UPDATED:WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!
Yes girls (well... it WAS mainly girls), after some wonderful entries here online and privately via email, I have made my decision. And yes, I unashamedly allowed myself to be swayed by the clever inclusion of the term 'Simon Baker'.
So congratulations to MAMA MOGANTOSH
for your extremely funny entry. Please email me at k.sack@live.com or via Twitter with your address so your prize can be posted out.
And well done to everyone else. May stimulation find you in other ways.
BIG buzzy news....
The gorgeous girls at Love Being Woman are offering a fabulous Be Be as a Mother's Day Giveaway to one very lucky Life&OtherCrises reader. And you don't even need to be a mother to win!!!
Now, many of you will have read here of my fondness for the Be Be, an utterly brilliant personal massager (using 'personal massager' in the sense of, well, 'vibrator').
And now, I have one to give to you.
So I have come up with a competition.
But first, some exclusions:
- This competition is not open to Lana (SharpestPencil) for fear of perceived bias.
- This competition is not open to any of my family members because they don't have sex. Even alone. Especially alone!
- This competition is not open to Marguerite or Rudy because they have one already.
- This competition is not open to any of my parents' friends because if they have sex then my parents do too and that just freaks me out.
- This competition is open only to those who will use the Be Be with the regularity, reverence and love that it deserves.
- This competition is only open to those who like Nutella. Because if you don't like Nutella, you're weird.
Tell me in 100 words or less (or more!) what your explanation would be if your child / mother / cleaning lady / real estate agent stumbled across your Be Be.
The best, most creative entry will win the prize.
I am the judge and my decision is FINAL.
I am the judge and my decision is FINAL (sorry, that was so much fun I just had to say it again).
Entries may be submitted as comments below, or to me via email at k.sack@live.com if you prefer to remain anonymous (except, you know, to me.....)
The winner will be announced on FRIDAY 30th APRIL on my blog. Please note that if you haven't provided contact details it is your responsibility to contact me at the above address to claim your brilliant prize.
Good luck, and thank you to Be Be Vibes!
It's this thing I won from Kerri Sackville coz none of her family were allowed to enter because they don't have sex. Ever and especially not alone. Not that I'm having sex. Alone. It's a heel massager. Does wonders down there.
ReplyDeleteI have, in the past, told my child that it was a special massager used to get air bubbles out if your ears after swimming. All good until child got air bubbles in his ears while swimming.... Sadly my "special massager" is no more (from too much use???)
ReplyDeleteI want to win. I will "massage" away any perceived bias.
ReplyDeleteI am pretending that being on the exclusion list (and top of it at that) means I am in some kind of special elite circle. Like a secluded area at a function behind velvet ropes where I am served canapes and champagne while the others drink cask wine and eat sizzled sausages. But then I think of the sausages and I think..... well never mind but it seems all the people outside of the exclusion zone aren't allowed to have sex!
Are you sure your decision is FINAL?
I’d say it’s something I won in a competition for (mis)quoting Shakespeare (my alterations in brackets):
ReplyDeleteTo die (the little death): to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand (pleasurable) shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
Surely by this point they would have lost interest and wandered off, right?
(My apologies to Shakespare and Hamlet)
when a man can do what the Be Be can do, then i will marry him, have his children so i can one day enjoy a mothers day.This will most likely never happen, so i really need a Be Be. Plus, i really like nutella... REALLLY LIKE IT!
ReplyDeleteMum: WTF (Not that she'd actually swear or cyber shout!)
ReplyDeleteMe: You only have yourself to blame. All the toys that provided me excitement were Barbies and My Little Ponies...my bf's not hung like a horsey so i guess its all about plastic fantastic!
Shit! Is that what that thing in my ()'s drawer is used for! She told me it was a reflexology device!
ReplyDeleteJust realised I should have included the first line of the Shakespeare quote I included in my comment - "To Be (Be) or not to Be (Be). That is the question." :-)
ReplyDeleteVibrating purple penis
ReplyDeleteIs hard to ignore
When children decide to go on an explore
Of my bedside drawer
The Be Be
So sweet and so small
Would provide some respite
For this frazzled mother of four
I am not sure how it works
But from your musings to date
I expect that I would cease to be so irate
And instead find myself in a blissful state
That? Why, that's something that I won in a competition. I don't really know what it is. You know what competition prizes are like - USELESS. You shove it away in your bedside draw and forget about it.......um, yes, it's opened. no idea who did that. What do you mean the battery is flat? I'll have to speak to the competition organiser about that!
ReplyDelete"Mum what's this?" asks son holding up the pretty BeBe.
ReplyDelete"Oh that, well you know how women have periods? It's used for ..."
Son throws BeBe back in drawer and runs with hands over his ears singing "lalalalalalalala" ... men & boys so don't want to know anything about periods!
It's a great way to get them to stop asking questions full stop!
It's a receptacle for my private Nutella stash. I keep it here in my bedside drawer for when, you know, all the other 'Nutella' has run out.
ReplyDeleteIt's my new massaging computer mouse. It helps prevent RSI in my hand and wrist.
ReplyDeleteOK, no excuses, so I doubt this counts as an entry, but I have to tell you that years ago, when we moved o/s for 5 years we packed up our belongings into boxes that were flown to our new country. Because we didn't have a fixed address to start with (just a hotel), the boxes were sent to my husband's workplace (the reason for the move). We had a quick holiday before he started work, so they made it there a good two weeks before he began. Unfortunately though, one box split en route. Unfortunately that was the one with my, um, massage device (which I had been afraid to pack in my luggage for fear of a customs inspection). Unfortunately when the boxes were delivered my massage device spilled out onto the boardroom floor with some other items. Unfortunately it then sat there on the table in full view of all my husband's new colleagues for a fortnight. When he left the job three years later the farewell speech concluded "And we'll all really miss Laddy and his battery-powered wife." Somehow I don't think they were talking about my energy levels.
ReplyDeleteII would have to tell them that when my youngest sister was little she couldn't say my name, Libby. It came out Bebe. Then, as she was shopping recently, she saw this item called "BeBe" and felt that it was simply meant for me to own. So now I keep it in my bedside drawer as a “pick me up” for when I’m sad and need a “feel good” moment. It’s a great help because you aren't allowed to keep Nutella in the bedroom. Amazing that my sister was so wise as to know this.
ReplyDelete(At least the bit about my name is true)
Hi Kerri,
ReplyDeleteDepending on my mood and that time of month...I would either say..
Oh that? That is a modern day foot massager, especially good for the ankles and for relieving stress.
Or I would say... Why were you in my bedroom? Yep, it's a vibrator! Used one lately?
love Jennifer (jjbd on twitter)
Soundless alarm clock so I don't wake you all up and then I will be able to wake up early and make you all pancakes as a suprise - hopefully they will be too distracted by the mention of pancakes and not ask how to set it
ReplyDeleteI'd just say something like, "Oh, that? That's the device I use to contact my REAL people back on the planet Zxxyx. And that notebook I carry around saying I'm taking notes for articles or my novel? Yeah, well..."
ReplyDeleteAnd then they'd probably make me take my meds, but at least they'd stop asking about my cussing vibrator.
What, this old thing? Actually it's a portable electrolysis machine, and it's pretty painful so Mummy needs privacy when she uses it, and if you did happen to hear yelps and squeals, or even walk in on Mummy making a disturbing face, you'll know why.
ReplyDeleteAlso 'Simon Baker!' is a bad swear she might shout.
So best you go and make Mummy a cup of tea. She'll feel much, much better soon.
Well... What would I say? I would say: "Mum, this is my birth control device.. Use this and I don't need a man..."
ReplyDeleteWhile I wanna be a mummy one day, I'm not ready just yet..
Also, I have a secret confession to make.. I mentioned to you a few months ago that I didn't like nutella.. Here's the truth.. I don't like nutella when it's ON anything! I ONLY like it when I can scoop it out of the jar with a spoon. I don't like it on toast, I think it's the combination of the flavours. Nutella is a flavour that needs to be enjoyed on it's own...
(THERE! I think that's pretty brave to admit to not liking nutella in a competition entry...)
btw, bring back #WTFistoddlersaying *that* was SO much FUN!!!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI would say that I got it in a gift bag at a bridal fair & they were giving them away because they say the sex dwindles after marriage so I would need it after the honeymoon.
ReplyDeleteThen I would ask if they wanted to see my other toys ;-) lol
I so hope that three versions of this comment aren't going to be posted, I'm having posting troubles.
ReplyDeleteKerri, I'm going to take your word on this and just buy one. I am not good at creative excuses, in fact I'm very bad at them. Example. My 8year old son wandered past my room when I may or may not have been having sex with my husband. Instead of opting for a truthful explanation, I opted for a farcical,ridiculous one involving my husband vomiting, the dog jumping on the bed and a storm. He's going to have some issues when he realises what was actually happening. Example 2. While I was reading in a crowded, horrible ballet waiting room yesterday the same son got a tampon out of my bag and spent a fair while swinging it around. No other ballet mothers said a word btw. When he asked what it was I said, through gritted teeth, 'give it to me, it's a thing'. That's it. As I said, not good at the excuse thing.
I think Kylie L should win based on the fact that I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard at the image of her "massage device" sitting on the boardroom table at her husband's new workplace. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteThanks Francesca :) I think I am disqualified by the fact I had NO excuse (not many massage devices have, um, veins) but glad to hear you got a laugh out of it. I am still in therapy and unable to attend corporate events with my husband's colleagues.
ReplyDeleteplease please please can i enter just this one time. I don't like nutella but i've never won anything...ever. well does a Cindy Lauper record count back in 1985.
ReplyDeleteWhen my 10 year old son caught me with my mouse like contraption in my left hand he exclaimed "Mum what is that?" My reponse was "Oh sweety Mummy is trying to google CLIMAX".
ReplyDeleteKerri, I am entering this competition for Fun Only. Remember ... for Fun Only! I do not (I repeat ... do not) want to win. Seriously, I can not emphasize how much I do not (I repeat do not) want to win.
ReplyDeleteYou see (for those who do not know me) I am a Nana, my children are either pregnant or have children of their own, and I am married to a grandfather.
Forget the real Estate Agent and the cleaning lady. They would just laugh. But my kids would seriously kill me if they heard I had won (or even entered) such a competition. Because like Kerri's parents, the grandfather I am married to and I do not, (I repeat do not) err ... you know err ...have sex!
And if my children found my winning prize they would seriously be sick and vomit. They would not want an explanantion. They would shut their eyes and cover their ears and sing lalalalalalala. But I would offer them one anyway. In fact I would offer them several explanations;- ....your dad is a grandfather and you know he gets a bit tired these days .... it's to help with my new diet ....... it's my new exercise plan...... it's to help with the arthritis in my err (yuk)fingers .....it's a present for you, sweetheart....it's not what it looks like ....... it's for the garden ........... the hairdesser gave it to me with my new hair conditioner ..... it's a joke, seriously a joke, .... I have no idea how it got here... it was left by the previous owners of the house ..... it's came in the Tuppaweare package (err yuk!) David Jones was giving them away with lip gloss ... it belonged to your late grandmother (that's why she was always running late) anyway she left it in a shoebox with the naphtaline balls and a packet of lifesavers.
And then the final one, if none of the above work ... if you mention this to any one or ever bring it up again, I will write an article about how you found it and send it in to the local paper.
I think that last one should just about do it for them.
No fear i love nutella (especially on pancakes yummy) haha
ReplyDeleteIf someone was to find mine i think the conversation would go a little like this
mom: "katie i was just in your room and found this odd looking device" (pulls out viberator)
me: "Oh well you see that is my new wireless mouse for my laptop!
isn't pretty!"
mom: "that is so nice! but why does it say love being a woman?"
me: "well you see a portion of the procedes go to a self esteam workshop for young women"
mom: "OHHH i think that i might won't one...where did you get it?"
me: "i think the product is discontinued, it was a limited time offer."
mom: "that is too bad. could you show me how to use it soemtime?"
me: "ya for sure!
me: thinking to myself "thank god my mom knows nothing about electronics and has a terrible memory!"
the end haha
kshuttle@uoguelph.ca
I was going to enter but instead I have to vote for Sooze - the "to be or not to be" made me laugh so much that i am vibrating all on my own, lol
ReplyDeletehmmm i love nutella but can't really afford it at the moment being as I am a poor student....
ReplyDeleteMum: What is this pretty thing?
me - oh that is my new mr buzzy - i won it in a competition - isn't it great! (my mum would no doubt be very jealous and go straight out and buy one - which would increase sales!)
p.s. My other personal massager has died a sad and sorry death (possibly from overuse but let's not go there) and the be be is on my list of things to buy once I get a teaching job so winning this competition would be wonderful...
I won't win, because I'm already the proud, and by proud, I mean satisfied, owner of a BeBe. If, by chance, I did, ended up with two and was unfortunate enough to have someone other than my boy friend find them, I would merely say they are my hand weights...perfect size for power walking and such a fashionable color.
ReplyDeleteN x
hmmm i love nutella but can't really afford it at the moment being as I am a poor student....
ReplyDeleteMum: What is this pretty thing?
me - oh that is my new mr buzzy - i won it in a competition - isn't it great! (my mum would no doubt be very jealous and go straight out and buy one - which would increase sales!)
p.s. My other personal massager has died a sad and sorry death (possibly from overuse but let's not go there) and the be be is on my list of things to buy once I get a teaching job so winning this competition would be wonderful...
When my 10 year old son caught me with my mouse like contraption in my left hand he exclaimed "Mum what is that?" My reponse was "Oh sweety Mummy is trying to google CLIMAX".
ReplyDeleteI cant believe I have missed the cut off date for this - I had purchased a whole big pink vibrator a couple of years back it was pink and complete with a butterfly and it was good - anyway my then 31/2 year old son found it and asked what it was. I told him it was my friend Pams and she used it for cooking.
ReplyDelete