October 14, 2012

Do You Care What People Think?

"I wish I could be one of those people who don't care what other people think," said the girl on Twitter. (I'm paraphrasing - she actually said 'don't give a fuck' - but you get the idea.)

It was a casual comment that resonated deeply with me. Because I have often wished I could be one of those people, too. It would probably be a less painful way to live. But I know I never will be one of those people, and I know that you won't be either. 

You know why?

Because no-one is truly one of those people. Everyone, absolutely everyone, cares what other people think.

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeve. You know they are sensitive, you know they worry about how they are perceived, and you know that they are easily wounded. And then there are the people who look confident, who look like they've got it all together, who look like they have never doubted themselves in their lives. These are the people who look for all the world like they don't give a fuck what other people think.

Do not be fooled. Because I promise you, they do.

Of course, they may not care what everyone thinks. I certainly don't. I don't care, for example, what strangers think of me. I go to the supermarket in tracksuit pants and pull giant tubs of Nutella from the shelf while yelling at my four year old. And I don't care whether other people think I'm a haggard, gluttonous bad mother, because I don't know them, and I'll never see them again in my life.

I also don't particularly care what distant acquaintances think of me, or how I am regarded by people I don't like. If I don't like someone, I don't care if they don't like me, because I place no value on the relationship.



I do, however, care deeply what my friends think of me. I care deeply what the people I admire think of me. I care deeply what my family think of me. And though I don't care if I am regarded poorly by the occasional blog reader, or book buyer, or Twitter follower, or Facebook friend, if they all started criticising or disliking me en masse, I would be crushed. Of course I would. Absolutely crushed.

That confident person you're thinking of right now, who says whatever she wants and doesn't give a damn what the world thinks? She does. I can absolutely assure you, she does. She has people she cares desperately about, people she wants to impress, a posse whose validation she craves. If she is on social media, she wants to be followed. If she has a friends, she wishes to be liked. If she is famous, she wants to retain her fame. If she is popular, she wants to stay popular. And if she's controversial, she wants to be that, too.

Do not confuse perception with reality. Because no-one is an island. Even the confident have insecurities. Even the successful need approval. And even the famous want to be loved. (Actually, especially the famous want to be loved, but that's another story.)

So don't think you're odd for caring what other people think of you, and for goodness sake, don't try to change. Because if you don't care what people think, then, well, you've stopped caring. And if you really don't care, you can't be cared for in return.

And whilst that might be a slightly less painful way to live, it certainly would be a great deal less happy, too.

42 comments:

  1. There would be few amongst us who hasn't at some stage or other uttered that they don't care what others think about them; and they'll keep saying similar; but, at heart, I believe the majority of us do care what others think about us. It's a form of respect; not only of one's self, but of others, as well. And, the world could do with a lot more respect these days, I reckon! As the saying goes - we reap what we sow. I think that applies in our behaviour. Sometimes, we say we don't care because its a way of disguising the guilt we feel about our bad behaviour! I can recall a few "mornings after the night before" when I've applied that philosophy!! ;)

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  2. One of my biggest problems is caring TOO MUCH what people think of me. (What's Lizzie's quote from Pride & Prejudice....?!) I'm not too bad around strangers and also go grocery shopping with scary hair and grotty clothes, but I do often feel 'judged' by others (even strangers) and very self-conscious about that.

    (Of course the more evolved part of me knows that it's really me judging me and projecting that onto others, but going further down that rabbit hole requires far more couch-time!)

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  3. Love it. I have no other brilliant insights to add. Just a thanks!

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  4. WOW love the new look!
    On a note - what you said here - you hit it on the head. I am the same as you...

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  5. Love the new look blog and thank you for reminding me what I think we all know deep down but sometimes forget and fall into the ditch again!

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  6. First of all - tidied up blog design ... sweet!! Looks great!


    Second of all - I will openly admit that I like to be liked - which is the same as caring what people think about me I think. If there is someone who doesn't like me, I work desperately hard to 'convert' them. I wish I could not care less, but I do. Not about everyone in the world of course ... but certainly this applies to anyone I 'know".

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  7. Hey Kerri, nice post. Thanks again for your great advice at the Pro Blogger event. I took notes!
    Just one thing: As someone who feels fairly confident in her Sex and the City quotes and trivia, I'm not familiar with that quote. Can you or anyone tell me which episode (or film) it's from?

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  8. I found it online! I'd say, however, that it's probably from around the time Big marries Natasha. Yes? X

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  9. Oh me too! I wish we'd been able to chat properly - next time.

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  10. Aspergers must make it so much harder, because it's harder to interpret other people's cues, right? From all the comments/messages I've had from you, though, it seems you get it right an awful lot of the time. I love hearing from you x

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  11. Thanks Kerri, that means a lot.
    Yes it is harder to interpret cues and I also find eye contact impossible and talk softly. The rare times I do talk. Thanks for the reply.

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  12. I love to think I don't care what others think of me but I do. I just want people to get me.

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  13. I think you're awesome, for the record. Just so you know :) xxx

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  14. Kerri I love this. LOVE.


    There's a saying in recovery ... we must stop judging our insides by other people outsides. So very true. We can all do it.


    It was so wonderful to see you on the weekend. I'd really love to catch up properly one day. Xxx

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  15. What a quote. YES YES YES.
    I'd love to catch up properly too. When you are up for it, I will come to the mountains and we will spend some time. Or you come here. But I like the scenic railway. And the chocolate shop..... xxxxx

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  16. I think maybe we should just go on little 'not caring' holidays once in a while, to recharge and gather strength. Sometimes you need to detach before you can throw yourself back into the fray. Particularly in social media. It's good to get off the validation rollercoaster once in a while, but I agree, totally. How happy is a life without rollercoasters?

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  17. You are SO right. And sometimes I do turn off social media and am shocked by how the world goes on, and life continues, without that need to get constant feedback from other people! It's so HELPFUL.
    Ah... the rollercoaster. If only I knew what it was like to live without it.....

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  18. According to Dr Phil we wouldn't worry about what other people thought of us if we knew how seldom they did lol True in my case I think However I do worry, I worry so much about what people think of me that I even agonise over a making a comment here in case I sound like an idiot. In person I'm painfully shy and quiet, as well as having Aspergers, so I worry twice as much. Sigh

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  19. I'd like to believe that as I (ahem) mature I care less and less about the world at large thinks of me. However you are right, of course I care about what some people think. To not care about anyone is the definition of a sociopath.

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  20. That is absolutely right. Thanks Mumabulous (I SO love that name!) x

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  21. I don't know what's happening. I wrote a comment yesterday...but it isn't showing! The Cyber Phantom has devoured it! Never mind!

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  22. What more can I add to this great post and fabulous comments... except for the thing I always say? Swim your own race. Honestly, from hearing Cam's coach telling it to her so many times- yelling at her occasionally when she sneaks a glance to see how her competitors are going halfway through her 100 fly and inadvertenly slows down or destroys her rhythm as a result- I have adopted it as my new mantra. Swim your own race. Be the best you can be, and the rest will follow. I want people to like me every bit as much as the next person does... but I've realised, as i've got older (and sat in on a LOT of squad sessions) that I can't force it or fake it. All I can do is swim my own race.

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  23. Your blog looks beautiful,as are you my friend x

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  24. I agree I have over 1k FB friends....most of whom play the same games I play (damn you Angry Birds addiction!) and I have just over 4K twitter followers.....most of whom I chat with from time to time and who seem to get a laugh out of my tweets (I'm VERY sociable) LOL

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  25. That is so true, and such an insight. But what the Twitter/FB count doesn't show is the number of true friends who actually care about us. Again, it's all just perception. And it's a very complicated world we live in. It will be even harder for our kids. Sigh.... x

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  26. Yep. Me too! And if it helps.... I like you! Heaps! X

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  27. Aw thank you :) that means a lot. And of course the feeling is mutual!

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  28. Amen. I have nothing further to say but a-fucking-men.

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  29. All so very true Kerri, you clearly know it and have great empathy here. I had around 20% of my regular online connection while away 2+ weeks. It felt very weird to be out of the loop, wondering what was going on with my 'computer friends', (or if they noticed my absence)! But I also realised how freeing it can be to totally let go and experience the complete present, however unusual that may feel these days. Still on the topic of SM, I think the whole thing is made even more difficult that your online position appears to be quantified. FB numbers your page 'Likes'. How many 'Friends' you have, Twitter how many 'Followers', your blog how many Google Friends or subscribers. It's laid bare for you and others to see and/or compare. There was once a time when only we ourselves could count who our friends and connections were, as we saw them. xx

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  30. This is so true Kerri ... I wholeheartedly care and too much sometimes. Except for those supermarket visits. I have the best tracky and ugg-boot collection in the inner west, and I'm not afraid to show it off :-)

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  31. Ok Ms Kerri to continue our twitter conversation (and no I wasn't the one who said the original quote) As I mentioned there are SOME people who's opinion of me I care about.....I care what my husband thinks of me, I care what my children think of me, when they are older I will care what my grandchildren think of me and really that's where my care factor ends.


    Don't get me wrong I don't hate other people, I don't go out of my way to be nasty and I believe I am a happy, positive person which means i get on with most people.


    I am a strong believer in "you can't please all of the people all of the time" so I please the people in my life that matter the most.


    Two major things happened to me that changed my "care factor" One was I turned 50 and my children moved out of the house. The other was I had a rather bad accident which has left me disabled.


    No longer having children in the house meant I didn't have to "think" of others constantly...something I think you get used to doing when you are a Mum (or a Dad) I started working from home and no longer had staff reporting to me where I had to maintain the "I am the boss so I have to behave a certain way" attitude.


    The big life changer was my accident, My hero was my husband who really did and continues to live up to the vows, for better or worse and in sickness and in health. Others who I thought would be there were not.


    This made me realise that the only people who TRULY know you are the ones you love. They are the one who know the real you and love you regardless. You value their opinions,


    So I don't say "I don't care what other people think of me" because that would not be true. What is true is that I try to be the best person I can I don't go out of my way to be hurtful or nasty or spiteful, But...do I care what people who don't know and love me think of me? Not really, They can take me or leave me because the ME they get will always be me and I'm not changing :)


    PS. Sorry for blogging all over your blog Ms Kerri :)

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  32. I too like to think that I don't care... but I know I do.. you put this perfectly

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  33. Feel free to blog all over my blog any time, Ms Jackie. Really interested in your comment x

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