September 23, 2012

Sponsor A Fingernail In Need

I know this will not come as a surprise to any of you, because of course you've all read my recent memoir, The Little Book of Anxiety. But for those of you who enjoy a recap, let me state for the record: I bite my nails. This is, arguably, my deepest shame, alongside not being able to locate Algeria on a map, eating Nutella with my hands, and trying to seduce Elliot Perlman at a writer's festival (although the only shameful part of the latter was the fact that I failed quite spectacularly).

Not my nails. But soon will be!
It pains me deeply that I have not managed to kick my nail biting habit in the forty three years I've been on earth. Even assuming that I didn't start biting my nails until I had teeth, that's still around forty two years I've had my fingers in my mouth. And at least 40% of the time those fingers don't even have Nutella on them, so there's really no excuse at all.

As I wrote in my Little Book, I have managed to overcome my embarrassing habit by getting acrylic nails. Sadly, however, I have also managed to bite off said acrylic nails at least eight times in the past two years. I have now reached the point where I am too ashamed to venture into the nail salon yet again to have them replaced as I can no longer bear the pitying looks.

So... I have made a resolution. I am going to grow my own, calcium-based nails, for real, this time. But for this, I need your help. I cannot do it alone. (I know this because I have failed about five times a year for the past forty three years.)

How can you help? Well, I have a unique and thrilling idea. (Trust me, you'll be thrilled.) I am calling on ten of you to Sponsor a Nail and encourage me on my quest. And let me tell you - Sponsoring a Nail is an incredible privilege. What do you get? I'm glad you ask! Sponsoring a Nail gives you naming rights - yes, naming rights! - over one of my nails. And that's not all! I will also keep you updated with information about your nail's progress, including how it is growing and whether I've been tempted to nibble it. But wait - there's more! Because when a suitable length is reached, and I get my real nails painted for the first time, you determine the colour of your particular nail.

Can you believe it?

So how do you win one of these ten fabulous nails??? To apply to Sponsor a Nail, please comment below, including the name you would choose for my nail, and which nail you would like to sponsor. (Obviously you would all prefer to sponsor my Bum Finger nail, but please bear in mind there is only one of those.)

My kids and I will choose the ten winners, and announce them on this blog when the competition closes. (The competition will close when I have decided I have enough entries. It's my competition, after all.)

So thank you all very much for your support, and I look forward to receiving your entries.

17 comments:

  1. I would love to sponsor the right Hand's pinkie... The perfect accompaniment when having a cup of tea when it raises itself up in a posh fashion!! I would call her 'posh pinkie'!! And it's my least favourite nail to bite... I'm a nail biter too!! Please pick me kids!!

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  2. I want bum fingernail! Pootella!

    Anton.

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  3. I would like to sponsor the index finger. And... I would like to bake you something for every month you do not bite that nail... since I no longer live in Sydney, you will have to enjoy the treats virtually, but still - it might be just the incentive you need! The baked items may even be shaped as fingernails, I don't know, just brainstorming here. Consider me kids. You could get Dad to bake the recipe each month for your Mum for her great effort, he will love it! :) Haha!

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  4. I'd like to sponsor the thumb nail on your left hand. I figure it probs feels (not unlike me) a bit portly next to all its skinny friends. Where the four fingers are all slim statuesque and supermodel like, the poor thumb must feel a bit short & dowdy.

    Was toying with calling it Oprah, Ugly Betty or Kirstie Alley, but I think I'm going with Magda. Might not be the best looking thumb out there, but it stands powerful & strong. Makes the perfect thumbs up symbol solo, but with friends can be quite the character. It likes to hang five with the pinkie, and make gun gestures with its Neighbour the sneaky Index finger.

    Perhaps I could make your thumb a netball skirt or kaftan to dress it up a bit & keep you from biting it?

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  5. I would like to sponsor an index finger. And... I would like to bake you something for every month you do not bite that nail... since I no longer live in Sydney, you will have to enjoy the treats virtually, but still - it might be just the incentive you need! The baked items may even be shaped as fingernails, I don't know, just brainstorming here. Consider me kids. You could get Dad to bake the recipe each month for your Mum for her great effort, he will love it! :) Haha!

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  6. As a recovering bitaholic and one who is trying to lead a child down the abstinence path, I would like to bid for the right thumb. You could call it Strong Thumb and train it up removing champagne corks. It would very much like to be a royal purple with a gold undertone. It told me.

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  7. As a fellow lover of the giant Nutella jar, it would be an enormous blunder not to dedicate a finger to your great love of this noble cuisine.

    I see that the right index finger is voted upon. However, when it comes to Nutella especially, I believe a woman can multitask. So scooping Nutella from the jar with your left index finger named ‘Ella’, while simultaneously shooting from the hip or showing off Kyle on your right, would be easy as.

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  8. I would love to sponsor your left pinky (would be my first preference) - but I'm willing to sponsor any of your other fingers. I would call it "Nibble-free since Sept 23!" :) Good luck!

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  9. I'd like your right middle finger, please, and I would name her Tweety. That's a bird you can depend on.

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  10. Okay, there is only one finger that really matters, so I would love to sponsor your trigger finger (right forefinger) because you shoot straight from the hip :)

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  11. I'd like to throw my hat in for your left thumb, named Tom, obviously. I've always wanted to sponsor someone in need to from overseas, and here's my big chance!!

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  12. Left ring finger. Ringo. Because he is a surviving 60's icon from one of the best bands of all time, usually covered in precious stones AND sang the Beatles track "Honey Don't".(Hope you liked that too Fendy!)

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  13. Can I sponsor your ring finger on your left hand ... and lets call her 'Nancy No' because no is a VERY important word in marriage!

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  14. I discussed this issue with my toddler. He looked puzzled and said he wanted to see your finger, so I showed him a photo of you. Then we workshopped names. We have decided on Jo-Jo. I was keen on the pinky finger, especially the left one but I see they are taken. We will claim the bum finger. Because, well, it looks like a bum. We are with you all the way and if you need a pep talk - I'll get toddler on the phone to ask you if you've been good!

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  15. Detachable PrincessJanuary 13, 2013 at 11:17 AM

    I would like to sponsor your right pinkie nail. I know you drink a lot of coffee, and I'm imagining your right pinkie delicately pointed skywards every time you take a sip. That's right, my nail (Neil The Nail) will be the one on show for the world to see!

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  16. I would like to sponsor your middle finger, so you can give it to whoever pisses you off. We can call it Kyle, because that would piss people off, greatly......

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  17. I would like a little finger nail (because they're neglected and never get the respect they deserve) and I will call him George. Because I can.

    If you are freaked out by having a boy nail, and want to think of him as Georgina, I won't mind. George and I will know the truth.

    I don't mind which hand it's on, as long as George gets a photo shoot in which he can flourish himself as you drink tea (once he is polished and ready for his close-up natch).

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Thanks! Love hearing from you.

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