May 30, 2011

I Got Punched!

On Saturday I got into a fight. I admit that I made the first move, but then I got slapped, hard, and I didn't like that at all. It got me right in the nose, and took off a big chunk of skin, and I bled all over my nice clean face.

It just goes to show. You should never muck around with a cupboard door.

For the record, I was the one opening the cupboard door. I was reaching up to take out a glass and leaned in just a little bit too close and WHAM. The damn thing swiped off the side of my nose. I felt the impact, but my nose immediately went numb, so I had no idea if there was any damage. I was too frightened to go and look in the mirror (I'm not scared of blood, but I am scared of gaping holes in my face) so I ventured out into the living room.

"Um... have I hurt myself?" I asked my husband.

His face said a thousand words, all of them starting with "AAAGGGGHHH!"

"AAAGGGGHHH!" he said.

"So that's a yes?"

He directed me to the bathroom where I noticed a sizeable piece of skin flapping in the breeze, as blood trickled down to my chin. It wasn't pretty, but it was strangely fascinating.

"Stop looking in the mirror and get down to the doctor's!" my husband commanded. Ah... doctor shmoctor. I couldn't be bothered, and besides, I had five boys turning up in 30 minutes for a slumber party. I didn't have time for facial surgery.

"I'll call Karen," I told him. Karen is my doctor friend and is delighted to take calls from me at all hours of the day and night to dispense medical advice. Or at least, that's what I tell myself when I call her at all hours of the day and night. I can't see why she'd have a problem with it. I mean, if she needed blogging advice I'd be very happy to give it. Of course, she doesn't actually have a blog, but that is completely beside the point.

Karen told me to gently ice the wound, stick the skin down, and get some steri-strips from the pharmacist to help the healing. I followed her advice to the letter, especially the bit about getting black jelly beans from the pharmacist to help with the trauma. (Karen may not have specifically advised that, but I know it was what she was thinking.)

So since Saturday afternoon, I have sported a bandaged nose with dried blood peeping out from around the edges. It's a very fashion-forward look, and I would recommend it to all who want to stand out from the crowd this winter. It's also done wonders for my husband's reputation, as the general consensus from friends and family that smacking oneself in the face with a cupboard door is utterly preposterous, which means that someone must have hit me. And, the only people in the house at the time were my husband and Boo - and Boo was sleeping - clearly he must have done it.

Now, it's not nice for people to think that my husband is a wife beater. However, it's even less nice for people to think that I'm a self-slapping moron. So yes, my husband did it. Bad, bad man.

Oh, and for the record, we were going to put the cupboard door down - after all, there's every chance it could strike again - but the cupboard looks pretty silly without it. So we've put it in the naughty corner. Conveniently, this is located in the back of the kitchen, right where the cupboard lives. It will stay there till it's learned its lesson.

Or until I work out how to open it without smacking myself in the face. May be a very long time.

45 comments:

  1. Oh dear. This made me Laugh Out Loud. Naughty cupboard.  My son has a bed corner that consistently does the same darned thing (to toeses, not noses).  I suspect we shall need to up the punishment if we are to have a win. Or call in the SuperNanny. 
    :-)
    BB

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have tears...tears from laughing (with you, not about you) and also from pain. It must have hurt A LOT. I cannot stop wincing.
    I hope it's on the same side as your sticky out ear. So you only have to turn your head slightly one way to hide both. You know, for photo shoots...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'd chuckle and say that's embarrassing and would never happen to me.  But in one day, I fell down a slippery driveway, grazing my knee, elbow and hand, hit my head on a cupboard door, getting a black eye and ..wait for it...got my nipple slammed in a door by a cranky 2 year old (who wasn't even mine!).

    Hope your nose feels better soon though.  My nipples are still scared of that little girl..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Kerri,

    Your article is funny, and I do realise you're joking but I always find jokes about domestic violence a bit distasteful.

    Sorry, but the ending made me cringe.

    (I can't work out how to post just my name/email address so will have to sign this post instead - sorry about the anon).

    Cheers,

    Chris.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That glass you were reaching for... was it a wine glass? I'm guessing it was after the incident. Or maybe a whine glass? Boom boom!

    ReplyDelete
  6. The cupboard was clearly a ninja in hiding. Careful those damn ninjas of the household lurk everywhere

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are talking to the woman who managed to get a really bad concussion and then severe WHIPLASH from her pantry door in the kitchen. Need I say more?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Okay, a sore nose is one thing, but a nipple slam??? That's as bad as it gets!!!! Bad, bad little girl!

    ReplyDelete
  9. NO!!! It's the other side!!! *sobs loudly*

    ReplyDelete
  10. You women can be such mega klutzes. My sister once fractured her skull slamming closed the boot of her SUV

    ReplyDelete
  11. As one who slammed her head in the car door last year and was concussed from it I sympathise wholeheartedly. It's also made me think that doors are pretty stupid really. Not the humans in charge of operating them. Not at all.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rebecca Jade McGuireMay 30, 2011 at 3:02 PM

    Yes, put it down. I plan on doing the same with every corner i kick my little toe on. x.

    ReplyDelete
  13. She managed to break the skin - I had a bruise for a month! It was the worst.day.ever,lol.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You brighten my day.
    You could have inserted a pic of the battered wife nose to get me snorting though.
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Poor thing! How on earth do you manage to make something that's both painful and a bit embarrassing sound so funny?! You rock!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, Kerri. *shakes head sadly*, and you hadn't even been drinking, HAD YOU ?......

    ReplyDelete
  17. Kerri, I think we, yes, *we* have a case here, as I have just added an Armchair Law Degree to my Armchair Psychology Degree. This qualifies me to make my next stunning conclusion. It WAS your husband.

    THE ARCHITECT. This was SO premeditated, he was plotting this one long ago over the drawings of the kitchen. I know, shocking. So sorry to be the one to break it to you. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Seriously laughed out loud - which is fine except I am sitting in a completely quiet shared office. And I can't take back my snort-laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh YES!!! It's all starting to make sense now!!! *looks around in fear.....*

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am trying to retain a modicum of dignity here..... x

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh completely. Bloody doors. Kill 'em all.

    ReplyDelete
  22. ROFL! I'm allowed to laugh because cupboards are not my friend either, I am sporting a whopping bruise on my right calf after *ahem* getting it caught under a kitchen cupboard door just the other day and I too have lost chunks off my face. Hope you have a speedy recovery!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh Kerri, doesn't your cupboard know?

    Violence Against Women.
    Australia says NO.

    ReplyDelete
  24. LOL. That's brilliant. I will put up the placard now.

    ReplyDelete
  25. The most amazing funny blog I have ever read in my life. I have shared so many of the things you have written with my friends and family as I just couldn't keep the laughs all for myself. It always brings a smile to my face when I see on my dashboard that you have a new post.
    And that's why you are 1 of my 5 nominees for the Kreative Blogger Award, check it out here http://chubbybuddys.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-have-been-nominated-for-this-awesome.html

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank god you don't have any modelling or fashion shoots this week...or do you>??

    ReplyDelete
  27. by the way i should give some sympathy. Poor poor baby. if you need some TLC  i'll bring it on wed night. xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  28. Poor angelpie!  But if I were you I would take a picture of the scar now, while it's still crusty and hideous looking, and then send it to the manufacturers of the EFT with a note to the effect that their machine caused hideous facial trauma and you are planning to sue (hey, it might have. If you actually used it and fell off, that is, or if you walked into it in the middle of the night.)
    They will immediately refund you all your money and take the EFT away. That's gotta be worth all the hurt. At the very least, it's no skin off your nose.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Too funny...I mean, so sorry about your hideous injury!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Black jelly beans cure everything. Don't they??

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thanks for deleting my comment Kerri. Glad to see you clearly do support unfunny jokes about domestic violence.

    Chris.

    ReplyDelete
  32. So, I read this hilarious post from you, and the next post my blog reader presented to me was this:

    http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2011/05/agency-754.html

    I'm feeling a little freaked out right now.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Plunket nurses are required to ask if their mums feel safe with their partners.  I don't think mine was too amused when I shared my husband had managed to swipe me in the head when trying to free a trapped wasp from my curly mane; apparently wife-beater jokes aren't so funny.

    ReplyDelete
  34. You were just DYING to get that line in, weren't you???

    ReplyDelete
  35. Dear Chris,
    Of course I didn't delete your comment. I am losing comments left right and centre through Disqus (this is a known problem) and yours is one of three that are sitting in the back end of my blog. I have absolutely no idea how to get them to the front. I have never deleted any comment - I welcome all feedback, both positive and negative. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
    Kerri

    ReplyDelete
  36. Oh that's BIZARRE. I'm a bit freaked out too.....

    ReplyDelete
  37. Yes to black jelly beans.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Very bad happen with you. Nose injury is very painful. Nose will swell and bleed oftenly. If your suffer a broken nose because of an accident which someone else is thought about to be legally responsible for - you ought to be entitled to claim compensation.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Facial surgery effects well to getting better performance of work. Information make it well and excellence. It treat easily to better and effective look.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!