I have cupcakes. About seventeen thousand cupcakes. I tried to put them all in the fridge and freezer but they seem to be breeding, multiplying, spilling over into drawers and cupboards, turning up in the most unexpected of places. Bathrooms. The front garden. A little nook under my desk.
And it's not just cupcakes. I have sandwiches. Platters and platters and platters of them. The entire family will be able to eat sandwiches every day for a month, which is fabulous, except that the sandwiches are all chicken, and - having attempted to eat my way through a quarter of a platter today - I can tell you that chicken sandwiches get old very quickly. In every way.
The better news, of course, is that we also have boxes of Magnums - Mini-Magnums, to be precise, which are the perfect size for a treat, provided that you eat three of them at once. We also have scones, lemon tarts, and about seventeen kilos of chocolate cake, as well as litres and litres of soft drink, bottles of pink champagne, and several thousand sachets of herbal tea.
The cause of all of this largesse is my son's barmitzvah, which took place on Saturday. It was a small celebration held at home, but instead of catering for around sixty tiny little Jewish people, the caterers became confused and brought food for the 2012 Australasian Sumo Wrestling Awards (or some other sport which involves having a giant appetite for cupcakes, ice cream and lemon tarts).
Ironically, despite having bucketloads of sweet foods, I don't have any real food in the house - no fruit, no vegetables, no meat, no cheese. After all, I didn't have time to shop for a week before the barmitzvah, so busy was I with preparations and worrying about what to wear. But I'm not concerned, because we have about twenty five billion calories per cubic metre of fridge space, so we can derive all our energy from sugar for at least a year and a half.
So if anyone wants a sweet treat please feel free to drop on by. I can offer you a variety of delicious options, washed down with a beverage of your choice.
Just don't expect any milk in your tea. But if you want pink champagne, we've got you covered.