August 29, 2012

My Failed Seduction of Elliot Perlman

I couldn't have been more excited. There, on the panel at the Sydney Jewish Writers Festival, were the two great literary loves of my life - Mark Dapin and Elliot Perlman.

Mark I already know. This is because I stalked him at a previous Jewish writers function, declaring my love for his columns and his tattoos, excitedly showing him examples of my columns and tattoos, and generally becoming a nuisance for the next year or so until he agreed to be my friend. He is the funniest man I know, and quite stunningly talented, and I adore him.

Elliot I had never met, though his book 'Seven Types of Ambiguity' is among my all time favorite. He spoke in soothing, caramel tones of war and responsibility, with such cerebral gravitas I was ready to lie down before him with my legs in the air. The curly brown hair, chiseled features and twinkly eyes didn't hurt, either.

Poor Elliot. All he wanted to do was write books.

After the session I proceeded to the book signing area with about 20,000 of his and Mark's other fans - bizarrely, nearly all of them female. I chatted to Mark, whose hat was cutting off the circulation to his head, and waited for my chance to sit on Elliot's knee talk to Mr Perlman.

The time came. And here, for your reading pleasure, are just a few snippets of the actual, genuine, conversation I had with my literary idol:

Me: You are my fantasy man.
Elliot: Um... oh.

Me: Are you on Twitter?
Elliot: No, I don't know how to work it. I need to learn.
Me: I'm giving a course on Twitter next Tuesday, come along, I'll get you in for free!
Elliot: Sadly I'm going back to Melbourne tomorrow.
Me: That's okay, I'll come to your hotel room and give you a private lesson!

Me: Do you know any Sackvilles in Melbourne?
Elliot: I know many. I know Lindi Sackville.
Me: She's my cousin!
Elliot: I used to have a crush on Lindi at school.
Me: Well now you can transfer that crush to me!
Elliot: Um.. aren't you married?
Me: Make me an offer and I don't have to be!

All in all I was devastatingly seductive and practically had Elliot drooling in anticipation of a special, two person book club all of our own.

Except that I wasn't, at all. I was a tragic, middle aged groupie, who had to get home to her husband and kids. Which I did, with my tail between my legs, and a copy of The Street Sweeper clutched in my hands.

It was inscribed 'It was a pleasure to meet you'. And that, my friends, is what I cling to.

28 comments:

  1. Hey Kerrie - you look beautifully un-middle-aged in the fan photo. My Mum actually bought me "The Street Sweeper" for my 44th (damn I can't work out how to do the cross out correction to say 34th) birthday recently, but I haven't read it yet as it looked more intimidating (read much thicker than Anna Funder's "All that I am", which I'm really enjoying. I will get to it in between blogging and parenting and working etc and I will smile and think of you!
    ...kathy at www.yinyangmother.com

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  2. Poor Architect. Slaving away over his plans, so you can flit around the country, bestowing your charms on the literary community. Just as well you've only written two books, otherwise the poor bugger would NEVER see you. Just as well, you're only joking about these spunky writers. You were, weren't you, Kerri ? KERRI ?...... ;-D

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  3. Now you've made me go and google him to see if he's married. Or gay. Or similar!!!!

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  4. I will be using only the 'Sackville Approach' to all my crushes from today forward. Be prepared James Mathison.

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  5. LOL. Let's hope you're a little more successful...

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  6. And now you have another dreamy-dream-man to place in a frame on the bedside next to Simon Baker. Who's next in the gallery??

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  7. I'm always looking, Twitchy. I'm always looking.

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  8. He looks lovely
    I thought The StreetSweeper was brilliant.
    If he writes like that, then imagine...

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  9. Does Simon know about this? He better lift his game.

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  10. I'm hoping he'll read this blog post and start working a bit harder.

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  11. I love how you never fail to make me smile.xx

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  12. Far smoother than I would have been. All I would have managed would have been giggling and winding my hair round my finger. Love it. Love HIM (in a literary way of course).

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  13. I'm sure he enjoyed this brief encounter.
    Love Mumabulous

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  14. Hmmm... the jury is still out on that one.

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  15. I thought "The Street Sweeper" was absolutely brilliant. Couldn't put it down. x

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  16. You should have heard him talk about it. SO passionate.

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  17. Kerri, Kerri, Kerri...I feel your pain and shame. Truly!
    Now then, about getting that photo blown up poster size...

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  18. Just thinking...The Perl knew you were married. He'd obviously been nosing around...

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  19. Or, you know, I may have let it slip out #BUGGER

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  20. Life In A Pink FibroJanuary 13, 2013 at 11:15 AM

    Oh dear. Oh dear. Mark will be jealous.

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  21. Mark does not need to be jealous. He is and will always be Number 1 in my heart. Elliot is just a brief infatuation. Unrequited, goddamnit....

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