March 10, 2013

Trampoline of Hell, Part: KILL ME NOW

I thought my days of trampoline assembly were over. I was wrong. Oh, how painfully, tragically wrong was I.

Due to some impending garden landscaping, our impossible-to-assemble trampoline was required to be disassembled and moved, temporarily, to a different location. The 'different location' is 'my parents' back garden', given that they are a) the ones who bought the bloody thing, and b) no-one else will have it as it is IMPOSSIBLE-TO-ASSEMBLE.

The Architect disassembled the trampoline with the help of our daughters. This, clearly, was far easier than the assembly, which is IMPOSSIBLE and DESIGNED INTENTIONALLY TO SEND YOU CRAZY.


I transported the pieces of trampoline to my parents' place, where they waited eagerly, tools in hand. (Okay, so my mother was drinking a cup of tea and my father was asleep on his bed, but they were sweetly eager in spirit.)

The first part of the trampoline was simple to assemble, because the manufacturers are EVIL and TRYING TO TRICK YOU. My mother and I got the base up and attached part of the mat, and then things went hideously, catastrophically wrong.

For a start, we lost the special tool you need to pull the springs that attach the mat to the base. My mother, who is endlessly resourceful, fashioned a tool out of a metal clamp, which seemed to do the trick. However, very shortly thereafter, it became clear that we were simply not strong enough to pull the springs into place. My father was summoned to come and lend some Man Power to the operation. This irritated my 13 year old son, who felt deeply offended that we had not thought to seek his help, but the entire task was clearly beyond him as it was IMPOSSIBLE.

My parents and I laboured for over an hour in the scorching summer heat, trying all sorts of techniques to get the RIDICULOUS STUPID SPRINGS into the BLOODY CRAZY-MAKING HOLES. We failed. At one point, I was lying on the grass underneath the trampoline trying to assist with navigation as my mother wept in despair above me and my father complained of chest pains.

We still failed.

After a further five minutes, my parents quit the trampoline in a cloud of rage and disgust. I looked sadly at the pile of springs and decided to take my five year old for a walk whilst my mother took to her bed and my father locked himself in his study.

I returned after half an hour, and my 11 year old daughter greeted me at the door.

"Mummy, come see what we did!" she cried.

I called my parents and we all proceeded to the backyard. The trampoline was fully assembled. My two children had assembled it. They had done the impossible. And they said it was "easy".

I hate that trampoline. I do. I really do. But I love my children. If they can assemble that trampoline, they can cure cancer and save the earth from meteors. And I feel very lucky to have them.

I wish that trampoline would go and spontaneously combust, though. I hate it.


  1. You forgot the part where you sobbed with joy and bowed down before me.

  2. Bless your little sweethearts for not giving up.
    Reminds me of a time when my girl was little and we were trying to do something and I said "lets wait till Dad gets home"....her reply "no mum I am determinate !! "
    When the going gets tough the tough get going....and do what their mamas cant :) xx

  3. When my youngest son left home he suggested if I want his help and he was not available to go onto youtube and try their 'How to ...' videos

    How to assemble a trampoline

  4. Try assembling a trampoline in the dark and in silence on Christmas Eve. A job that couldn't be started any earlier because you had to wait till certain people were asleep. A job that you thought would take a few minutes...but in fact took took hours and hours!!! I hate trampolines...they are the work of the devil! I still give it a kick every time I walk past!

  5. I often think/say ask a child to do it. So where between the ages of 9 and onward the develop this special ability to do things that you cannot, the simultaneously impresses and pisses me off. Bloody smart arses!

  6. Years ago, many, many years ago, we discovered the best way was to attach one spring, then attach the one directly opposite, like 6 and 12 o'clock, then do three and nine o'clock and continue around the clock doing a spring and its opposite at a time from each quarter.

  7. beautiful, just beautiful. Hope the kids were rewarded well.xxxx

  8. Sounds a bit like Ikea furniture, once assembled, DON'T PULL APART BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS, I would throw it out and buy a new one, I can also relate to your parents, and would find a hidy spot till someone else fixed it. xxx

  9. Sell it! Build a raised garden plot and grow has to be an easier pastime! Well...hire someone to build the raised garden plot...that would be even can sit back under an umbrella on the back deck sipping on a margarita handing out instructions of how you want him to build it etc. That seems like a far better plan, to my way of thinking! ;)

  10. Oh that's HILARIOUS. What a nightmare!!!

  11. We tried that! But we were attaching them wrong.... *sobs*

  12. OH yes. I was demented with gratitude!

  13. LOL. You are so right. I pulled apart a desk once and had to throw it out.

  14. When the fair was in town last year, our friends had a fully assembled, 10 foot trampoline stolen from their enclosed garden somewhere in a 40 minute window.

  15. I swear I am never buying my kids a trampoline.

    On an unrelated note - I nominated you for the Very Inspirational Blog Award because I love reading your blog and following you on Twitter-

  16. I have never had to assemble a trampoline (don't hate me, it'll happen once I have kids I'm sure) but my 75 year old mother and I assembled the dog kennel - a Hound House that was suspiciously like erecting a tent - it was made of canvas and had tent like poles and frames - with much cursing, sweating, crying, yelling at each other, and worse of all the dog staring at us JUDGING us. So I find this a hilarious form of stress relief for me! Thanks.

  17. When we put our trampoline together i ended up leaving and finding a bottle of red!! Hubby perservered and finished it in a small 4 hours!!


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