November 23, 2011

tickled by a magic pen.... or something.....

Today I got tickled by a magical pen after I was caressed by a total stranger. Nothing weird about that. Right?

I'd booked myself in for a technologically advanced facial, with microdermabrasion, light therapy, and a massage. I've never had a facial before, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you saw me just after I rolled out of bed this morning you would know. The times, friends, they are a-desperate.

I walked into the salon and was introduced to my 'facialist' (as opposed to, say, my 'bottomlist'). Elizabeth was very friendly and asked me if I would like to use the toilet before my treatment (so, quite possibly, she actually was a bottomlist as well).

When I returned from my toilet trip, Elizabeth told me to relax, and then instructed me to take off my top. This surprised me as I assumed that, given that this was a 'facial' and not, say, a 'breastial', that Elizabeth would be working on my face. Apparently, however, she would be working on my shoulders too (which I guess made her a shoulderlist) and needed access to my 'decolletage'.

The first part of the facial wasn't so bad. Elizabeth cleansed my face with some kind of industrial strength potion, and then scraped a really rough rolling pin over my skin. This was, apparently, the 'microderm' portion of the treatment, and had something to do with exfoliation. It was scratchy and sandpapery and felt most uncomfortable and I enjoyed the process immensely. 

MAKE IT STOP!
Then came the facial massage. Elizabeth tilted my head back and caressed my face gently all over in delicate circular motions. It was healing and loving and caring and nurturing and it made me want to run and scream. For - as I remembered at the exact moment Elizabeth started the massage - I cannot stand people touching my face. Unless you're one of my kids, or actually having sex with me (which, depending on how many readers I currently have, rules out at least 50% of you), I do not want your hands on my facial skin. There's no deep psychological reason. I just don't like it. I'd rather you touched my bottom. And quite frankly, I don't want you touching my bottom at all.

Of course, Elizabeth didn't know that, and kept on with her rubbing. And, because I'm so passive in the hands of beauty professionals, I let her do it. Really, I'm pathetic. The woman could have started shaving my head, or tattooing my chest with a giant panda, and I would have just sighed inwardly and said nothing.

To my relief, Elizabeth stopped massaging after about 15 minutes and began the next part of the session. This was the most important part of the treatment, the part that would radically change my skin for the better. The Pulsing Light Therapy (or, you know... words to that effect).

Elizabeth put patches over my eyes so I wouldn't be blinded by the light (or revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night). And then I lay on my back for about 30 minutes while she trailed something that felt like a slim metal pen all over my face as an important 'beep beep beep' sounded rythmically in my ears.

Now, presumably that pen did something special and magical, because I now look far better now than before the treatment. (Sadly that last stanza was a lie. I actually look exactly the same now as before, but as I paid lots of money, I'm not going to admit it.) Still, as I lay there on the bed, I couldn't help but wonder if the joke was on me - if there was no Light Therapy, if Elizabeth really was just trailing a slim metal pen all over my face whilst playing a 'beep beep beep' in my ear, and then giggling all the way to the bank.

Still, I'm not even sure it matters. I had a nice little snooze while I was being tickled by the pen, so the session wasn't entirely wasted.

And besides, the relief after the massage stopped was enormous. It was worth paying money just for that.

26 comments:

  1. At least you didnt add the eyelash tint to the whole process. It's like paying to have acid poured into your eyes and being made to lie motionless -sans screaming - for fifteen minutes to endure the torture! 

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  2. God, I love your blog. I always thought it was "like a ruler in the night".

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  3. I had to google the lyrics. Please don't tell anyone.

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  4. Good god. I think I'll just allow my eyelashes to go grey naturally.

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  5. Oh Yes Wanda - Eyelash tinting is T.O.R.T.U.R.E!

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  6. OMG - I did it once.  Once.  I would rather walk around looking like a blind mole than endure that again.  Ever.

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  7. I have had EPL before. Very strange. Before that there was extraction which was akin to having your face tattooed. Man, anyone can touch me anywhere. I am easy like that xx

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  8. LOL - I had a (very rare) facial this week too. Experience almost identical. Except for the bit where she put some slimy stuff on my skin that proceeded to almost burn me to the bone.  And the bit where I REALLY wanted to see what the microdermabrasion sucked off my skin... but I wasn't quite brave enough to ask my very proper 'skin specialist'.  She thought I was rough enough as it was!!!
    ;-)
    BB

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  9. On my last birthday, my two friends and I went for an afternoon of beauty at a spa nearby. Manicure, pedicure and facial.  During the facial, we were left to "'process". We were wrapped in blankets like an infant. My friend started laughing because her face started itching like crazy and then I had a hot flash. Luckily, our estecians returned then. Memories. :)

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  10. It's taken me many years but I've finally worked out that I don't like facials either. At. All. I am going to have to grow old and wrinkly without the benefit of facial massage. Hate that slimy, sucky feeling.

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  11. Eye lashes go GREY!  Thanks for that little tit bit. I thought dealing with grey nether hair was bad enough.  But now my lovely dark lashes which is one thing I actually like about my face - are going to disappear too!  AWESOME!

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  12. I love facials and peels too.. but I HATE the head massages at the hairdressers. I just clench my jaw the whole time and wait it out. I am the same when it comes to foot massages ergh they are at the end of our bodies for a reason, don't touch them!

    xxpt

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  13. Now I have that song stuck in my head.....

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  14. Isn't that funny, because I LOVE head massages and foot massages - it's just my face I can't stand being touched. We are all so different *cue hand holding & singing*

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  15. Oh I'm sure not for a long long LONG time......

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  16. I'm like Mrs Woog, I'd contemplate paying a hobo off the street to give me a foot massage....

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  17. I feel like that too- I don't fathom why peaople think facials are great!!! I have to say I don't want a gift voucher for one!xx

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  18. I don't have facials. God got it right, first time. I just need to have the bags and the wrinkles fixed, and I'll be perfect again......

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  19. Please don't go near my face, touch my face, roll things on my face, or my shoulders and décolletage either.  Don't like it, don't get it, will not pay money for it.  In saying that though  I once had a freebie treatment to burn the brown age spots off my face.  Wish someone had warned me  my face would have a thousand rubber bands flicked at it, which would create red welts that looked like I'd got trashed and got a whole lot of carpet burns.  The welts then scabbed, and crusted over a 7-10 day period, which I then unconsciously picked off.  probably in front of people. And that was the end of my anti-ageing treatment.  Never again, even if it is free. I'm now embracing my age spots.

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  20. Finding a skinnier meNovember 24, 2011 at 5:17 AM

    I always thought a facial would be widly life changing. And after reading this, I am re thinking that thought and thinking I might never try it. But then again, I am a sucker for anything that makes me think it is beautifying me.

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  21. Oh Kerri, this would have to be one of my favourites. 

    Please don't ever stop blogging.

    Kx

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  22. Bravo, I admire you for the desire to care care of your beauty and even am a little envy, because I always find 100 of things to do and have become really like a witch!

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