January 14, 2011

BIG NEWS: My Husband No Longer Wants Sex

The news was not entirely unexpected, but it was still a big blow.

My Husband no longer Wants Sex.

I'd been warned that this might happen. I had been told that certain people might have a problem with My Husband Wanting Sex, and that I should brace myself for the possibility that Sex would be off the menu. But when I got confirmation just the other day, I was bitterly disappointed.

I was on the Central Coast staying with my parents when I heard the news. If I'd been home, no doubt my husband would have tried to console me with sex. But alas, we were apart.

I'm talking, of course, about the title of my forthcoming book. When My Husband Does The Dishes He Wants Sex sadly is no more. Certain large retailers were uncomfortable with the word "Sex" in the title, and the last thing I want to do is bite the (generous, highly intelligent and, may I say, good looking too) hand that feeds me. So there was no choice but to change the title.

As the book is being rushed through for a May release there was little time to think of a new title. I spent an (increasingly drunken) evening with my parents - including a couple of anguished phone calls to my sex-wanting husband and several anguished emails to girlfriends - trying to do just that, and I got exactly nowhere.

"When My Husband Does The Dishes He Wants To Sleep With Me?" suggested a friend.

"When My Husband Does The Dishes I Know Why?" suggested my dad.

"When My Husband Does The Dishes He Wants To Fuck?" suggested my mum. (Nah, I'm joking. That one was me.)

"When My Husband Does The Dishes He Wants To Make Love With A Mature Consensual Adult In The Context Of A Loving Relationship Under The Approving Eyes Of Our Lord"? suggested my husband. Hey, you can't say it doesn't roll off the tongue...

I eventually went to bed and spent more agitated hours trying to find a solution. And then, at about midnight, in a flash, it came to me!

"When My Husband Is Is In The Mood He Does The Dishes!" I texted my friend Lana excitedly.

"No. Sounds like he's in the mood for cleaning" she responded. Oh yeah. i guess I hadn't thought of that.

I went to bed in utter despair. All was lost. My book was a total disaster.

And then at three am, I woke, with the perfect title in my head. I was unbelievably relieved. I wrote it down and slumbered soundly until eight, at which time I looked at the piece of paper and groaned. "When My Husband Does The Dishes, Believe Me, I Know Exactly What's On His Mind" I'd scrawled. Yup. I'd need a cover the size of a fridge just to fit it all in. Had someone slipped me drugs in the middle of the night?

I drank my coffee and ate my toast whilst muttering to myself.

"When My Husband Does The Dishes... When My Husband Does The Dishes... When My Husband Does The Dishes... WHEN MY HUSBAND DOES THE DISHES...!!!"

And then it hit me.

When My Husband Does The Dishes... That's the title of my book.

So there you have it. My Husband no longer Wants Sex. But you can be absolutely positive He's still going to Do The Dishes.

I'm not going to compromise on that.

22 comments:

  1. So funny - particularly the mum comment bit. You got me!

    The angst. Seems the title of a book is almost as hard as the writing bit... x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good choice! However I would have liked to have seen.
    "Dishwashing, underhanded act of males intent on illicting a canoodle."
    For no other reason than I like the word "Canoodle".

    Canoodle
    Canoodle!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh. I thought for a second that your husband actually no longer wanted sex. But then *that* book would be fiction.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My mind has gone into overdrive too......

    "There's a damn good reason why my husband does the dishes".....Except maybe damn and sex are equally "offensive" to the hand that feeds you!

    Or just "Why my husband does the dishes".

    Anyway..clearly I have crossed over into fantasy land.

    Your book! Your title!

    Good luck with it!

    x

    ReplyDelete
  5. You. Crack. Me. Up.
    Can't wait to read about your hubby and his er.....dishes xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Roll on May! Will there be a fabulous booksigning tour? If so, I would very much like to be your Canberra host...

    ReplyDelete
  7. me too - very much looking forward to the book - hold on though - this isn't a book aimed at children, yeah? (even if it was, well most kids would either know what sex is or not care or be 3 and running around saying 'sex,sex,sex' all the time anyway, or..hold on this is getting rambly)
    How just wrong though - lots of books have sex in the title.
    Grump. am upset on your very cool old book titles behalf.
    (yet will buy many copies of the new titled book)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Omg too funny. Get my signed copy ready!!!! Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Or perhaps, my husband does me after the dishes.........

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bitterly disappointed that they don't want the SEX, but not surprised. I'll buy the book anyway, but only because I know the REAL title! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm excited for this book! Awesome title. Although I have to say that I do approve of your Husband's title....perhaps that can be the sequel?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I like Canoodle too. A hard task when asked to change the title but you did well.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I must say, I would have loved to see your dad's option chosen!

    ReplyDelete
  14. You're too funny....can't wait for the book!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, soooo funny! I know that gnashing-of-teeth search for just the *right* title. And also identify with sleeping soundly after getting down in writing the fantastic idea you had at 3am, only to find it pretty useless... still, you can't deny the getting back to sound sleep part isn't great.

    I like it. But I loved your "mum's" suggestion too ;P

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know another author who found that "sexy" was frowned upon by book the retail industry. Sex sells people! When I buy my copy, I shall write in the sex bit myself, or maybe got with your "mum's" suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ahhh the dishes, they can be so dirty, saucy and, well, dishy!

    Another hilarious post Kerri.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Geez, you had me worried for a minute. He no longer wants sex? Which means, obviously that you're getting more sleep... actually, maybe I shouldn't have been worried.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Looking forward to your book Kerri regardless of what it ends up being called!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I like Canoodle too. A hard task when asked to change the title but you did well.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Good choice! However I would have liked to have seen.
    "Dishwashing, underhanded act of males intent on illicting a canoodle."
    For no other reason than I like the word "Canoodle".

    Canoodle
    Canoodle!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!