March 12, 2010

Cuddle? Fine. But Get Out Of My Bed.

My friend Jess has asked me to sleep with her. Just once. As a 40th birthday present. And to be honest, I’m not that keen.

I don’t want to sleep with a woman. I’m 40 years old, I’ve come this far in life without having done it, and I’m happy to continue not having done it indefinitely.

Of course, it’s not like Jess is asking me to have sex with her or anything. Neither of us have any interest in that (although I imagine it would give our husbands a tremendous kick). No, she’s invited to a girls’ weekend away, in a house in the country, with a bunch of friends. Sounds lovely so far, right? Except that there will be more women than there are actual beds, so some people will have to share, and she wants to share with me. And that thought fills me with horror.

Now, I’m not repulsed by the female form, by any stretch of the imagination. And I love my friends very dearly. It’s just that, well, I prefer to love them from a comfortable distance. You know. Where I don’t actually have to hear them breathing.

I don’t like to share my bed with my friends. To be brutally honest, I don’t like to share my bed with anyone. This poses a minor problem, considering the fact that I am married, and when I say ‘anyone’, I include my husband. Oh, don’t get me wrong; I like sharing a room with him, and I certainly like using a bed with him (provided I’m not too tired, the kitchen is clean, and all the kids are asleep). At the end of the evening, however, I would prefer us to have a nice cuddle, then move to twin beds and slumber – separately, but together – for the rest of the night.

I’m all for the concept of sleeping in the same bed as one’s partner – in theory, anyway. It’s just the practicalities that concern me. I’m a light sleeper, and my husband… well… he bothers me. He rolls over in bed (I know – how selfish is that?). He breathes, heavily at times (I know, inconsiderate again). He pulls the covers up. He pushes the covers down. He scratches himself. And he clears his throat. Of course, from the other side of the room, his throat clearing isn’t so bad. But from three centimeters away from my ear, it’s like being woken by a volcano erupting in my head. At two in the morning. Every single morning.

Furthermore, I like a lot of personal space. I like to sleep in different positions. On my back, on my tummy, arms behind my head, arms to my side, arms straight up like a soldier (rarely, but I like to keep my options open), legs splayed, knees drawn up to my chest, hanging from the chandelier wearing bunny ears and a tail (okay, so that one is my husband’s fantasy). And I don’t like to be restricted in my movements by anyone pushing my limbs out of the way when I fancy a good stretch.

And it’s not just in the physical realm that sharing a bed can be problematic. My husband and I do, rarely, have little arguments (using ‘little’ in the sense of ‘medium to big’), and after one of these rare occasions (using ‘rare’ in the sense of ‘ reasonably regularly actually’), having to sleep in the same bed together is really annoying.

My husband just rolls his eyes at my attempts to expel him to the couch, so I generally curl up in a tiny fetal ball at the extreme edge of my side of the bed in order to demonstrate just how cross I am. (Of course, I could retreat to sleep on the couch myself, but that would be inconvenient and uncomfortable, so I’d rather just stay and make my point.)

Still, buying separate beds at this stage of our relationship seems like too much of a statement. We started off in a queen sized bed (before I realized the throat clearing thing was not just a temporary allergy, and when arguing seemed like a laughable proposition) and now we’re pretty much stuck with it.

But sharing a doona? Out of the question. It’s been two single doonas for us for a very long time, and that’s how we plan to stay.

And as for the weekend away? Well, I’m thinking that this time, the couch is probably a good option.

But if Jess wants to cuddle? Well that’s absolutely fine.

16 comments:

  1. Wow, I thought I was the only one who got uncomfortable sharing a bed with another female! I have no idea why, but I'll take the couch over sharing ANY day! The weekend sounds fun though, you should definitely still go and just work around it!!

    My husband and I do much better sleeping together since we got the king size bed! Now, we cuddle for a little bit, watching TV, then give eachother a peck goodnight and retreat to our own sides! It works for us!!

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  2. I'm so with you, I HATE having to share a bed with anyone, including my husband. Even as a kid, I remember being at friends' for sleep overs and I would just wishing they'd stop breathing (not because I wanted them dead - just to shut up). I would love separate beds, but we've settled for the king size option (my husband feels separate beds would be 'unromantic'- somehow he's managed to miss that that description would pretty much apply to all other aspects of our lives but anyway!). Oh, and I wear ear plugs so I can't hear him breath (or our daughter call out, so there is an extra benefit too).

    Once we went on holiday and were forced in to a queen size bed AND I'd forgotten the ear plugs and couldn't get any more. Lets just say it we weren't at our most loving for that week!

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  3. I think separate beds should be mandatory. My husband kept me awake for hours last night with his snoring, tossing and turning etc etc. I probably do the same from time to time (hopefully not the snoring but who knows). I've never understood people who claim that they sleep practically right on top of their partner and can't stand to sleep alone. As much as I love my husband I think we both would have a much better nights sleep curled up alone in separate beds (and bedrooms if we had a spare one). As for sharing with a friend - no way!

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  4. This was so funny. I actually share a bed with my friend and my sister on a regular basis...which is a little weird, particularly as my bed has just me in it for the majority of the time and, like you, I really do LIKE MY OWN SPACE!

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  5. I'd LOVE to sleep separately from my wife, but she won't have a bar of it. No, it's not my unquestionable magnetism, it's just that she hates wearing bedsocks, and prefers to warm her frigid feet on me. Personally,I think beds are for sleeping only, particularly if you're married.Using beds for, you know, THAT thing seems unseemly, somehow......

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  6. I had to bunk in with a friend recently at a night away with the girls and it really wasn't that bad! Once we had hopped into bed we lay and talked and happily slept. Although I should mention that she was feeling sick during the night so I went and slept on the couch to give her some room. I am nice like that! x

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  7. I'm with you, Taryn. I had to share with a mate a few months ago...and even though I was a bit dubious (she was 8 months pregnant at the time) it was actually fine. But then again, maybe it was down to the fabulous beds at The Palazzo (Vegas). No spooning, though...that would've been a bit creepy.

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  8. Wonderful - very very funny!! Lots of applications in my life.

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  9. I understand why you wouldn't want to share a bed with your friend. I'm not sure I can put my understanding into words but I'll try.

    I think it's about boundaries and crossing over to ..... that's the point isn't it? Crossing over to what? To strangeness .... to body contact with a friend.

    Being up close and personal at forty is so different to up close and personal at four. When you're four you don't think past your own feelings and your own farts. But at forty ... well what if you want to fart and what about the early morning breath?

    And with friendship, you need to be mindful and thoughtful. How can you be mindful and thoughtful when you're asleep?

    With a marriage (during wakeful and sleepful times) you've really been in and around each other's ebb and flow (sex, bad breath, farts and fights) and you learn to mould, meld and manouvre (shit where's my spell check). But with a female friend (if you're not gay) well it's just new and strange really to sleep in the same bad.

    Even at fourteen I never slept a wink when I shared a bed with a friend during a sleepover.

    And being especially asked to share a bed by your friend makes it even more strange. What does that mean ? To be chosen!! To be chosen ahead of the rest!!

    The other one that I find really hard is to be away with friends and have to share a common bathroom.

    It's all about boundaries I think.

    So what to do?

    Maybe take a sleeping bag and one of those blow up beds and say that you need to sleep alone because ..... Hell I have no idea what reason you give. Maybe say you have a cold?

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  10. This was SO funny!! I can so totally relate to it! I've said to my husband a few times about how cool would it be to have two single beds instead as he is also very noisy and I love lots of space ... he's just like, "Yeah, whatever..." ha ha!

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  11. I too have been trying to convince my husband to go separate beds, even separate rooms, I've even tried to entice him with the thought of how exciting it would be to sneak into each others rooms on occasion. He won't budge, I think he sees it as the beginning of the end....

    As far as sleeping with another female, I can't do it, just imagine an accidental throwing a leg over.

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  12. This was SO funny!! I can so totally relate to it! I've said to my husband a few times about how cool would it be to have two single beds instead as he is also very noisy and I love lots of space ... he's just like, "Yeah, whatever..." ha ha!

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  13. Wonderful - very very funny!! Lots of applications in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This was so funny. I actually share a bed with my friend and my sister on a regular basis...which is a little weird, particularly as my bed has just me in it for the majority of the time and, like you, I really do LIKE MY OWN SPACE!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm so with you, I HATE having to share a bed with anyone, including my husband. Even as a kid, I remember being at friends' for sleep overs and I would just wishing they'd stop breathing (not because I wanted them dead - just to shut up). I would love separate beds, but we've settled for the king size option (my husband feels separate beds would be 'unromantic'- somehow he's managed to miss that that description would pretty much apply to all other aspects of our lives but anyway!). Oh, and I wear ear plugs so I can't hear him breath (or our daughter call out, so there is an extra benefit too).

    Once we went on holiday and were forced in to a queen size bed AND I'd forgotten the ear plugs and couldn't get any more. Lets just say it we weren't at our most loving for that week!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow, I thought I was the only one who got uncomfortable sharing a bed with another female! I have no idea why, but I'll take the couch over sharing ANY day! The weekend sounds fun though, you should definitely still go and just work around it!!

    My husband and I do much better sleeping together since we got the king size bed! Now, we cuddle for a little bit, watching TV, then give eachother a peck goodnight and retreat to our own sides! It works for us!!

    ReplyDelete

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