So next week, my husband is accompanying my son to a talk at his all-boys school. (My son's all-boys school, that is, not my husband's. My husband is all grown up and goes to work now.)
The talk they are attending is about penises.
Okay, so it's not just about penises. It's about breasts and vaginas too. In fact, it is about all things related to private parts. It is called "Preparing For Puberty", and is presented by specialist sex educators.
And I've decided to allocate this one to my husband.
Now, you know me. I love talking about penises and breasts and vaginas. It's right up my alley (so to speak). But there's something about this talk that really bothers me; one thing I cannot deal with in front of a crowd of pre-pubescent boys.
Wet dreams.
Oh! I can barely even type the phrase. Of course, there's nothing wrong with the words themselves. 'Wet' makes me think of rain, and 'dreams' makes me think of having forgotten to study for a big test (which is the scenario usually played out in mine). But put them together and you get something very different. Something - to me, anyway - kind of scary.
You see, I grew up with one sister and no brothers. I didn't have to deal with any of those kind of... things. I read about wet dreams in that 1970s bible of sex education "What's Happening To Me", but as I knew the part about wet dreams wouldn't actually Happen To Me, I didn't think much about it. And for some reason, in all my years of marriage, it has never come up in a discussion with my husband (er... again... so to speak).
So now is the first time I'm really thinking about them. And they sound very unsettling. I'm sure wet dreams must be awkward for boys; you know.... strange and potentially embarrassing. But jeez, they're certainly better than what pubescent girls can look forward to. I can't speak for every female, but I know I'd much rather swap my cramps and bleeding each month for FREE ORGASMS IN MY SLEEP A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK!!!!
So with that in mind, I'm sending hubby and son off to the talk next week. I shall stay at home with my two totally non-pre-pubescent girls, and think lovely thoughts about flowers and moonbeams.
I hope they have a good time, and that all questions related to that particular issue are discussed in the car on the way home.
And I shall pretend puberty, and all it entails, is still a decade or two away.
Oh the joys. LOL As a mum to an 18 yo & 16 yo boys I can let you know that you have lots of fun stuff ahead. If you find a towel on the floor beside the bed or a big rolled up pile of tissues my advice to you is DO NOT TOUCH IT. That is all.
ReplyDeleteNot too make you shudder more than you already are, Kerri, but 'someone' is going to have to do your son's dirty washing. *shudder*
ReplyDeleteI still recall a boy in early high-school sharing with a few of us girls how he thought he had wet himself the first time 'it' happened. I think I may have run away with my fingers in my ears, which is the exact reaction I still have.
Oh dear. Definitely a job for a dad, that one!
ReplyDeleteHubby and I were having this weird conversation the other day (don't worry, it wasn't about wet dreams!) - he was saying how men have it so much worse than women once they start having to have prostate checks. Um, yeah. Needless to say, I went on a rant and it ended with him saying, "OK, so you have it worse, sorry for mentioning it."
No, no, no, no, NO!!!! I cannot read this. I have 3 boys. I hadn't even THOUGHT about this yet.
ReplyDeleteDamn you, Kerri Sackville.
*throws self on floor and sobs*
Somehow I think I am happy now we have 4 girls! :)
ReplyDeleteLOLs Kerrie, I so agree I would much rather have a wet dream than a period. You are a classic, keep em coming xo
ReplyDeleteHmm, hadn't thought about this much but having a son I suppose I will have to at some point. @Annieb25, thank you for the advice :) I suspect that if you'd not said that I would have blithely picked up those tissues or that towel so I'm really pleased to have had your experience to fall back on :)
ReplyDeleteI might ask 'someone' I know about this phenomena, seeing as he'd have experience with it lol Could be an interesting discussion ;)
You know, strangely I feel completely differently. I so badly want my son to know that it's normal. As normal as my daughter waking up with blood on her sheets, just want him to know that he can tell his mum and we'll sort it out easy peasy - no one else needs to know and it's all fixed.
ReplyDeleteHe's going to have so much that he'll be too ashamed or embarrassed to talk to me about in his life - I don't want something completely physiological to be the start of it.
Oh, how I wish that I could fix all of my children's future problems with a load of washing!!
I also think that he'll find it easier to come to me with his problems than his gruff old dad, their time is wrestling - our time is talking, learning, reading and cuddling - not sure what he'll need at the time but think it will be understanding and a quick, quiet solution rather than uncomfortable silence and a pat on the arm with 'happens to us all mate'. ;)
Hope that dad doesn't find the talk as uncomfortable as I'm sure your son will ;)
I guess you're leaving the masterbastion talk up to your husband too?? While our girls haven't even started periods, they know all about them & my husband looks at me in that "please don't ever die" kind of way that would make him dread explaining how to use tampons with a teenage girl. Bless him. Ditto for me with conversations about wet dreams & masterbation.
ReplyDeleteMy parents & school told me nothing (all girls private school, sex education it is not, reproduction yes, emotions, urges & feelings NO!!) Small mercy, i had a big sister, she learnt the hard way, but gosh, easier for me.
So with a soldier for a husband who goes away a lot, i dread when our boy starts at his all boys private school as i might be the only mummy in the crowd, still none the wiser, even though he's the 4th, my speciality is lady issues & our first 3 children are girls, easy!!
Can your husband do a guest post & let us in on the results of the discussion, give the likes of me a head start on what to expect (i have time up my sleeve, son is 7). All i can imagine is me saying "it's all totally normal buddy, but if you'd like to learn how to wash your own sheets, this is where the laundry is". Love Posie
On the tissues note - I have already had copious amounts of blood, snot, vomit, urine and poo on my hands since having kids (plus numerous unidentifiable liquids and solids which were extremely questionable).... I'm battle hard - reckon I can handle a little semen. Although I won't know till it happens, that's for sure!
ReplyDelete(was that taking it too far?.... ;P)
My husband was convientently away for both of our boys''Preparing for Puberty' talks...so I was one of the few mothers there...we had to scream out 'masterbation' 'penis' 'vagina' etc at the top of our voices and then talk about our own puberty experience with our sons...I needed more than a couple of stiff drinks at the end of those sessions I can tell you...and yes Annie, these days I tell my almost 15 yr old to pick up the tissues beside his bed...he rarely does. I love being a mother...shouts out Menapause at terrified cat!
ReplyDeletePosie Patchwork - LOVE your comment. But the idea of my husband writing a guest post on MASTURBATION......
ReplyDeleteAin't. Gonna. Happen.
Ok, so I'm gonna see if I can have a crack at this from a single-male-who-in-his-head-is-still-an-adolescent point of view, which, hopefully, will give some insight.
ReplyDelete- Wet dreams are a release valve. They happen, for sure, but to be honest, not as often as you might think. I'll leave it to your imagination why adolescent guys might not have too much pressure behind that particular release valve. (Masturbation, just in case you didn’t get it.)
- Get your son tissues and his own bin. If he can take care of the problem in a way that isn't embarrassing and he has control over, your chances of finding stiff towels are much lessened. The point is (wanky [ha!] word warning) empowerment. Don’t make him feel like a freak who needs special treatment, give him the chance to be in control. Honestly, the scariest thing about any of these adolescent things, as far as I can remember, is not feeling like you’re in control. (One day I’ll write a blog post about unwanted erections and track pants. Seriously terrifying.)
- Also, sort of in answer to Samantha, don’t be surprised or offended if your son doesn’t want to talk to his mum about this stuff. It’s completely subjective, and yeah, I agree, the pat-on-the-shoulder-gruff-mateship solution is pretty crap, but there are things that happen in between, and, no matter how close he is to you, it might be too much for him to talk about. (Saying this essentially because I am really, really close to my mum, and have NEVER had a conversation about sex with her. And we’re both cool with that arrangement, as hilarious as it is.)
My personal favourite awkward-sex-talk with my dad was when I was 17, heading to a jazz festival (band camp!) and he said to me as I got out of the car "You know you can get condoms at Coles or Woolies, right?"
I did. And said so. And was embarrassed for a second before I realised the deeper, and more important meaning: MY DAD THOUGHT I COULD GET LAID. Ha.
N
I was loving this post and having a fantastic giggle until I read the comments and jodie said "no no no I have 3 sons" suddenly I remembered I have one too!
ReplyDeleteI think teaching kids how to use the washing machine is a great idea and works in well with Nicks thoughts on empowerment.
So, bins, tissues, and learning how to do laundry and never ever ever asking - "so, honey, had any wet dreams lately? wanna talk about it?". good - all covered.
Good lord. I read this while eating my sushi with creamy mayonaise filling. Do you have ANY idea how much innuendo was just in my mouth? *That sentence not included.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to discuss this issue any further. I find the best way to deal with these things is also the best way to deal with family pets who have died without the kids realising.
Bury it. Pretend you don't know what they're talking about.
Also, buy them ice cream.
Hey Kerri, I'm back in the blogosphere now. And I'm so glad to have time to come back here! You're a gem, as always.
Our babies grow up and become grown-ups: it's the saddest and happiest part of parenting.Please tell me you'll all still be here when mine are teenagers.
ReplyDeleteBTW - While it may not be quite as messy I would like to suggest that boys aren't the only ones orgasming in their sleep. Um...er... I don't know how I know this but...anyhoo. ;)
Nick, LOVE your comment. :)
ReplyDeleteand you're more than right - the likelihood is that he won't want to talk to me about that or anything else at the time. I guess I just was trying to say that I want to be there for him if he wants to talk to me. I don't want him thinking that I won't talk about the gross or embarrassing stuff, or that there's boys stuff he talks to dad about and other stuff he talks to mum about, even if that turns out to be true naturally :)
I loved your dad's advice though, of course now I just want to know what did happen at music camp...... ;)
oh dear - I never thought of this - its okay - my son is still only 8, still only 8, still only 8. And yup I can pretend Nothing Is Happening. Not to my little boy :(.
ReplyDeleteWonder if this is how Dad feels about daughter turning 11, going into grade 6 and hitting puberty - or maybe not - he deals with my periods with aplomb....It'll be interesting to see.
hahaha free orgasms in your sleep. gold.
ReplyDeleteGod defo must have been a man. Free and/or unwanted orgasms for men, no effort required; and periods, pregnancy and childbirth for women. I think it's only fair that your hubby take on this er, hard, subject.
ReplyDeleteKerri trust me,wet dreams aren't all they're cracked up to be. How can you enjoy an orgasm, if you're fast asleep? The best ones are when you're upright, and awake...
ReplyDeleteActually as we all know, sex is better. In fact,the last time I had sex,it was so good,even the neighbours had a cigarette.........
ReplyDeleteI whole heartedly agree with Nick's sentiments. Great post!
ReplyDeleteRick's comments rang very true as well. Not something that as a boy, you want to make as an item of discussion at your next family meeting.
The interesting thing for me is reading mums have such mixed feelings about the subject. There's this strange mix of curiosity, disgust, and fear that appears to be surging through your veins.
Lest I throw myself like a lamb to the slaughter -- if you have any questions about wet dreams you're too embarrassed to ask, I'll try and answer them.
Oh good grief I'd forgotten about them! My son is twelve...he's awkward enough without this subject being brought up by anyone..eeek!
ReplyDeleteNick - as a single mum, with a son who has just turned 12 and entering into highschool next year - THANK YOU!
ReplyDeletegetting a man's perspective is always refreshing. a male friend of mine recently said the same thing "He so NOT gonna want to talk to you about this stuff"
kerri - you think right now that its going to be so much easier with your daughters... and yep the whole period etc conversations probably will be - what won't be is having this woman-child standing in front of you who can turn from that cute little girl you knew to vixen femme fatale and back again in 2.5 seconds and have your head reeling so fast that your left wondering where the hell did the last 14years go...
I'll wait for that post - and give you the name of a book that is brilliant. ;)
Great comments. Yes Nick, my oldest boy did get his own box of tissues and bin when he turned about 12 years old. Like you Kerri, I too sent my husband along with my son for the 'talk' at his school. The positive thing that came out of it was that my boy came home and said that he was glad not to be a girl because of everything they went through.
ReplyDeleteOn a funny side, about a year later, he came running in to let us know that he had his first wet dream (and I haven't forgot to remind him). He was so excited (excuse the pun). That was over 5 years now. Our other son however has not been so forthwith with his experiences (maybe due to all the teasing his older brother gets). Any way, great blog.
Hmmmmm. I have an 11 year old boy and am very houseproud- can't bear the idea of stiff crumpled tissues or dirtied sheets. Do you think it would be OK to start sending him to bed wearing a condom?
ReplyDelete(Brilliant blog! As usual. xx)
Somehow dealing with my toddler son's teething and tantrum issues seem almost... Fun? A simultaneously hilarious but terrifying post Kerri. Thanks xx
ReplyDeleteGreat comments. Yes Nick, my oldest boy did get his own box of tissues and bin when he turned about 12 years old. Like you Kerri, I too sent my husband along with my son for the 'talk' at his school. The positive thing that came out of it was that my boy came home and said that he was glad not to be a girl because of everything they went through.
ReplyDeleteOn a funny side, about a year later, he came running in to let us know that he had his first wet dream (and I haven't forgot to remind him). He was so excited (excuse the pun). That was over 5 years now. Our other son however has not been so forthwith with his experiences (maybe due to all the teasing his older brother gets). Any way, great blog.
I guess you're leaving the masterbastion talk up to your husband too?? While our girls haven't even started periods, they know all about them & my husband looks at me in that "please don't ever die" kind of way that would make him dread explaining how to use tampons with a teenage girl. Bless him. Ditto for me with conversations about wet dreams & masterbation.
ReplyDeleteMy parents & school told me nothing (all girls private school, sex education it is not, reproduction yes, emotions, urges & feelings NO!!) Small mercy, i had a big sister, she learnt the hard way, but gosh, easier for me.
So with a soldier for a husband who goes away a lot, i dread when our boy starts at his all boys private school as i might be the only mummy in the crowd, still none the wiser, even though he's the 4th, my speciality is lady issues & our first 3 children are girls, easy!!
Can your husband do a guest post & let us in on the results of the discussion, give the likes of me a head start on what to expect (i have time up my sleeve, son is 7). All i can imagine is me saying "it's all totally normal buddy, but if you'd like to learn how to wash your own sheets, this is where the laundry is". Love Posie
Ok, so I'm gonna see if I can have a crack at this from a single-male-who-in-his-head-is-still-an-adolescent point of view, which, hopefully, will give some insight.
ReplyDelete- Wet dreams are a release valve. They happen, for sure, but to be honest, not as often as you might think. I'll leave it to your imagination why adolescent guys might not have too much pressure behind that particular release valve. (Masturbation, just in case you didn’t get it.)
- Get your son tissues and his own bin. If he can take care of the problem in a way that isn't embarrassing and he has control over, your chances of finding stiff towels are much lessened. The point is (wanky [ha!] word warning) empowerment. Don’t make him feel like a freak who needs special treatment, give him the chance to be in control. Honestly, the scariest thing about any of these adolescent things, as far as I can remember, is not feeling like you’re in control. (One day I’ll write a blog post about unwanted erections and track pants. Seriously terrifying.)
- Also, sort of in answer to Samantha, don’t be surprised or offended if your son doesn’t want to talk to his mum about this stuff. It’s completely subjective, and yeah, I agree, the pat-on-the-shoulder-gruff-mateship solution is pretty crap, but there are things that happen in between, and, no matter how close he is to you, it might be too much for him to talk about. (Saying this essentially because I am really, really close to my mum, and have NEVER had a conversation about sex with her. And we’re both cool with that arrangement, as hilarious as it is.)
My personal favourite awkward-sex-talk with my dad was when I was 17, heading to a jazz festival (band camp!) and he said to me as I got out of the car "You know you can get condoms at Coles or Woolies, right?"
I did. And said so. And was embarrassed for a second before I realised the deeper, and more important meaning: MY DAD THOUGHT I COULD GET LAID. Ha.
N