November 24, 2012

Flight From Hell. With Cartoon.


I was flying to Melbourne at 1.30pm. I took the kids to school then lingered with the four year old at pre-school. By the time I got home it was 9.45am. I decided to print out my itinerary before starting to pack my bags.

I pulled my itinerary up on screen, and nearly vomited on my keyboard.

The flight was at 10.55am. I needed to be at the airport within forty minutes. It was at least a half hour drive.

OH MY GOD. I began shaking. I picked up the phone to call a cab but a) couldn’t remember the number of the taxi service, and b) couldn’t remember how to use a phone. 

After a couple of precious, wasted minutes I retrieved my brain, dialled the number, booked the cab, and frantically threw some items in a suitcase. Not, sadly, any pyjamas, or toothpaste, or indeed a top to wear the next day, but ‘items’ nonetheless.

The cab arrived within minutes and I jumped inside, trying to control my breathing.

“What time do you need to be at the airport?” the driver asked.

“10.25am,” I answered him. “If I’m not there by then I won’t be able to check in.”

The driver looked worried. I began to sweat.

We arrived at the airport at 10.20am. I had five minutes to spare. I punched the air with relief and went to the automatic check-in.

YOU CANNOT GET ON THE PLANE it told me (or words to that effect, I began hyperventilating at that point).

“WHY???” I asked it, nearly sobbing.

BECAUSE I AM CRUEL AND WISH TO MAKE YOU SUFFER it said. (I may be making this part up.)

I went to the counter, sobbing for real now.

“I can’t check in,” I told the lady. She looked kind and I knew she would help me.

“That’s because you’re late,” she said coldly. I realised she was an evil ice queen and my tears turned to hatred.

“But I’m on time,” I said. “The flight is at 10.55!”

“It was changed to 10.50,” she told me. “The notification was sent to the person who booked the flight.”

“But that wasn’t me!” I cried.

“That’s protocol,” said the Ice Queen. She made my tears run cold.

I paid $100 and got on the next flight, a mere ninety-minutes of mindless hell later. I bought myself an egg sandwich to eat on board, and killed time by reading about celebrity cellulite.

We boarded the plane, and I began eating my sandwich, only to choke on it about four bites in. I tried to cough it up but my eyes started watering and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dying! I was dying!

Artist's (pretty accurate except for Spongebob) impression of me
I looked around desperately. The two young men to my left studiously ignored the crazy, middle aged choking woman. The two women to my right were pointedly staring out the window. God forbid they should notice the passenger expiring in the seat across the aisle.

So I got out of my seat and ran up to the front of the plane, shouting “Hit me! Hit me!” to the flight attendants.

They did, and I survived. I also scored the entire front row all to myself. Extra leg room and all. I think the crew wanted to keep me away from the other passengers.

Air travel is so tiresome.

38 comments:

  1. That awkward moment that you can't remember 6 simple digits, or any digits for that matter. High five to the prompt taxi driver though! And turn that high five to a bitch slap for Ice Queen and Ignorant Passengers. To die on a plane but NOT from a plane crash... what a way to go! Those bastards would have had to fly next to a dead body for the rest of the trip. Karma baby.

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  2. Ouch, you poor luv! You'd think they'd cut you some slack for a whole five bloody minutes! And to think no one was coming to rescue you mid choke - may karma bite them all badly on the bum x

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  3. I'm waiting for part 2: did going topless the following day score you another row to yourself on the way home???

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    1. That's gold! Now I'm waiting for part 2 as well!

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  4. And here I was thinking air travel without kids would be less stressful. Hope your trip improves. x

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  5. I'm having a panic/anxiety attack just reading this! But I might try your egg sandwich trick., if you'd allow me to do so. You haven't patented it yet, have you? I hope not!

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  6. You didn't pack your bag and check the itinerary and flight the night before??
    In these days of constant change (hello TV programs) it's a wise move to check in on things early and then again. next time perhaps make your own booking so you get notification of changed times at least. Hooray for speedy taxi drivers!

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  7. I am long home. And made the return flight with time to spare!

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  8. It's yours! But don't try it alone at home....

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  9. LOL. No, I did not. I am a failure as a human being. And the taxi driver was speedy - but not speedy enough!

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  10. I am very upset that the other passengers did not at least try the Heimlich manouevre. Perhaps they were confused by the words "hit me" but still...

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  11. Oh I am out of breath just reading this. Life on the edge. Right there x

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  12. Oh my goodness. I sympathise about the ice queen from hell. I had one once try to tell me that they wouldn't put our luggage on the flight to Sydney, because we were late. We were an hour early, but they'd cancelled the last flight of the night and put us on an earlier flight - without telling us. They put it on in the end. That time I out iced-queened the ice queen. Hell hath no fury like a woman on the moral high ground, apparently!

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  13. I'm telling you, it is a miracle I survived that flight. The egg VERY nearly won x

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  14. YOU GO ICE-QUEEN!!! Spew forth cubes of frozen water! (sorry, crap metaphor... I'm drinking...) x

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  15. I was spewing something, let me tell you! Funnily enough, if it had been just me, I might not have prevailed. But I was host for some visiting colleagues and a couple were younger than me and were upset and my latent mother instincts kicked in. The woman at the desk was only a trainee ice queen and she was no match for the ice mother-goddess. In other news, so you should be drinking! You survived the fairy five-year olds! Break out the good beer Hans, it's celebration time!

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  16. Good Lord! Reading this made me feel anxious and have a good laugh. Can relate to ice queen after being a minute late for a flight. A minute for Petes sake! The egg sandwhich thing though, that's all yours. Although I do have a fatty piece of lamb story...

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  17. Kerri, I am sure I have met that ice queen. On many occasions. What a terrible feeling to realise your flight was much earlier! I am always so paranoid about that! Glad you got out alive. xx

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  18. I know exactly that feeling, but I think you were lucky to get on the next flight and only pay 100 dollars. I arrived at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris 55 minutes before the plane took off to Chennai in India and they had already given my seat to someone else. I would have got there in time had they given me the right terminal to start off with. CdG is big. There wasn't another flight for 2 days and it cost 200 euros extra. I was sobbing by then too! I thus arrived late for a one-week teaching assignment and had to work the next Saturday to make up for it! No time to recover from jet lag. No time to visit Pondicherry. Now, I am obsessive about getting there early.

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  19. Did you at least get to go on a shopping spree when you got to Melbourne to buy all the things you didn't actually pack? Retail therapy should not be under estimated.

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  20. Um Kerri, would you care to name the airline, so we can all avoid it ? Just whisper in my ear. I won't bad mouth them, MUCH !..... ;-)

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  21. Hell.on.wheels (wings). So sorry to hear you experienced all this stress!

    LOL, despite being a frequent pan-Pacific traveller, my most recent trip from Australia back to Canada (after 6 weeks with the rellies) I mis-read the arrival date and forgot that we went BACK (yes, BACK, DUMB_ARSE) across the international date line so I planned our pickup at the airport for A DAY LATE. There I was during our layover at LAX on the mobile, racking up the roaming minutes with the shuttle company from Airport to home to change the booking back a day, friend to pick us up from shuttle depot and drive home, dog kennel who were delivering pup back home, etc. That was a fun-filled time at LAX. I hated me.

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  22. Thank you! Me too! And may the Ice Queen be struck by Karma... x

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  23. Oh GOD what a traumatic story! You poor thing!!! x

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  24. I would never do that. But it rhymed with Pet Bar.

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  25. Oh lord. That SUCKS. I feel for you!!!!! And feel slightly better for me..... x

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  26. Oh, you mean JETSTAR ! Crap airline. Would never fly with an airline, who had an orange uniform.....

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  27. Oh. Dear. If it's any consolation, you just made me laugh! I hope the rest of the day only got better.

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  28. Oh I'm sorry but I just can't stop laughing! I see your distress but I've just got laughter! Hope the return flight is much much better x

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  29. Bloody hell! That was all a bit brutal. Although I might try choking on an international flight if it gets me more leg room. Glad you're not dead!

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  30. oh you poor thing. That must of been horrible. But i can't help but laugh myself silly, to the point of tears. I am so sorry. I hope it was a better trip home.xx

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