July 27, 2010

It's War

Those of you who follow Twitter may know that a war has broken out between me and two other bloggers. It saddens me to say it, but it is true. Insults have been exchanged, online friendships stretched, and hundreds of words written in the desperate pursuit of truth. It has been an intense week, and it is not yet over. Because The Chocolate Wars have just begun.

To summarise: a Person Who Shall Remain Nameless (mainly because I've forgotten who they were) mentioned white chocolate on Twitter one night. Now, obviously you can understand my indignation. Obviously 'white chocolate' is a misnomer. Obviously there is no such thing as 'white chocolate'. White chocolate is not real chocolate. White chocolate is confectionary. But - brace yourself for this - stunningly, not everyone can see this. There are still some utterly deluded individuals out there who believe that a Milky Bar is the same substance as a slab of rich, glass-and-a-half dairy goodness. It beggars belief, I know.

So the battle lines have been drawn. On Team RealChoc are Kylie and me, with a veritable army of intelligent, gastronomically insightful supporters behind us. On Team WhiteChoc (whose name alone inspires rage in my breast) are Cate and Sarah. And in the middle is Heath from ColesOnline (thisisnotasponsoredpost), who sent us each 'research packs' containing WAY too much of the dismal white stuff, and who will, on August 6th, judge the great chocolate debate. Each team will submit two blog entries, and from those entries, one winning team will be decided.

Now, obviously Team RealChoc will be the winner. But believe me, I will take no pleasure in our victory. It deeply saddens me that women like Cate and Sarah (and their measly handful of supporters) can believe in such propaganda as the existence of 'white chocolate'. Furthermore, it saddens me that they can waste precious calories on such a substance. I mean, they can eat what they like, but when there are taste sensations like Caramello Koalas and Cadbury Dairy Milk and Lindt Milk Balls available... well... why would you turn to confectionary?

Still, let me confirm that this is not about taste. Just because I don't enjoy the flavour of something that tastes like solidified sugary milk doesn't mean that they can't. No, what it's really about is the truth. Doesn't matter what the chicken tastes like, girls. You can plop it in the water and make it swim but it's never going to be a duck. Likewise, you can shape your confectionary into a bar and bung on a label but you're never going to turn it into chocolate.

Now, I have to go rinse my mouth out with a Freddo Frog after a horrible experience with something pale.

And remember: this isn't my official Team RealChoc post. It's just a taste of things to come.

29 comments:

  1. Well chocolate isn't real chocolate if it has ANY milk in it. 75% + dark chocolate mmm

    That said Les Grandes (Gold Label) Almond White Chocolate is delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahahaha!

    You know including White is Right!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Here here! You know I am right behind you both. xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pre-emptive strike achieved.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand white chocolate is just confectionery but it is still very delicious, I would have gladly eaten your box full of goodies!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm not even sure I'd use the term confectionary. "Cocoa butter snack" is the way Extremechocolate.com describes the white stuff.... and even that's generous. Lovely start Kerri. Unite the true believers! Victory shall be ours! Or at least as many Caramello koalas and strawberry Freddos as we can cram down our throats.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sigh......you'll be telling me white wine isn't wine next.
    At least this post has me buoyed with confidence now. Sarah and I are home and hosed. (it will be support hose after all the chocolate consumption)
    #chocwars
    #teamallchoc

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bah - you call cadbury REAL chocolate?

    I come from the land of mountain top mists, where real chocolate sadly has died, never to be seen again.

    Yes, after many years of amazing handmade chocolate heaven The Chocolate Kingdom closed. *Sob*.

    This stuff was so incredibly good that people talk about it everywhere... Was once at a party in the deep south of Sydney (Illawong), and a very, very rich cousin (he owns most of NSW) of my friend begged me to fly down kilos of the stuff! Offered financial incentive to do so... Alas, I was fickle, I did not follow through. But it does show just how glorious a chocolate it was. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Look,people. Unless the chocolate melts in your mouth and slides orgasmically down your throat,due to the cocoa butter as used in REAL chocolate,you haven't experienced Nirvana...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Will people hurt me if I say I don't actually like chocolate?
    www.wastyle.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. The day I can have a white chocolate mud cake, topped in blue icing, accompanied by a sparkling white wine, will be the day I know I've made it in this world.

    Go Team White!!!! Or the Smurfs. I'm not sure what I'm going for anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Mmmm give me silky smooth, cocoa buttery silkiness, perfectly sweet white chocolate any day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I would sell my soul for a Caramello Koala

    ReplyDelete
  14. Milk chocolate, having milk in it, isn't chocolate either. I'm going to my stash of Swiss dark chocolate now.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I've been trying extraordinarily hard to have a couple of weeks of 'my body is a temple'. Just a couple of weeks. And I have been faced with this non-stop chocolate talk on twitter to such an extent that this afternoon at 3.50pm I cracked. I ate chocolate instead of almonds and an apple (for the record it was dark chocolate). I'm not getting involved in the actual dispute. I'd recommend a cage fight for that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Go team real chocolate!

    I can't stand white chocolate, just the look of it makes me feel a little bit sick.

    ReplyDelete
  17. i support you, i think white cholocate doesnt even taste like a black one, actually white chocolate is made while black is already a natrual thing

    ReplyDelete
  18. White chocolate any day for me over milk chocolate....specifically Green & Blacks white chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Y'all just need to acknowledge that Hershey's chocolate bars are the best chocolate bars ever produced in the history of mankind. Save yourselves some pointless bickerin'. :)

    Joel

    ReplyDelete
  20. Despite the fact that I am still #notbitter about losing my place in the tasting team, you have my support. White chocolate does not deserve the name chocolate. It shall forevermore be known as White Fat And Sugar.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Everyone I've spoken to and asked to imagine chocolate, characterise the gooey mass as dark chocolate. Milk chocolate just doesn't feature in the depths of the imagination. People don't lie to themselves! :-) Colin

    ReplyDelete
  22. I can settle this once and for all, although as an avid follower of Cate's on twitter and her blog, it saddens me to do this.
    The word chocolate comes from two things: Choc (coco) + late (latte, milk).
    Coco and milk. Cocolatte. Chocolate. If it does not contain coco and milk, it is not, literally speaking, chocolate.
    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Sue (Just_Leithal)July 31, 2010 at 10:03 AM

    Bwahaha! Well this explains why I have been dreaming about chocolate lately, as well as it filling my every waking thought for the past few days.

    PMSL at chucking a chicken in water (at this point I'm thinking: ..chicken soup? what's that got to do with chocolate..?)and making it swim!! Only Kerri could mention the word chicken (and duck!) in a post about chocolate...

    ..however with regard to ducks..if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then I say...it's white CHOCOLATE!


    Oh & Bern...I agree...white chocolate mudcake IS TO DIE FOR!!!


    Awaiting the Chocolate Wars blogs with gleeeee!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Milk chocolate. Plain and simple YUM.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Freddo Frogs? Surely, they are not the same ones I am so familiar with. The ones with the lame-haven't-been-changed-in-20-years jokes printed on them? #toogoodtobetrue

    And by the way. Wite chocolate is not chocolate. The End.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Everyone I've spoken to and asked to imagine chocolate, characterise the gooey mass as dark chocolate. Milk chocolate just doesn't feature in the depths of the imagination. People don't lie to themselves! :-) Colin

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hahahaha!

    You know including White is Right!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Go team real chocolate!

    I can't stand white chocolate, just the look of it makes me feel a little bit sick.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!