Those of you who follow Twitter may know that a war has broken out between me and two other bloggers. It saddens me to say it, but it is true. Insults have been exchanged, online friendships stretched, and hundreds of words written in the desperate pursuit of truth. It has been an intense week, and it is not yet over. Because The Chocolate Wars have just begun.
To summarise: a Person Who Shall Remain Nameless (mainly because I've forgotten who they were) mentioned white chocolate on Twitter one night. Now, obviously you can understand my indignation. Obviously 'white chocolate' is a misnomer. Obviously there is no such thing as 'white chocolate'. White chocolate is not real chocolate. White chocolate is confectionary. But - brace yourself for this - stunningly, not everyone can see this. There are still some utterly deluded individuals out there who believe that a Milky Bar is the same substance as a slab of rich, glass-and-a-half dairy goodness. It beggars belief, I know.
So the battle lines have been drawn. On Team RealChoc are Kylie and me, with a veritable army of intelligent, gastronomically insightful supporters behind us. On Team WhiteChoc (whose name alone inspires rage in my breast) are Cate and Sarah. And in the middle is Heath from ColesOnline (thisisnotasponsoredpost), who sent us each 'research packs' containing WAY too much of the dismal white stuff, and who will, on August 6th, judge the great chocolate debate. Each team will submit two blog entries, and from those entries, one winning team will be decided.
Now, obviously Team RealChoc will be the winner. But believe me, I will take no pleasure in our victory. It deeply saddens me that women like Cate and Sarah (and their measly handful of supporters) can believe in such propaganda as the existence of 'white chocolate'. Furthermore, it saddens me that they can waste precious calories on such a substance. I mean, they can eat what they like, but when there are taste sensations like Caramello Koalas and Cadbury Dairy Milk and Lindt Milk Balls available... well... why would you turn to confectionary?
Still, let me confirm that this is not about taste. Just because I don't enjoy the flavour of something that tastes like solidified sugary milk doesn't mean that they can't. No, what it's really about is the truth. Doesn't matter what the chicken tastes like, girls. You can plop it in the water and make it swim but it's never going to be a duck. Likewise, you can shape your confectionary into a bar and bung on a label but you're never going to turn it into chocolate.
Now, I have to go rinse my mouth out with a Freddo Frog after a horrible experience with something pale.
And remember: this isn't my official Team RealChoc post. It's just a taste of things to come.