Still, there is one tiny, tiny area of marital conflict that I concede may be somewhat my fault, too. And it's not my excessive drinking, or my sideline as an exotic pole dancer, or the second family I keep up North.
No. It's something much more prosaic than that.
I am a bit of a slob.
Except that I'm not, really. My husband calls me a slob, and my house may, on occasion, look like it's inhabited by a slob, but I'm not actually a slob. I am not a slob by character at all. My nature is to be extremely tidy, and I was so until just over a decade ago.
No, I am a slob by circumstance.
Growing up, I was exceptionally neat. After I got married (to an architect, who likes everything in its aesthetically correct position) I continued to be exceptionally neat. And even after I had my first baby, and everyone - everyone! - told me that my house would go to hell, I continued to be exceptionally neat. All the toys were put away each night. Nappies were kept in a drawer. No-one would ever have known a third, vomitus person lived in the house with us.
But then two years later my daughter was born, and I threw up my hands and gave up. It all just got too difficult. Cleaning up after two small kids was a full time job, and if I did it perfectly I wouldn't have had time to actually parent said children as well - which, apparently, is as important a part of motherhood as cleaning. So I stopped trying to keep my home perfect. I let things go, just a little. And then my third child came along, and I started writing as well as parenting, and before I knew it, I had thrown up my hands and Completely Given Up Trying.
And so it has been, for the past four and a half years. Until today. Because my husband, The Architect, can take it no more. He is tired of living in squalor.
"Please," he asks, "please can't you just clean up after yourself?" (using 'yourself', presumably, in the sense of 'yourself, me and the kids').
And so I am trying. I am trying to Be Neat again. And so far, for a week I have succeeded. I've kept the kitchen clean and the laundry folded. I've kept the rooms uncluttered and the fridge wiped clean. I've put the Weet Bix away as soon as breakfast is over and closed the cupboard doors and thrown out the toilet rolls. I've emptied the dishwasher and dusted the surfaces. The house looks absolutely fantastic.
There's just one small problem.
I haven't had time to do anything else. I've barely written a word. I've only showered four nights out of seven. This housework thing is really a full time job.
So I'm asking you: friends, seriously, help me out. How do you DO it? How do you keep your house clean AND clean yourself? How do you put meals on the table every night AND have some semblance of a life? What advice can you give me?
What am I doing wrong??? Or is it time to Give Up again and Just Start Living???
I don't have children but have 3 dogs and 2 cats. I work long hours full time and have a cleaner (an angel) who comes each Wednesday for 2 hours. . OK that's my profile...having said all that my place is often messy and all I have to do is the superficial stuff. That is, putting away things, wiping benches, creating piles of junk to make it look better! I have hired a professional organiser once last year and that was $ well spent. I will have her back again this year (it's my therapy!). My friends with children seem to be drowning in mess unless they are OCD and clean and declutter all night. My tips - if you can get a cleaner even once every 2 weeks; if you can hire a professional organiser to help declutter and set up some good systems OR if you have an OCD friend ask for their help; OR yes switch off (but if like me mess would ultimately get to you Id go with my earlier options). I'm a big believer in outsourcing - I go without other things to afford my cleaner and saved up for my organiser. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI hear you Kerri! Lately my housework has slipped. I blame the fact I work full time, hubby does FIFO work & for the last 6 months two nights & all day Saturday has been spent in the side of a footy field.....also I just hate cleaning!
ReplyDeleteJust before hubby flew out for another 4 week stint he vacuumed & mopped the entire house & cleaned the bathrooms ( awesome, I know!) so after I seen how lovely it looked I wanted it to stay like that & so now I've taken to doing a little bit each day. I think the key is to stay on top if it all. I still don't dust, my blinds are filthy & ironing is a thing of the past but all the basics are covered.
It also helps my boys are 12 & 9 now so they are delegated the jobs of emptying the dishwasher & bins, every Sunday one has to vacuum the lounge rooms & study while the other cleans their bathroom. They may not do a perfect job but it's ok. Get the kids to pitch in where they can, it's their mess too!!!
I do not pick up all the clothes left by the side of my husbands bed. I refuse. Then if he likes to comment on the state of the rest of the house I kindly remind him what his side of the bed looks like. Sometimes I dump said pile ON his side of the bed so he can't get in without moving it.
ReplyDeleteI need a cleaner EVERY DAY. There are 5 of us!!!
ReplyDeleteA daily cleaner. Perfect. Just like being at a hotel. Tell hubby it's needed. You're helping the economy!
ReplyDeleteWell, I got a divorce and it solved my problem. But I'm guessing you're looking for a different solution. How about this. I think every mother/full-time writer needs a cleaning person.
ReplyDeleteGet a cleaner. Stopped our arguments about whose turn it was, plus we get home to a clean house. Best money ever spent.
ReplyDeleteIt's either or. If he wants the perfect house, tell him to pay for a cleaner or even better, get him to clean.
ReplyDeleteIs anybody actually keeping their house clean? I thought they just did that that one time so they could take a photo for their blog and talk about how messy their (completely pristine) house is... x
ReplyDeleteWhen I was pregnant an old lady told me the only way she ever coped was to get up an hour before everyone else in the home and you get so much done without distraction.
ReplyDeleteI would not be able to keep ontop of everything with work, three beautiful children to parent and your own self time needing to be attended to.I would definately get a cleaner to help and that way maybe you will be able to keep ontop plus still have time for yourself so you then have time to be the mum you want to be.
Us mums put so much pressure on ourselves...we get stressed when everything piles up if we leave things to spend time with our kids.We still get stressed if we do those things so they dont pile as then our children have missed out on time with us or we didnt get our time to relax to be a better mum.
Goodluck whichever way you go.The main thing is your children are so lucky to feel they have you wanting to share as much time as you can with them.These young years are so precious.Soak them up.xx
I'm trying! And my kids are truly precious. I just wish they didn't generate so much laundry!
ReplyDeleteAs for getting up an hour earlier - we have to leave the house at 7.50 every day, so I have to get up 6.40 to get everyone dressed and ready. NO WAY could I get up an hour earlier. I'd be comatose.
Get. Thee. A. Cleaner.
ReplyDeleteI have one and I live alone! That way I only have to 'tidy'. Not clean.
My hubbie is a lost cause I'm afraid. He sounds just as domestically
ReplyDeletechallenged as yours, but he doesn't mind at all living in Slobville!
When he's home I can only maintain one tidy room of the house, the rest
fall straight into disarray. Parenting two actual children, a furry
child (dog) and an adult child (hubbie) makes a tidy house impossible.
I've also resorted to risking the crockery by letting our 2 1/2 year old
and 10 month old help me unpack the dishwasher in the hope of getting
them better trained!
I have lost SO much crockery recently that we have no more than two matching plates in each set. True story. Sigh!
ReplyDeleteHow do I clean my house?! Her name is Beth. (See Mrs Woogs post today - worth EVERY. SINGLE. CENT)
ReplyDeleteI have a Moon! But he only comes once a week and he doesn't do laundry or clean up after the kids or clean up the kitchen three times a day which is WHEN I NEED HIM!
ReplyDeleteKerri, all this housework shit, is just that. That's why maids and domestic helps, were invented. In our case, we claim extreme poverty, and ignore the dust until we begin to trip over it. Then we ignore it again. Having a house that looks like a tip, does tend to discourage visitors, so it's not ALL bad.... :-)
ReplyDeleteAs always, a stunningly penetrating insight, Fendi x
ReplyDeleteEldest child moved back home when I had child number two, who is now 8 months old, and I have attempted to keep the house clean. However, I found it easier to keep the house clean when I worked full time and studied part time.
ReplyDeleteEldest child is 20 and everyone comments on how much help she should be. Oh, yes she is a great source of help, I still do all of her washing, cooking and cleaning. Plus she has mastered the "floorrobe" look... think of entire contents of wardrobe and drawers on floor.
Partner makes the critical error in asking what I do all day! Hmm yes I sit around doing nothing all day, hence why I have not had the time to shave my legs in so long I now have the woolly mammoth look happening. Washing hair is a great luxury that I can only manage once a week, the rest of the week it is worn with a mixture of snot and vomit.
It is me who needs the advice, how the hell do I find to shower and groom, look after three kids (ok so partner is not technically a child but he resembles one), and have some personal life/time?
http://iliska-dreams.blogspot.com.au/
Oh lord. You're asking the wrong person. I could PLAIT the hairs on my legs. As for the hair on my head... well... I am a VERY big fan of the ponytail! xxx
ReplyDeleteI've always hated those woman with the perfect houses. My house is lived-in. We have books and toys and blankets in comfortable places and use them. I do not have a showroom for a house. Its a home. With that said though, I also have a very well trained husband that knows better than to ask, "So what did you do all day then?" while looking at the laundry or dishes or dirty floors thinking I've done nothing all day. He goes out and works while I run our business from home, have my own hobby business as a sideline, I blog, I write some too, and I have 2 bigger kids (11 and 16) who require my full attention every afternoon for their activities. Supper gets cooked between 7 and 8 pm only and eventually I crawl to bed after 11pm. That's life. Hubby spent a couple of days with me earlier this year when he didn't have any work to do and he learned first hand what I do each day. From 1pm to 7pm when I eventually get home from the last activity I had him in the driver's seat rushing up and down and telling him which way to go and how quickly because activities overlap, etc. He was exhausted after 1 day. Set a challenge to your husband to do your job for 1 full day without you there. Have him clean and cook and take care of the kids and still try to get to some of his work while you spend the day out of the house. Keeping a house clean is hard work and as soon as you think you're done there's more to do!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Sounds a lot like my life. And YES, the older kids do require full attention don't they? Who said they get more independent as they get older? Hasn't happened yet!
ReplyDeleteOh Kerri, this is my life: 3 kids, and an exceptionally clean and tidy house. What does this mean? Well, I don't sit down... ever... I don't shower every day, and often when I do it's with one or all of my children. I have to meal plan in order to make sure we have dinner every night. But somehow, in all of this, I manage to fit things in for me. Perhaps because I jet around like Speedy Gonzales. Perhaps because I occasionally pull the "You don't know how hard it is to keep this house clean!" guilt trip on my husband which usually leads to him doing a load of washing or picking up some toys. But in reality, the cleaner you keep it, and the more often you clean, the less time it takes!
ReplyDeleteTo be honest Kerri, I don't clean. I tidy. It just doesn't fit in with my already full schedule of wife, mumma, career, blogger..... so I outsourced. I tidy spasmodically and she cleans once a week. Perfect relationship.
ReplyDeleteStop trying to do it all, just become a fab tidyuperer and employ a cleaner :)
But it's the tidying that takes FOREVER. The tidying and the laundry and the dishes and the changing sheets and towels and on and on and on *sobs pitifully*
ReplyDeleteMy husband actually said to my girlfriends the other day "I like it when you have Friday after school drinks at our house, cos it is the only time the house gets cleaned up..."
ReplyDeleteI have an empty shelf in the hall cupboard. When guests are coming over I stash the dirty dishes on said shelf and invite them in to my clean kitchen! :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I truly believe there is no such thing as a perfectly preened house and a mother who spends a lot of time with her children. IT is finding that balance that suits you. I keep mine to a standard that I can cope with... I am slightly anal my family would say. I wish I was a bit more laid back. Life would be so less stressful and my children would get more of me. I still find it hard to do it all and I am a SAHM with three children (3, 12 and 13). I still feel I dont give them what I REALLY want to give...
ReplyDeleteMy other thought is if it does not bother you but bothers him then why cannot he do it? It is like my teen agers room. If I want them to hang their clothes then I hang them. If it is important to me and not to them then I do it...
Cleaning a house with kids in it is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing. That is all.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice to give, I'm a closet slob too. I will read the comments to help me fix my problem.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHA a neat and clean house with 3 kids and working too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it's about team work. Everyone in the house putting in. Everyone. And if they don't, then it's not possible to have a clean house and work too. Unless you stay up til midnight and get up at 5am.
Oh dear friend, I have wondered the very same. I am KNOWN for my OCD when it comes to cleanliness, but after retiring from the Air Force and getting a new full time job which includes 2 hours of commuting each day, I am at a loss...But I would rather share a glass of wine with my hubby in the evening, or spend time writing than to devote ALL my free time to cleaning...chin up, you aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteMy neighbors told me they knew when we had visitors as they could hear the vacuum cleaner. Had a visitor pop in the other day at 330pm. Me dressed in flannelette pjs and purple dressing gown, house beyond belief! Might try to lift my game somewhat!
ReplyDeleteWho says we are "doing it". I'm not doing it. I do a major clean out of the house once or twice a week. I have though been into a habit of having the kitchen clean before I jump into bed. Other then that toys are everywhere every night. I have the older two who help out as well cleaning up toys and unpacking and stacking the dishwasher. I just rinse the dishes for them. Husband does nothing. Even his one job of taking out the rubbish he needs to be told to do. So I just do the bare minimum.
ReplyDeleteDarling Kerri,
ReplyDeleteMy daughter had the same problem...wantedto keep working (very busy solicitor), keep husband happy, kids to all their activities,etc...was going "loudly crazy"..even helpful Mum had the temerity to be sometimes unwell...all changed when she found the "perfect nanny"...older, appreciates kashrut (only Jewish by osmosis)..drives, cooks whenever necessary, comes in, even on weekends to help if entertaining, cheerful, efficient, (now comes to me one morning a week!)...can't pass her on because she's fully "booked" but she IS THE ANSWER! Without her, the household (or my daughter) could not function so smoothly! There ARE people out there who can help keep you sane, stop your husband's complaints and your cupboards stocked...well worth it...the good ones don't charge "the earth"...remember to keep enjoying your private "escape time"...Thinking of you with so much love and understanding! Yetta
I do a big clean up when I can't stand the mess anymore. Today is the day - when I get off twitter!
ReplyDeleteHa! I do what you do - write about it! I actually wrote something very similar yesterday after I had been given a stern lecture, but didn't press post...yet...
ReplyDeleteThankfully Husband is very gifted at tidying but yesterday it all got too much for him, it started with sighing and then swiftly moved on to the lecture (he's a uni professor so very good at it!). I stood my ground and said that he knew what he was getting into 20 years ago and that I love and appreciate him for his wonderful tidying. He gave in and skulked off to his cave!
In my defence, we have 5 kids, I cook every meal from scratch every day, there are always clean clothes even if you can't see any of the surfaces in the house.
I do understand his point though and am frequently mortified when people come to the door! It's not quite a bomb site but nowhere near my mother or mother-in-laws's standards.
Maybe he should try and earn more so I can hire a cleaner...
What didn't he design the house so that everything slides down into some kind of sink in the floor of every room, where it is automatically sorted (in the cloud, I've head doing stuff in the cloud is popular these days) and deposited back in it's original location.
ReplyDeleteFor example - toy is removed from cupboard to be played with. At end of play, left on floor. Slides towards floor sink, drops into sorting machine, transferred by pipes to back of cupboard.
Any dust or wee (as if) that gets on the floor also slides into the floor sink, but is sorted into the plumbing.
Clothes could get sorted then deposited automatically into the washing machine.
Any child that falls into the floor sink is simply deposited, sleeping gently, into their bed.
I'm sure the cloud could do it. I'm sure a REAL architect could do it.
Sounds like your husband needs a kick up the arse. He can't put things away, too?
ReplyDeleteOr both! However, that might another conversation with the architect ... And add him onto the chore list! ;-)
ReplyDeleteMy argument is that I stay home some days of the week to parent the kids, not for unpaid housework that we used to share. However, we still don't share and still don't have a cleaner, but I am working on it!
I like that you think we all keep our houses clean.
ReplyDeleteAnd that we cook meals every night.
The illusion is complete.
I so want to live in a house I'm not embarrassed by if a friend/tradesperson/door to door collector/kids friends pop around unexpectedly but my life and myself get in the way. I was vacuuming the other night and my husband genuinely asked if someone was coming around. Sometimes I give myself a period of time to go crazy and clean up like a madwoman, other times I read blogs of those who are organised and think that some of it may rub of on me. I will read everyones comments excitedly waiting for The Answer.
ReplyDeleteThere's an app for that :)
ReplyDeletehttp://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/
I'm the same Kerri. My mum has OCD and cleaned every day (still does), sister too. Somehow it makes them feel something that I can't recognise. I'm clean and tidy but it usually takes visitors to really step it up. Start living, get a cleaning lady.... or time to get the kids a chore chart and let them help :)) x
OMG! MY BOYFRIEND LIVES WITH ME...AND SAYS I'M A SLOB! PERHAPS AT TIMES I LEAVE THINGS BEHIND. I'M AN ARTIST, AND LIKE YOU...IF ALL I DID WAS COOK AND CLEAN THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY TIME FOR ME! HE IS BIPOLAR AND IS RIDDEN WITH ANXIETY IF A DISH IS LEFT IN THE SINK!
ReplyDeleteHE SAID TO ME, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I HAVE HAD IT! ANY ADVICE?