So after my star turn on this episode of A Current Affair last night, I have been bombarded with questions about four particular issues (and yes, three questions can definitely be a 'bombardment'). People wish to know:
A) What on earth am I doing with a white sofa when I have KIDS?
B) Were they my real children or stunt-double pefect children?
C) Were they my real eyebrows or stunt-double perfect eyebrows?
D) Why was I cut off so rudely at the end of my interview?
Thank you all so much for your interest in these terribly important issues. I shall now address each question in turn.
A) Why do I have a white sofa when I have kids? Because I also have a Husband, and he is a Designer (said in Very Important Tones), and according to my Husband the Designer, a white sofa is the only possible design solution for that particular Space. (Architects do not refer to 'rooms' or 'areas', they refer to 'spaces'. Please remember that.)
Never mind that one out of three of my kids is a Toddler, that two out of three of my kids are very clumsy, or that three out of three of my kids are incredibly messy. Never mind that I spend approximately 47 minutes EACH DAY OF MY LIFE cleaning that couch with special White Sofa Cleaner (also known as 'Chux Magic Erasers', and no thisisnotasponsoredpost, but while we're on the subject they are the best thing since sliced bread, in fact better, because they get rid of the Vegemite stains that sliced bread leaves behind). I HATE that friggin white sofa. It is the bane of my existence. I'm kicking it now.
B) Yes they were my real children sitting on my real white sofa. And yes, they are perfect. They sit there for HOURS like that, placid, serene and compliant, with their little legs sticking out and their little mouths hanging open. Sometimes they even drool. And then I turn off the TV and they become hideous monsters again. So I try to turn it off only rarely. After all, I don't have time to deal with monster children. I'm too busy cleaning the white sofa.
C) Yes they were my real eyebrows. However, they have not always been my real eyebrows. My real eyebrows used to look like this:
It took months - no, years - of painful - no, excruciatingly painful - electrolysis to get them looking so perfect. So praise my eyebrows. And keep it coming. Because every single one of those hairs needed to be plucked out at the root and a red hot poker thrust in to kill the follicle, and I'm going to need a LOT of appreciation to make up for that hideous trauma.
D) Why was I cut off so rudely at the end of my interview? Well, as Tracy Grimshaw so eloquently expressed in her tweet, it was an itchy trigger finger in the control room of ACA. But to tell you the truth, I must accept some responsibility. After all, I did not stop talking. For about two hours. In fact, I continued to talk long after the camera crew had left my house, driven down the road, and off into the night. I continued to talk long after the TV had been switched off and my kids had resumed smearing Nutella all over the white sofa. If you really want to know, I am still talking now, as I kick the white sofa with all my might. So don't be too harsh on ACA. I pose a pretty tough editing challenge.
I hope that answers all your questions. So, from me, and Tracy Grimshaw....