This is most of a 40th birthday poem for a dear friend of mine, whose defining qualities are
a) being incredibly nice
b) getting thrush a lot
c) not waxing or trimming her toenails regularly, and
d) having tons of sex with her husband (when she's not in the throes of b)).
I started by talking about how gorgeous and slim she is.
She says she eats a lot
but I am sure that's just bravado.
The only thing I see her eat
is toast and avocado.
Her lips and eyes are stunning
and she has the flattest tum.
Her hair is long and flowing
all the way to her firm bum.
She throws her clothes together
and she always looks amazing
spending money that her husband earns
when working hard at glazing.
Despite her wondrous beauty though
she is of course still flawed,
though her minor imperfections
will not make her less adored.
She sometimes feels unwell
and I don't want to make her blush
but whenever she takes medicine
she gets quite shocking thrush.
Of course, this can come as relief.
At least she gets respite
from the amorous advances
that come at her every night.
Not only does she suffer
from a very itchy snatch
but she often lets her underarms
grow to a thick, long thatch.
Her leg hairs also get so lengthy
she could almost plait them.
Months pass before she makes time to
let her beautician at them.
Her toenails too can get so long
she looks just like an elf.
It makes me feel crazed with desire
to cut them off myself.
To her dear husband Henry
she's a truly lovely wife.
Through good times and... well.. more good times
they've never come to strife.
She married him when she was twelve.
She's never had an ex.
And yet they still spend half their lives
in bed and having sex.
She can't say no to anyone
and nothing is too taxing.
The only thing that she rejects
is trimming nails and waxing.
She goes to quite tremendous lengths
for friends who are in need,
and with a friend like me
that happens frequently indeed.
We wish you Happy Birthday
and a very happy year.
Despite leg hair and freakish nails
we hold you very dear.
(with thanks to @sharpestpencil and @sheepsclothing for their inspiration for a couple of rhymes)