April 15, 2010

Don't Mess With Ms PMS

Today, my friends, I am not your friend. (And yes, that previous line didn't make sense. So what are you going to do. SUE me???)

Right now, I am not anyone's friend. I'm angry at the world. Particularly at... well... particularly at nothing, nothing that I can think of, anyway (and believe me, I'm thinking, I'm thinking). But I'm irritable and I'm angry and I want to show it.

So why am I so irritable? Well jeez, can't you work it out?

Obviously, I am irritable because I am pre-menstrual. Yes, my period is about to start and my body is doing the Monthly Dance Of Mad. The hormones are at work, rushing through my poor womanly veins, sloshing around my brain, making me want to stab everything that moves with the fork I am currently using to spear bits of extremely salty fetta off my plate. (I crave salty things when I'm pre-menstrual. Got a problem with that? SUE me.)

What's more, my breasts are sore, I'm absolutely starving (even after 23 pieces of salt toast), I have no energy, and my tummy is poking out of my jeans like a partially inflated helium balloon. And why? For what? I've had my kids. I don't want anymore. Why do I need to keep menstruating for another decade or so? And even if I did want to keep menstruating,why does it need to make me feel cranky and horrible? Isn't menstruating itself bad enough?

Furthermore, things keep going wrong today, just when - in my delicate, pre-menstrual state - I need them to go right. This morning, for example, we ran out of Vegemite. I mean, can you believe it? How the hell does that happen? Who on earth was responsible? Well, me, most likely, but that is completely beside the point. It made me furious and distraught, and so desperate for my salt fix that I was forced to eat salt on hot buttered toast, which, I can assure you, is remarkably inferior to Vegemite (though it has a similar effect on your fluid retention). And you know what? I reckon it was your fault. Okay, not really, but I'm angry, and who else am I going to blame?

And this is the worst part. Because to be honest, the only thing that has gone wrong today is the lack of Vegemite. And - whilst certainly that pained me tremendously - it wasn't sufficient reason to get really angry. And I want to get really angry. Desperately. I want to yell and scream and, if at all possible, smack someone really hard. And everyone has been perfectly charming. It's terribly frustrating.

So for the moment, I'll just have to suffer in silence. But god help anyone who contradicts me. And if my husband tries to suggest that I'm pre-menstrual, well, he's going to get a smack.

And if you've got a problem with that, SUE me.

31 comments:

  1. No Vegemite???

    No VEGEMITE??

    That's the best fucking excuse I've heard to stab someone, PMT or not!!!

    I found an empty jar at the back of the cupboard once when I THOUGHT IT WAS FULL and when I was a mother of 6. Now I am a mother of 3 ... too fucking right no Vegemite is a VERY VALID excuse to get angry.

    *grumble*

    PMT, of course, means you can be super angry over Vegemite deficit issue ...

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  2. Ahhh go frantically wipe a bench, over and over and over, why doncha? Oh, woops, sorry, that's my psychotic, mood-swinging, grumpy-fuck, irrational behaviour...As you were x

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  3. Whoa! I'll come back next week.I already have a live in grumpy pants... ;-D

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  4. I get highly irritable when I ovulate (natural contraceptive maybe?) and that pisses me off!!

    People (Yes Andy! I'm looking at you! And you! and You too!) mutter under their breath that it must be that time of the month, mumble mumble, pmt, mumble but it isn't even close!

    Stupid freaking ovulation! Mumble, mumble. Obviously our cycles are different by approx 2 weeks.

    Now will everybody F off and stop annoying me!!!!!!

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  5. Oh Kerri - at least you realise it's the PMS. Once a month I stomp around the planet wondering why it is so inhabited by fuckwits whose every last wish is to make my life a misery.

    And the next day I say

    "oh"

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  6. Oh yes, my cranky pants are pulled up HIGH today too. Don't like that I'm copying your grumpy state? SUE ME!

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  7. Wow, I was feeling stabby in my PMS state but now you've introduced me to the wonder that is salt on buttered toast, well, I don't hate any more I LOVE! Damn, actually I would love if I hadn't run out of butter - who in the hell does that?

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  8. Knew there must be something good about reaching menopause if only I could remember what it was...

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  9. OMG, I think I am you!
    Pre-menstrual...me too!
    Ran out of Vegemite this morning...me too!!
    Mad...AS HELL...at nothing!!!

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  10. I woke up grumpy this morning. I'm not PMS'ing, I don't do vegemite and we haven't run out anyway. I asked my Mr grumpy pants to move out last year so what the hell is my excuse?

    Anyone ???

    Please ???

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  11. Very timely post, Kerri. I have just had THE MOTHER of all PMT, and I totally challenge you to top it (because yes, that's the kind of mood I'm in too *stares defiantly*...) You are about to hear more than you ever needed to know about my bodily functions (but you started it!)
    I have had three menstrual cycles in the past (count 'em) 4 and a half years (in between weaning one kid and falling pregnant with the next). My last period was in August 2007 (until now).Yes you read correctly. Between being pregnant and breastfeeding (which completely stops my periods until I wean the child) I've been basically period-free. Hurrah. But the downside is, that I am currently attempting to wean my reluctant toddler off the breast, while suffering from a double-whammy oxytocin-withdrawal/ 2yearbrewing PMT situation. There must be a rehab clinic for people like me. Surelypleasegod. I'm going off to punch a pillow now.

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  12. OMG I loved this post and all the comments. I am the feral bitch from hell when I am PMSing ... I have to hide all the forks because everyone, and I mean everyone, who comes into contact with me deserves to be stabbed in the temple with a fork. Don't chew loud, don't slurp, don't bang cutlery together, don't ask me anything, don't say mum and don't whatever you do think of asking me for any bedroom relations in the entire 2 weeks leading up to this ridiculous thing women have to endure month after month after month ..... where are all the fracking forks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  13. Being your No.1 Fan, obviously if I saw you out somewhere, I would *immediately* want to run up and say hello and ask for your autograph or something. I might even hug you, whether I thought you wanted me to or not.

    But today? Ah, not so much. You're a little on the scary side.

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  14. If you know you really don't want any more kids just go on the pill and take it without taking any breaks = no period. That's what I do!

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  15. See - I never know either - I get upset and teary about well EVERYTHING from my book not being where I left it to the fact that keys on the bloody lap top don't bloody work, I feel nauseous and starving and then I end up having major panic attacks and think I am going insane...

    Then I wake up the next day and go 'oh' or more likely "bugger bugger bugger why do I have no naprogesic, owch, owch, i can't get out of bed" and then crawl to the kitchen for a heat pack....

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  16. I have had my kids, and my husband, who, once a month I HATE for a week, very kindly went off and had a vasectomy. What a kind, considerate man - who I want to stab with the blunt pencil next to me - he is.
    My children - who I adore, really are the most annoying little so & so's who NEVER do what I say, and leave crumbs & butter smears in the vegemite- so JUST let me do it for you for fuck sake you little blighters. AND WHO THE FUCK MOVED MY KEYS? AND WHY AM I DRESSED IN THIS DISGUSTING DRESS I HATE, AND WHY AM I YELLING... AND SO WHAT IF I WANT VEGEMITE TOAST & CHOCOLATE & A CUP OFF TEA ALL AT ONCE.... AND WHY ARE THESE LEGGINGS SO TIGHT ON MY TUMMY & THIGHS....oh yes, right. As you were, as long as 'as you were' is where I can't hear you breathing in that annoying way. Now pass me the vegemite and chocolate. & tissues because that add for nescafe is really, really sad.

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  17. I was savagely pissed when I put semi on my breakfast instead of skimmed; that was until I rediscovered how much better it tasted.

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  18. A friend just sent me this timely joke:

    Q: How many pre-menstrual women does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
    THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

    I'm sorry. What was the question?

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  19. That was, in a nutshell, PRICELESS.

    Yours in premenstrual sisterhood x

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  20. Ange, that may be the best joke I've ever heard. It has the entire family in hysterics. The dog thinks we've totally lost it.
    I used to get epic PMS, where I would cry at ANYTHING. I actually cried for 5 minutes because I snapped a hairband doing my hair for school one morning. I had about 20 other school regulation hairbands on the dresser next to me, too. And I got pretty much every physical symptom imaginable, too. Then I went on the pill, and 99% of it went away. The pill is the most wonderful invention in the world. It really is.

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  21. Thought I might share a very strange phenomenon .... In the olden days ....just before my period I could keep my PMT at bay by not wearing woollen jumpers with pollo necks (do you call them pollo necks in Sydney?) and by not wearing woollen trousers and definetely no woollen scarves.

    At the best of times I didn't like wearing wool cos it made me itchy and scratchy but just before my period I found that if I was wearing wool I wanted to tear the clothes off my body and strangle someone with my woollen trousers.

    The thing is I then became almost phobic about wearing wool at other times too. And I didn't put my children in pure wool jumpers or trousers either. Needless to say they all developed my wool phobia.

    Otherwise I think I was perfectly normal. Never wanted to stab anyone with a knife but I have to admit there was this one time that I imagined lopping off someone's head.

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  22. Thank you for this post I think most of us can relate to this one!
    I can usually tell I've got PMS when I am ready to explode like a volcano when I become absent minded and when I just want to slap someone!
    It is funny that we can laugh at PMS jokes when we are not pre menstrual but tell me "Are you pre menstrual?" or pms jokes when I am and as Aunty Jack would have said "I'll rip your bloody arms off!"

    Holding that thought..a joke
    Q;Why does it take a pre menstrual women three hours to cook a chicken?




    A: It JUST DOES RIGHT!

    Jennifer

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  23. So what happens when PMT goes away? Menopause. I'm not quite there yet, but I hear it's a bugger.

    Hope you feel better soon, I am following you from Twitter via Seraphim's blog.

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  24. there are some strange anon comments on here - (p.s. - is the pill one true??? I thought that was an urban myth)

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  25. hey, I think we've all been hanging on Twitter and in Blogsville for too long cos all our grumpies iz synced up.

    I too have had the week from hell. No PMS but fuck, would happily take ANYONE'S eye out with a blunt knife - just for the sheer release.

    Come back - I'm kidding (a little...)

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  26. April, I'm assuming you mean the pill with no breaks = no period comment? I think it depends who you are. If I skip the sugar pills, then I just end up with really nasty breakthough bleeding for a large portion of the next month. Other people don't have that problem though. Also, doctors recommend having a period every four months, minimum, because it's not particularly good for your body to constantly be ingesting hormones for extended periods. Plus, there are things that can go wrong and the first symptom is skipping a period, which you obviously won't notice if you never have them.

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  27. Cerry- My doctor told me that it is perfectly safe to skip your periods with the pill for up to a year, as clinical research has been done up to that period of time. She said it is more than likely safe for even longer but has not been researched yet. Obviously not all women find skipping their periods in this manner effective or appropriate for them, but its a lifesaver for me :)

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  28. Hi Kerri, I fortunately had a hysterectomy some years ago now so no more monthlies for me. I do still suffer mild bouts of PMS. Usually it's just all the weird food cravings and ravenous appetite. Thankfully I no longer get the irats but have been told that the short temper etc will return once I hit menopause.

    Oh what a joy it is being a woman.

    ps. only new to your blog but promise to come back. Well written.

    word verification = mylpi

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  29. hey, I think we've all been hanging on Twitter and in Blogsville for too long cos all our grumpies iz synced up.

    I too have had the week from hell. No PMS but fuck, would happily take ANYONE'S eye out with a blunt knife - just for the sheer release.

    Come back - I'm kidding (a little...)

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  30. I have had my kids, and my husband, who, once a month I HATE for a week, very kindly went off and had a vasectomy. What a kind, considerate man - who I want to stab with the blunt pencil next to me - he is.
    My children - who I adore, really are the most annoying little so & so's who NEVER do what I say, and leave crumbs & butter smears in the vegemite- so JUST let me do it for you for fuck sake you little blighters. AND WHO THE FUCK MOVED MY KEYS? AND WHY AM I DRESSED IN THIS DISGUSTING DRESS I HATE, AND WHY AM I YELLING... AND SO WHAT IF I WANT VEGEMITE TOAST & CHOCOLATE & A CUP OFF TEA ALL AT ONCE.... AND WHY ARE THESE LEGGINGS SO TIGHT ON MY TUMMY & THIGHS....oh yes, right. As you were, as long as 'as you were' is where I can't hear you breathing in that annoying way. Now pass me the vegemite and chocolate. & tissues because that add for nescafe is really, really sad.

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