July 22, 2013

Real Life Techniques to Psychologically Damage Your Kids

These techniques are real. And they work. I know.
I have done all of them.

  1. Forget to take off your mascara before bed. Forget to look in the mirror when you wake up in the morning. Spend an hour with the kids at breakfast time looking like Scary Undead Zombie Mother from the Black Lagoon.
  2. As above, but only this time one of your kids has a friend over to visit before you've had a shower. This one combines fear with mortification. VERY effective.
  3. Call out to your daughter "Darling, I'm stuck on the loo, can you bring me some toilet paper???" when she is on a Skype call to her best friend who can hear every word. (When your daughter's friend says "Your mum is really embarrassing", you know you've succeeded.
  4. Stroll naked behind your daughter when she is on a video Skype call to her best friend. This scars both your child and her friend at the same time.
  5. Be completely inappropriate at a celebrity sighting. For some reason, kids find the sight of their mother running towards Joel Madden screaming "Oh my god I love you!" super traumatic.
  6. Murmuring "GOD I'd love to do him," in front of your kids* whilst watching said celebrity on The Voice.
  7. Singing along to pretty much any contemporary song in the car in front of your kids and their friends. Add some Gangsta hand dancing for extra negative impact. 
  8. Dancing. Anywhere.
  9. Kissing the kids in public. Add a passionate "I love you baby girl/boy" and they will take days to recover.
  10. Swearing. Your kids may love to swear themselves, but hearing you swear is intensely traumatic. One little 'F' word and suddenly you're living with the morality police.
*To clarify: You can murmur in front of the kids. You most definitely do not want to do Joel Madden in front of the kids. That is taking things way too far.

So what has worked for you?? What have you done to psychologically damage your children??? Let me know so I can try!


  1. I find that calling their names very loudly and then blowing them kisses from the car window at school drop off is very effective. Specially when you're dropping them off at High School!!

  2. Catherine RodieBlaggJuly 22, 2013 at 9:38 AM

    My kids are still at the age where they think me busting out dance moves in public is hilarious. It's good practice for the future though. The mascara thing can also work on an entire pool if you forget you put it on before taking a 2yo swimming.

  3. Thank you for these. I'm already pretty good at 1, 9 and 10, but must try harder with the rest. Love ya!

  4. I used to congratulate myself on how well I did at embarrassing our daughters but now at 19 and 20 they tell me even though I did embarrass them A LOT they thought I was a pretty cool mum! Although there was the occasion only last year at the local pub when the mums had more to drink than the teenagers and were singing really loudly on the band's microphone. They all still talk and cringe about that one!

  5. I find loud raucous laughter in public, finished off with a long snort, is effective in making even the cockiest know it all teenage boy shrivel in a heap.

  6. I don't know if this qualifies, but even though at one point my son would volunteer me for activities with his class (up until 6th grade) - when he was in high school, I was president of his marching band and was often in the school working with the music teacher. One day he told me (only half in jest), "I can't even go to school to get away from you!"

  7. Oooh, that's a VERY good display of mortification. Well done you!

  8. AH! Of course. The POOL! Thank you.

  9. Wait until you've walked in on your teenage son...umm...polishing his sword, and reacted rather loudly, possibly so the whole street heard.
    And had to physically manhandle your teenage daughter's bare boobs to teach her how to 'arrange' them appropriately in a strapless dress, while saying 'sorry little tits' over and over.
    Yes, I'm leaving them a sizeable sum for their future therapy.

  10. I LOVE this. Kissing the child, saying I love you to him, or kissing my partner in front of him. That's all so far. He's only 8 and most of the embarrassment is the other way around. His burping, farting, talking about poo etc loudly in public places. Usually restaurants. Sigh.

  11. I laughed all the way through this post Kerri - hilarious - so full of visual imagery! I've done many cringing things to embarrass my kids (some on your list) but they are so easily embarrassed! One of my latest misdemeanours was to pick up my daughter from Youth Group wearing pyjamas, then get pulled up by the police on the way home...she was mortified :)

  12. Love to sing along and start dancing when I am in a boutique dress shopping with my daughter LOL Cheers Yolanda

  13. I wana do Joel Madden!!! I dance and sings and all that. My kids just think it's normal and join in.

  14. I voice Mario sound effects when he is least expecting it (and in public).
    He has now shifted his hyperfocus to minecraft so it's always inappropriate and super embarrassing. YESSS!

  15. Oh Kerri I really needed a laugh today. Thank you! As for what I've done? I'm the perfect mother of course! (That says it all really)

  16. I think that talking about them as if they're not there is the most effective. And it's so easy to do!


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