Let me explain:
For a while now I've been experiencing unexplained, periodic headaches (as opposed to period headaches, which would be completely explainable). I went to the doctor who ruled out a series of possibilities, determining by a process of elimination that I had not
a) been hit in the head with a brick
b) recently fallen on my head
c) got an axe stuck in my brain.
That left about a billionty and seven other potential diagnoses, but at least we got the obvious out of the way.
I went for some blood tests that showed up nothing. So then I kept a headache diary for a while that gave some interesting information, primarily that I
a) got headaches after eating chocolate
b) also got headaches when I hadn't eaten chocolate
c) got headaches after drinking alcohol
d) also got headaches when I hadn't drunk alcohol
e) sometimes didn't get headaches despite eating chocolate and drinking alcohol
f) sometimes was too full and drunk to keep my headache diary.
So perhaps it didn't show up anything at all.
The next step was to go to a specialist and get a series of rather more sophisticated tests, which I felt like like a hole in the head (which, incidentally, would have caused quite nasty headaches too). I waited a while to see if the headaches would magically pass (because, although I don't believe in magic at all, I totally believe in procrastination). Then, when another shocking headache descended on me at the end of another day, I decided it was time for action.
I picked up my phone to dial the doctor, when a text came through from a friend. And something suddenly occured to me.
I was straining to read the message.
Oh my god. I couldn't see!!!
I rushed straight to the optometrist and had an eye test. The optometrist performed a series of fascinating tests that left me blinking with a dent in my forehead, then sat me down to give me the news.
|Me Getting My Maturity On|
"Kerri," he said, "you have a mild case of maturity."
"Huh?" I asked. "Is that an occular condition?"
"Yes," he said. "You're getting old. You need reading glasses. And when you get them, your headaches will disappear."
So that, my friends, is the story of how Kerri Got Her Maturity On. And got reading glasses. Two pairs. One pink, one black.
As for the headaches, well so far, they have stayed away.
And sexy librarian? Here I come.