November 28, 2011

Chatting In My Undies

The other night, I participated in a ‘Meet The Authors’ evening at a local school. My kids don’t go to the school, but I was happy to go as a) I will take any excuse to get out of the house, and b) there was going to be food that I hadn’t prepared.

I was exhausted when I arrived at the school, but I pepped up the minute I saw the spread. This school was truly a top school. Oh, I have no idea what kind of grades the kids get, but my god they put on a good spread. I tucked in heartily, cramming smoked salmon blintzes and pesto ciabatta into my mouth.
I eyed the (very nice) red wine with longing, but refrained as I make it a rule not to drink before giving an author talk. Alcohol gets me very relaxed very quickly, and am likely to say something like ‘You should buy my book because it has a purple cover’ or ‘I write because I’m a show off’ when I am even slightly intoxicated.
Okay, so I wasn't quite this bad, but still....
I was appearing with a couple of other authors, including the novelist Nikki Gemmell, whose latest book, With My Body, is almost entirely about sex. We had all been asked to prepare a short excerpt from our books to read, so I figured that as Nikki would have to read something about sex, I may as well do the same. I prepared an extract from When My Husband Does The Dishes... called ‘Sleep Is Better Than Sex’ and sat happily on stage picking pesto out of my teeth, waiting for my turn to read.

Then things took a turn for the unexpected. The wife of the rabbi at my synagogue walked in, and sat in clear view in the audience. She wasn’t even a mother at the school! Now, I can talk about sex in front of practically anyone, but to a woman who is Holy By Proxy? Not so much. I was thrown into uncertainty. But still, it got worse. Nikki stood up to read her excerpt, and it wasn’t about sex at all. She read an utterly tame passage from her book about motherhood – quite possibly the only segment not about sex in the entire thing. Looked like I was going to be all on my own. I felt like I was about to be thrown to the lions.

Still, there was nothing to do but press on. Up I rose, and headed with trepidation to the microphone.
“This chapter is entitled ‘Sleep Is Better Than Sex’,” I said, and the entire room sat up straight. They laughed all the way through and applauded loudly at the end. I sat down in relief, and felt so happy that I relaxed a little too much, and ended up answering ‘Because I’m a show off’ when asked why I like to write. I may as well have just had the wine.

Afterwards, a girlfriend who was in the audience approached me.
“It was great, but you have to keep your legs together when you stand up,” she said. “The whole room could see your undies. Still, at least you were wearing some.”

I poured myself a huge glass of wine. I’m never doing an author talk again.

23 comments:

  1. How is it each and every one of your blog posts makes me laugh out loud? Surely so many funny things can't really happen to one person! 

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  2. Tsk tsk, Kerri. I always though successful PUBLISHED authors, would always wear a tasteful pant suit. You weren't wearing one of Boo's skirts, were you ?......

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  3. There is nothing I like more than a friend helpfully pointing out embarrassing things that you can't fix. Thank god there was wine!

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  4. At least there wasn't pesto in your teeth ...

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  5. It is one of the moments when you know you've embarrassed yourself but there is nothing you can do other than laugh so it happens. Smile and keep going :)

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  6. Just a matter of time before you pull the "skirt tucked into your panty hose" schtick, isn't it?

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  7. *giggle* *snort* we need interesting people like you visiting our school :)

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  8. Which is why I don't wear panty hose. WAY too dangerous for the likes of me.

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  9. You'll have to ask Nicky Lavigne about that. She saw it.

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  10. She's FOUR. We won't be able to share clothes for at least another year.

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  11. Having been to see you doing a talk, as an author, and with another author, who shall remain nameless but who was wearing a very very short dress, and I was sitting in the FRONT row so I know, I can only empathise with you about the Rabbi's wife. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! 

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  12. Surely a real friend would have tucked that story away in the "to share with Kerri over a few glasses of wine one night many weeks/months/years from now so not raw and amongst those who perved" file.  I'm just saying.

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  13. Hey! I was wearing leggings. Nothing to see. AND I'd waxed just in case! #thoughtitmightsellbooks

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  14. I know an author's job is to draw the audience in, but geez, this is not how your parents want you to do it. PS How many times did you have to use the word 'spread' ?!

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  15. Being a male, and despite the obvious reaction I might have to this story ... I have learned that there is only one proper way to respond to the woman in question ...

    ... "Another glass of wine?"

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  16. Hi Kerri, I bought your book today! 
     I'm being dragged on a fishing weekend with my husband.....so I'm taking you for company! 
     Hope thats OK!!

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  17. I hate boats!!! Have you ever seen a book moan and vomit before???? xxx

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  18. PMSL. I would so have loved to have been there to see that (not the panties bit - I'm no pervert - but the reading, yes). And to drink the red wine. Natch. 

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  19. that is priceless!... 

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  20. Let's be happy at least there was some undies beneath. Whenever something awkward of the sort happen to me, I just smile and try to take it easy.

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