Today my back is killing me. I injured my back several years ago during a lingerie pillow fight with Chelsea Handler* and it's never been the same since. Sometimes it feels fine, but then I will pick up Boo the wrong way or stand up too suddenly or sleep in a funny position or just BREATHE too hard and wham, my back will click out of place again. And then suddenly I am hideously crooked and horribly bent over like some sad old woman with too little time and tremendous burdens to endure**.
Still, the news isn't all bad. I mean, sure I'm in tremendous pain and have caused some consternation amongst Boo's pre-school friends ("Mum, why is that lady keep saying 'Owwwwwwwww' and making a scary face?") but there is always an upside. Several, actually. And after I take this dose of ibuprofen I will share them with you.
[Insert swallowing sound here]
1. My sore back gives me an excuse to lie on the floor with my knees apart moaning loudly without anyone trying to take sexual advantage of me or ease a baby out of my womb;
2. My sore back allows me to wear those fun stick-on heat packs you get from the chemist, which always give me a thrill of excitement (I still haven't worked out how they heat themselves up when you take the label off. It's just like magic.).
3. My sore back allows me to get away with being in a bad mood. ("Yes, I know I just yelled at you for asking where the salt is. Deal with it. My back is KILLING ME, okay?")
4. My sore back means that I don't have to do housework. The laundry piles up, the pantry runs dry, the towels are left on the floor, the dishes are left dirty, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can bloody well sort/shop/tidy/clean themselves. Or don't. I couldn't care less, OKAY? (er... did I mention I was in a bad mood?)
5. My sore back gives me a week's leave from all sexual duties. Maybe even two weeks.
6. My sore back gives me reason to take copious amounts of medication, which, when washed down with copious amounts of alcohol (which I need as I have had a very bad day as I have had a very sore back) give me a very nice buzz indeed.
7. My sore back means that I have to get a massage. And then another massage. And then, when it's all better, ongoing massages. Wouldn't want to have a sore back again....
*cause of injury is completely fictitious.
**which, of course, I actually am.