Now, the obvious conclusion to reach is that I am pregnant. And when I am pregnant I do crave strange foods. When I was pregnant with my son I bought so many spinach and feta pastries from the local baker every day (three to four, to be precise) that I became too
However, I am certain I am not pregnant. This is because:
- My kitchen has been surgically closed;
- I am not nauseous and dizzy and weeping for no reason at all;
- See number 1.
Yes, once gain PMS rears up its ugly head. It happens all the time. Once a month, actually. Every. Single. Bloody. Month.
I don't need to keep a chart of my menstrual cycle because I know exactly where I am based on the foods I am craving. Early in my cycle I eat my normal, boring diet. When I am ovulating I become quite extraordinarily hungry, and need about seventeen meals a day (at least three of which are based on chocolate). Clearly, my body is preparing for a potential baby by packing in enough energy in three days to last me nine months. Clearly, my body is stupid.
Mmmm.... DINNER |
And then I hit PMS, and I head down to the salt mines. Oh yes. Salt salt salt salt. I eat stock cubes and drink cup-a-soup and eat Vegemite with a spoon. I chomp on Feta and swallow olives and ask for extra anchovies in my salad. And I get fluid retention and grumpy as hell and turn to alcohol to ease the pain.
You'd be in pain too if you'd been eating stock cubes.
So next time you are grumpy with PMS and cursing your hormonal surges, spare a thought for me. I am sitting at my kitchen bench eating stock cubes washed down with gin and tonic. It ain't pretty.
What does PMS look like for you?
PMS looks pretty ugly to me. Not stock cube ugly but wanting to hit people ugly.
ReplyDeleteDo you have celtic sea salt instead of 'normal' salt on your food? I found it made a huge difference.
ReplyDeleteMy PMS is very mild, I need chocolate for a day and get a little snippy BUT when I ovulate I turn into a carb craving, crazy, psycho, head spinning Linda Blair style bitch for about 3 days. I've come to believe this is my subconscious creating a natural contraception. There's no way any one is getting a smile out of me, never mind some loving. This didn't happen until I had 3 children. My subconscious is so wise.
ReplyDeleteOvulation is figity energy. PMS is not a nice place to be. I throw chocolate at the beast in an attempt to sooth it. But it does not work. Even large quantities, whole block of dark chocolate, gone in one two hour session, two litre of icecream, followed by a whole tin of milo. Now that is one hard craving to swallow, mouth becomes so dry you end up frothy chocolate. But still the PMS beast wants more. I also have two sizes of clothing, PMS bloat takes my waist up and out until I am looking like I am about three months along
ReplyDeleteHe he, sound like a great combination ... I started menopause early and thought it would have some benefits BUT think again you still get bloated, hungry and emotional, but there is no cleansing of the body. Well, I suppose that is some benefit.
ReplyDeleteMy PMS looks for the tissues and the doona! I just curl up under their and cry my eyes out.
ReplyDeleteIf anything I don't eat.
Did you throw up after the Massel stock cube?
Stock cube? Dearly me Kerri. Deary me! I crave chocolate, but not sure if it's PMS related - unless I have PMS all the time (which my husband would probably agree with!)
ReplyDeleteMy family move out for 2 weeks.
ReplyDeleteWell, they wish they could. I become a snarling horrible beast with irrational responses to everything. And I start to eat chocolate, which I never do at any other time.
xxxx
Once a month stock the house with chocolate and gin, throw away the stock cubes and hope for the best! It works for me!
ReplyDeletePMS is the monster that moves into my body once a month. Think Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost.
ReplyDeleteGoodness - a whole stock cube, you must've been suffering bad PMS! I once nibbled the corner and that was enough...my cravings are more conventional, all centring around sugar, fat and alcohol :)
ReplyDeleteI crave Taco Bell when I am PMS'ing and regret eating it every single time! I also sweat a whole lot, get random cranky spells and headaches. Fun stuff :-)
ReplyDeleteI know. I've seen it.
ReplyDeleteNo! Does it come from the supermarket?
ReplyDeleteThat's hilarious. GREAT theory.
ReplyDeleteYES! I know the frothy milo mouth!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of craving menopause right now.....
ReplyDeleteNo! I ate the whole thing and wanted more!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's AMS. All month syndrome. x
ReplyDeleteHow can you not eat chocolate ALL THE TIME?
ReplyDeleteLOL. Will take your advice!
ReplyDeleteHA! Brilliant image.
ReplyDeleteOh I love sugar, fat and alcohol too....
ReplyDeleteUs poor women, huh? x
ReplyDeleteKerri, you are hilarious. I am a bastion of the salt-ship too. Geez, I needed a good laugh and this blog post provided me with exactly that.
ReplyDeleteI've been sitting here thinking, gosh, I do that...... I do that too! Thank you for your witticisms, so glad I took the time to read your stuff. Looking forward to the ongoing commentary.
I ate a stock cube too. I love the taste. I can't help it.
ReplyDelete