September 2, 2013

Uncool - A Realisation

For the last couple of years I have been struggling with a difficult realisation.

I am uncool.

Now, I may not be uncool in the eyes of the world. Actually, I don't know how I'm viewed in the eyes of the world, and to be honest, I prefer it this way. I don't want to have my coolness status confirmed. This way, I can convince myself I'm, like, totally hip, and be cheerful in my deluded ignorance.

But I am profoundly uncool in the eyes of my children, and this saddens me quite deeply. I had always intended to be a super cool mum. My own mum was pretty cool, and I wanted to beat her at her own game. I wanted to be the kind of mum my children were proud of. The kind of mum they were proud to show their friends. The kind of mum they would want to take out clubbing. (Okay, maybe not that cool. That's kind of creepy.)

I did not write this text. But totes could have.

Instead, however, the opposite is true. My children see me as mortifying bordering on the tragic. I am banned from speaking in front of my 14 year old's friends due to general embarrassment, and am regularly chastised by my daughter for everything from dancing, to being naked, to trying to speak in rap (or, er, all three at once).

Despite my loftiest intentions, I am shockingly uncool.

I don't understand why I am such an abject failure. I have all of the outward trappings of cool. I wear jeans and cargo pants. I have tattoos, but not too many. I once had three earrings in the one ear (until, er, they all became infected). I like hip hop and The Big Bang Theory and Coke Zero and Matt Damon. I do cool things like meet famous people and go on TV and write books. And I do social media, for god sake. There is nothing cooler than social media! What on earth do my children want?

Well, they want me to stop singing and dancing, for a start, because I am 'useless' and it is 'horrible'. They wish me to stop telling jokes, because I'm not funny and it's just lame. They want me to never be naked, because that is just scary. They don't want me to swear, because swearing is rude. And they don't want me to talk about sex or puberty or any of the things that cool parents discuss with their kids. And I've dreamed of these conversations all my life, so who the hell can I possibly have them with now?

Still, being uncool is just something I have to get used to, like having wrinkles, and the fact that Simon Baker will never love me. And I'll be okay with it, eventually. I really will. Being cool isn't the most important part of parenting. It's about love, and communication, and honesty, and trust.

And besides, one day, I am going to be the coolest grandparent IN THE WORLD. And my uncool-parent children are going to be jealous as hell.

37 comments:

  1. I kind of feel the opposite, but maybe that's because I don't have kids of my own...


    I work in a creche - otherwise known as a research & development laboratory for a large multinational technology company - and I feel way cooler than my Gen-Y co-workers. I listen to cooler music than they do, I read cooler books, I watch cooler TV... they feel so much more conservative and boring than I was when I was their age.


    Of course, they don't see this - I'm the creepy old man who keeps to himself and writes the documentation - but I know I'm right. They may not realise it, but I know I'm way cooler than they are! ;)

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  2. Have you tried interpretive dance on them yet? Surely THAT has some social cachet for that age bracket? I will leave you to give it a go and then report back xx

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  3. Okay - so being a touch uncool and having ( one or two) wrinkles may be inevitable but don't give up on your Simon Baker dream!

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  4. John, thank you for the creche comment. Might have to use it when I refer to Recruitment Agencies.

    All 'professional' consultants are 19-21 and they use phrases like 'it's not cool to diss' . Some still adorn outfits they wore to the pub/bar the night before. Just love the stale smell of alcohol and cigarets :-)

    Some tell me that I have an accent (of course they don't since they all travel from the land that exiled people some 200 years ago). A few have told me that I'm as old as their mum.

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  5. My father listened to particularly uncool, "easy listening" radio stations & bought records like Herb Alpert & Burt Bacharach's Greatest Hits, recorded by a bunch of no-name session musicians! I was determined to be cooler, eschewing radio & fuddy duddy collections for my eclectic, but musically with-it selection of LPs, CDs & latterly MP3s. However, when my son sings songs that he's heard in the school playground, if I comment on them, he retorts, Dad, it's 21st century music; your music is 1st century! Clearly, like father, like son, I'm uncool :(

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  6. My oldest is three, so I'm at the stage where everything you've described above - the dancing, rapping, even being naked - is cool, fun, funny and just everything they want to see. Aaaargh, it won't last. Aaaargh.

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  7. My kids are still little, my eldest is five so she still thinks I am cool. At the moment we listen to Pink together and she seems to think that is cool. But I know it won't last.

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  8. As a life long tragic nerd girl from Hell, I can say the only thing you can do when you are totally uncool is to embrace it and go with it. I'll never be cool to anyone, least of all my kids and I'm okay with that.

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  9. There's a problem with liking Herb Alpert and Burt Bacharach? Nobody sent me that memo. I also love The Carpenters obsessively. So ner.
    PS. You see what I mean, Kerri? I just have to go with it.

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  10. Herb Alpert, Burt Bacharach and The Carpenters in their original form, perhaps. But not when it's a bunch of session musicians recording their hits for a K-Tel collection! ;)

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  11. Well, I'll tell you something ironic. I am not cool. My mother was not cool. Even as a teenager I was not cool despite spending hours trying to like cool music when I really only liked the Seekers and musical comedies. I am not a cool Mum (even though I wear jeans) but my kids have always thought I'm cool because I was using computers and social media way before anyone else. So maybe you have to be a little less cool so they'll think you're cooler!

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  12. I'm not cool, and frankly, I don't give flying fark. Kerri, I think you're cool, but then I'm often told my judgment is iffy.... ;-D

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  13. It's a sad fact that as parents we lose our "cool" when the kids grow up. (See the slip-up there... do you, huh, huh, . Ahem, decorem please!! Ok, THAt moment has passed. DD was SOOOOOO jealous that DH & were so cool her friends would lie on our bed watching telly when she had sleepovers. (She was in her teens). DS's friends were suitably impressed that DH & rode a motor bike. "Wow, your folks are cool!!". (DS was also in his teens) lol. They stopped inviting friends over. My cool became cold. DD is now in her mid 20's (Oh good grief... how DID she get that old...) and holds my hand when we go shopping & DS has finally accepted that he doesn't need to walk 3 feet behind me. Maybe, my cool has come back. Maybe "cool" is just a state of time or fashion. Who knows? Better yet, who cares!!

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  14. The thing that stands out like a beacon from all of the posts here is that it is all about THEM (the kids) and not YOU. It doesn't matter what you do or how you go about it, if THEY decide you are not cool, then nothing you do can change their opinion. So I say just do your own thing - dance naked on the roof if you want to; drink 4 bottles of wine in one session; sing your heart out. You can't MAKE them think you are cool so don't bother trying.

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  15. And vice versa. But what the fuck would I know???

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  16. No. It won't. (But if it does can you tell me the secret???)

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  17. I was cool once... when my kids were three.....

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  18. You know, I was saving it up for their 21st's, but hey, no time like the present!

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  19. LOL. Of course you are, JJ. Of COURSE you are *coughs/splutters/snorts tea*

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  20. "It's not cool to diss"?? Oh dear god...

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  21. It's not all lost Kerri. I was super uncool for a long time but now that my kids are 20 somethings, I suddenly have some of my coolness back. They almost like some of the things I do and there are almost moments of proud coming from them until I go and do something uncool like tell a really bad joke or do an impersonation ... but they actually come and hang around me with their friends and tell their friends to come and talk to me because, wait for it ... "I'm a cool mum and I understand their stuff". True.

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  22. From the daughter of a Mother who wanted to be a cool friend. I needed a Mother. Seems you are doing a great job xo

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  23. My mummy thinks I'm cool!... of course, she's been gone a few years now... but I'm sure that still counts... (work with me, Sackville... if I can be cool, so can you!)

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  24. I think you're pretty cool! Does that count? And I'm not even going to ask my kids if I'm cool or not. Cause I so AM!

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  25. I think cool is overrated. After standing at the front of a class of teenagers for 20 years and being corrected, laughed at, back-chatted and occasionally jeered at - I've realised that cool is an illusion. True cool is not caring if you're cool or not. So keep dancing, singing and wearing cargo pants -sounds pretty cool to me! :)

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  26. I'm the opposite! I'd rather be uncool! It's so much less pressure. I'm failing, mind you, my stepdaughter thinks I'm the shit and has informed me I could never embarrass her, ever... So I responded by licking her face in public.

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  27. Thank god your back! I was waiting on the 'to be continued' (part 3) of your trip to Lilianfels and got quite concernced when you didn't appear. :-) COOL? my four year old is at that wonderful age when I am very cool - he even said he wants me to live forever so we can be together and get married! Which I will endeavour to do (live forever that is!). LOL

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