July 16, 2012

An Open Letter To Klout

Dear Klout,

I'm not exactly sure what you do, but I know it's important. I understand you measure the influence of people in social media, and being a social media whore, I take you very seriously. I want to have influence, so that I can use it for evil instead of good. Or perhaps good instead of evil. Either way, if it makes people buy my books, I'm happy.

Last time I checked my social media influence was fairly significant. I got a score of 62, which is not the highest possible score, but is considerably higher than that of, say, my 94 year old grandmother who does not use the internet.

I was delighted for a moment, until I looked at the areas in which you considered me to be influential. Blogging, for one, which makes perfect sense as I am a blogger. Nutella, for another, which makes perfect sense as my body is approximately 47% pure choc-hazelnut spread. Coffee, because, well, I drink the stuff.

And then the list got weird.

You see, apparently, Klout, one of my primary areas of influence is in Klingon. Yes, you heard me right. Klingon. The strange race of beings featured in Star Trek. I can't elaborate on what they're actually like as I don't watch Star Trek, but clearly that doesn't stop me from exerting a huge influence on them as a species. Okay then.

My Field Of Expertise
And it gets odder still, because yet another of my areas of influence is in... wait for it... Homosexuality. Now, this wouldn't be odd if I was a homosexual, or if I was the Minister for Homosexual Affairs (and though we don't have such a minister, we probably should), or even if I was a Catholic. But I'm not. I'm a Jewish straight girl and I haven't even kissed a girl, though I did see the Katie Perry film the other day and thought it was really cool.

I tweeted about these discrepancies the other day and got some very interesting feedback. Turns out my delightful friend Jayne was once considered influential by you in human trafficking, which is a little scary. Lisa is influential in stem cell, which is rather baffling, as she is not a scientist. Linda is influential in pumpkin, which is a bit tragic. And Kim is influential in Eek, Zombies and bacon, which is just plain freaky.

So Klout, I don't mean to express scepticism as to how you get your data - and I'm very happy with my score of 62 - but some clarification of where I get my influence would be very much appreciated.

Because unless there's a team of gay Klingons clinging onto my every word, something in the interweb is a little bit odd.

Yours sincerely,

Kerri

14 comments:

  1. I couldn't help it. I just had to join this Klout place you speak of and have learnt that I am influential in the topics of "Dell" (really....), Ice Cream (which is terrific!) and Photography (which I'm pretty happy about because I do like my fair share of photography) and none other than Masters Golf Tournament (fascinating as I've only ever played one golf game in my life, but I do play a mean game of putt-putt). Thank you so much for bringing all this to my attention, as I shall now be updating my resume with these relevant and up to date details :)

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  2. Hilarious! Like a psychic, Klout ropes you in with one good call and then throws a whole lot of random, inaccurate accusations your way!

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  3. Ha! My influential topic is 'marriage'. If only!

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  4. Hahahaha Klout makes me laugh so hard. I'm sitting at 54, and apparently im a 'specialist' which i find odd considering i ramble on about everything and anything. In particular I am influential about... energy, love song, math and peanut :/ xx

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  5. What_Sarah_Did_NextJanuary 13, 2013 at 11:23 AM

    My topic of influence list is very short, just the one actually - music. Which is appropriate for me.
    But your list is far more interesting! It is very clear to me I still have much to learn. :)

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  6. No this can't be right, Klout believes my most influential topic is Flo Rida!?!? Yes, the hip hop dude who wears a grill. I'm not sure where or when mine and Flo Rida's worlds collided. Trust me, I'm not normally inspired to write wedding ceremonies by the romantic lyrics of Flo Rida...or am I?

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  7. Gotta love Klout (what ever it is) They have me as influential on beer, cars and the Kindle, fair enough follow my tweets and you get a bit of that. But then the zoo, Playstation 3 and cigarettes?? As a non smoking XBox owner who goes to the zoo once a year during the school holidays, I'm like you Kerry, at a loss.


    But look at it this way, now by blogging about it, your gay Klingon influence could go through the roof (you may even get an email or a tweet from Wil Wheaton or George Takei)

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  8. My list is quite normal and boring - writing, social media, Adelaide, Australia, chocolate, teens, George Clooney, television... but New Kids On The Block?? I draw the line at boy bands, unless they are gay Klingons...

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  9. I'm so disappointed you did not think to address your son's Bar Mitzvah congratulations in Klingon like Frasier did (unwittingly when he asked a vengeful geek for help with Hebrew). That would've been *totally* memorable. I just checked my scores for the first time in months. Apparently I am influential in 20 topics, the first three accurate, but also including 'avi' which I have no idea what it even is, and vodka is like 18th. Fail!

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  10. Who or what is Klout and why should we care what he/she/they think?

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  11. I had no idea what Klingons were (or Klout for that matter) until I read your post...so since you've educated me about them I guess now you really are influential in them...

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  12. heh I worked very very hard to get my Zombie influence by hashtagging lots of tweets with a #zombies hashtag, so it wasn't a random thing. The Bacon and the Eek were just hilarious bonuses. I was also influential in crocs for a while there so I had heaps of fun swanning about the twitterverse being a great white croc hunting zombie expert.

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  13. I must say I completely lost all confidence in Klout when I became an expert on Jedi, Metallica and Viagra... although I'd happily be as influential about journalism and Lego as they they think I am! At least I'm not THAT influential, with a score of merely 48...

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