"You know what I hate?" asked one friend. (I'll call her Coupon, although clearly there is no-one in the world with such a silly name.) "Those stupid magazine articles which get people to say exactly what they've eaten in a day and then a nutritionist assesses their diet."
I was shocked.
"I love those articles!" I said. "I love hearing about what other people eat! And I love the nutritionist's feedback! It's fascinating!"
Coupon shook her head. (Seriously, what a ridiculous name.)"But they all eat mung beans and drink protein smoothies! I mean, who the hell eats mung beans or protein smoothies? They have to be lying. They're scared of getting in trouble with the nutritionist!"
Well, I couldn't argue with that. I, for one, hate mung beans, and the only smoothies I enjoy come with ice cream and chocolate and a swirl of cream on top. And if I don't eat them, surely no-one else would, either. They must, indeed, be lying.
So in the spirit of journalistic integrity, I decided to do my own 'What I Ate' column, including a full critique by a nutritionist.
Because someone out there has to tell the truth.
Oh, except that I don't have a nutritionist. So the critique may just have to be from me.
7.30am - I ate an orange (because I like them) and a piece of toast with vegemite. Okay, toast with peanut butter. Crunchy!
8.00am - Boo didn't finish her vegemite toast, so I ate that too. With, er, some extra peanut butter on the top. Crunchy!
9.15am - Grabbed a cappuccino during Boo's swimming lesson. A skim cappuccino. Possibly with sugar. Just one sugar, though. Or maybe two.
11.00am - At a playcentre for a birthday party and starving. (Drinking coffee makes me hungry.) There was no adult food available so I was forced to steal a slice of pizza from the kids' table. This slice was so fantastically good that I was forced to steal another. And then eat Boo's leftovers, too.
4.00pm - Home. Decided I needed something healthy so I ate the remainder of last night's green salad. It was a little limp.
5.00pm - Drinks with friends. I had water. And, er, a gin and tonic. And, er, a glass of Cab Sav.
6.00pm - We were hungry. Ate a selection of breads and dips, and several tasty pieces of something fried. Crunchy!
10pm - Home in bed. Drank a soothing cup of tea. Okay, it wasn't tea. It was a cream of chicken cup-a-soup. I just love those delicious noodles!
Nutritionist's critique:
What can I say? I love those delicious noodles too! Well done, Kerri. You did good.
