?

    ReplyDelete
  14. YES! I know the frothy milo mouth!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm kind of craving menopause right now.....

    ReplyDelete
  16. No! I ate the whole thing and wanted more!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. How can you not eat chocolate ALL THE TIME?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh I love sugar, fat and alcohol too....

    ReplyDelete
  19. Kerri, you are hilarious. I am a bastion of the salt-ship too. Geez, I needed a good laugh and this blog post provided me with exactly that.


    I've been sitting here thinking, gosh, I do that...... I do that too! Thank you for your witticisms, so glad I took the time to read your stuff. Looking forward to the ongoing commentary.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I ate a stock cube too. I love the taste. I can't help it.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!