April 17, 2014

10 (New) Plagues

Here's a rare Biblical reference for you:

In Exodus, Pharoah refused to let the Israelites out of Egypt. So God came down on him really hard, with a series of 10 plagues intended to change his mind.

They were pretty awful. Blood, frogs, lice, flies, diseased livestock, boils, hail, locusts, darkness... and then, when all that failed, death of the firstborn.

Of course it's a parable. It has to be. I mean, if God was omnipotent, he'd just let the Israelites out of Egypt himself. Or, you know, kill Pharoah.

But it's a good story. However, it's one that needs updating. Frogs, lice and boils? Come on. These are hardly disasters in this day and age.

No, I think we need new plagues, ones that would devastate Pharoahs of the modern era.

The Sixth Plague - EARWORM

And I have some suggestions:

  1. Bad hair day EVERYDAY. What Pharoah could cope with having crap hair every single day of his life? It would destroy his confidence and hence his leadership.
  2. Paper cut. Small but devastating.
  3. Itchy bum. More maddening than lice, itchy bum also causes embarrassing public displays of bottom touching, which would completely undermine Pharoah's authority.
  4. No coffee. All God would have to do is destroy coffee supplies around the world and Pharoah would collapse in a pathetic heap of despair.
  5. Insomnia. The absolute worst. No elaboration required.
  6. Earworm. Just get Gangnum Style stuck in Pharoah's head for days at a time. He'll cave. No question about it.
  7. No Mobile Reception. A Pharoah can't lead if he can't communicate. He's going DOWN.
  8. Advertorials. No TV programs, just endless loops of AbToneFit promos and offers of saucepan sets with free steak knives!
  9. No Wifi. Pharoah will die of despair on the spot.
  10. Zombie invasion. Just because.


  1. You're right about Earworm. I have Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie on permanent loop in my head and it's not awesome AT ALL! Make it stop!! ARRRGGHHHHHHHH!!

  2. Well, they're all horrible and cruel and I really can't think of which of the 10 would be the worst one!


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