June 22, 2009

The 40th Birthday (Hairy Yeasty Toenail) Poem

This is most of a 40th birthday poem for a dear friend of mine, whose defining qualities are
a) being incredibly nice
b) getting thrush a lot
c) not waxing or trimming her toenails regularly, and
d) having tons of sex with her husband (when she's not in the throes of b)).

I started by talking about how gorgeous and slim she is.

She says she eats a lot
but I am sure that's just bravado.
The only thing I see her eat
is toast and avocado.

Her lips and eyes are stunning
and she has the flattest tum.
Her hair is long and flowing
all the way to her firm bum.

She throws her clothes together
and she always looks amazing
spending money that her husband earns
when working hard at glazing.

Despite her wondrous beauty though
she is of course still flawed,
though her minor imperfections
will not make her less adored.

She sometimes feels unwell
and I don't want to make her blush
but whenever she takes medicine
she gets quite shocking thrush.

Of course, this can come as relief.
At least she gets respite
from the amorous advances
that come at her every night.

Not only does she suffer
from a very itchy snatch
but she often lets her underarms
grow to a thick, long thatch.

Her leg hairs also get so lengthy
she could almost plait them.
Months pass before she makes time to
let her beautician at them.

Her toenails too can get so long
she looks just like an elf.
It makes me feel crazed with desire
to cut them off myself.

To her dear husband Henry
she's a truly lovely wife.
Through good times and... well.. more good times
they've never come to strife.

She married him when she was twelve.
She's never had an ex.
And yet they still spend half their lives
in bed and having sex.

She can't say no to anyone
and nothing is too taxing.
The only thing that she rejects
is trimming nails and waxing.

She goes to quite tremendous lengths
for friends who are in need,
and with a friend like me
that happens frequently indeed.

We wish you Happy Birthday
and a very happy year.
Despite leg hair and freakish nails
we hold you very dear.

(with thanks to @sharpestpencil and @sheepsclothing for their inspiration for a couple of rhymes)

15 comments:

  1. I would consider my first 40 years on this planet a roaring success if a friend lovingly wrote such a poem.

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  2. Oh dear, that made me laugh out loud. Very clever! Loving it. She sounds very much like my 22-year-old bestie, if only for the prevalence of thrush. Hmmm.

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  3. Kerri, I'm NEVER letting you know when my birthday is for fear I will become the subject of an ode such as this...xox

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  4. Clever, but slightly gross. Your friend may just kill you! Love fender4eva.........

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  5. Wow that was hilarious LOL What a friend! hahaaa... and ur quite the rhymer. I saw a clip on youtube ur friends made for u???

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  6. Happy to have inspired you with the rhymes
    Have often been credited with bigger crimes

    Tho your friend may not twitter
    On your blog, I’m sure she will flitter

    And when she sees how the public raves
    Perhaps she’ll become one of waxing’s slaves

    In any case she’s lucky to have you as a friend
    Cos you stood up for her till the end

    (and I am really glad that you did not trip on her body hair and cut yourself)

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  7. Very clever!

    Better than any present you could buy.

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  8. You are an ever older troll

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  9. Oh my goodness Anonymous, fancy seeing you here. Good to see you're feeling so good about yourself so you're trying to pull everyone else down. Go back under your bridge. Or even better - build one.

    Great poem. x

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  10. That's Ms Troll to you, Anonymous.

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  11. You are indeed a troll! If you believe that I would call you a troll. I was refering to an old yeast infection. I suffer from it and it feels like living with a troll

    You are beautiful and thrush free.

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  12. LOL. Thank you Anonymous. I am indeed thrush free, and I am saddened that you are not.
    I wish you and your nether regions every joy and good health.
    x

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  13. Oh my goodness Anonymous, fancy seeing you here. Good to see you're feeling so good about yourself so you're trying to pull everyone else down. Go back under your bridge. Or even better - build one.

    Great poem. x

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  14. Happy to have inspired you with the rhymes
    Have often been credited with bigger crimes

    Tho your friend may not twitter
    On your blog, I’m sure she will flitter

    And when she sees how the public raves
    Perhaps she’ll become one of waxing’s slaves

    In any case she’s lucky to have you as a friend
    Cos you stood up for her till the end

    (and I am really glad that you did not trip on her body hair and cut yourself)

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  15. Wow that was hilarious LOL What a friend! hahaaa... and ur quite the rhymer. I saw a clip on youtube ur friends made for u???

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