No, the mess is not of the tangible kind. It's an abstract mess. It is mess of the mind.
Everything feels wrong today. Everything feels scary. Everything feels like it's tenuous and on edge. I'm worried about everything, even things I wasn't worried about yesterday. Every fibre of my being is buzzing with stress and my head feels as muddled as a milkshake. And I know the feeling well, because I've lived with it forever.
It's a bout of anxiety.
So familiar am I with anxiety that I've written my next book about it. Ironically, though, I've been doing well since I finished writing, and was worried (yes, 'worried') that I wouldn't be sufficiently in touch with my anxiety to talk about it in a couple of months during interviews.
Well, I guess it turns out I was wrong.
It's come back, with a vengeance, just when things are going really well. I have a new column. I'm going to London next week. My kids are healthy and happy. We have potloads of money (okay, so teaspoons, but things will pick up).
And yet I'm running around in circles, my mind is spinning on it's axis, I'm cleaning cupboards when I'm supposed to be working, and eating chocolate when I'm supposed to be sleeping, and thinking up worst case scenarios with every breath.
It will pass, I know. Maybe by the time you read this, the anxiety will have eased. And maybe by the time I really do have to publicise my book, I won't remember this feeling.
But for now, anyway, that's the one thing I'm not going to worry about.
I love the way you have described these feelings. It's very easy to be swept away by the anxiety but I love to hear that you know it will pass - and it will. Everything is as it should be xx
ReplyDeleteOh Kerri I know exactly how you are/were feeling. You've just described my week last week. I honestly don't know where it comes from, just like a very unwelcome surprise out of the blue. And then it just ups and leaves. I worry about passing my worries on to my children, I think they've escaped, so far. I worry, I worry, I worry. I tried some deep breathing exercises last week and they helped, but you can't do them all day, people would be quite concerned if I did them in public!! Thank you for your post Kerri.
ReplyDeleteKerri as an anxiety sufferer I know these feeling all to well. It's hard when people say "what have you got to worry about" the truth is probably nothing but my mind can think of a million possible things that could go wrong. On bad days I fear picking up the phone as I convince myself bad news is on the other line! Thanks for sharing, looking forward to your book xx
ReplyDeleteOh hon. As a long-term anxiety sufferer I have had more of those days than I care to remember. I hide it (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) with sarcasm, loud laughter and wine. It sucks hairy dogballs. x
ReplyDeleteI love you, K-Sack.
ReplyDeleteMe too .. and it's so ingrained that I can sometimes go days without realising I am a BALL OF FEAR.
Cannot wait for your book.
xxxx
You are so brave and wonderful for sharing this, and for writing your book. Anxiety affects so many and people underestimate how debilitating it can be.
ReplyDeleteWe need to destigmatise anxiety (and depression) so that more people seek the treatment they need.
Hope you are feeling better soon. xxx
I know this feeling well - it and I shared an entire night browsing etsy on Monday (until 6am Tuesday when I finally crashed out)... I think it's something more and more people are living with these days - lots of people will probably buy your book, yay! Anxiety is terrible in it's unpredictability. It can happen at any time, and you never know how long it might last. I hope your latest bout is already gone.
ReplyDeleteI DO know this feeling Kerri and it kn0ws me as well. Quite well. Calm and relax. xx
ReplyDeleteI do know the feeling Kerri. I have been plagues with it most of my life and now know it was a big reason for my physical problems. I have been feeling that way recently. Though not as bad as i used to be, we are all works in progress! I'm sure you are indeed feeling better by now. I certainly hope so. I don't think you will ever forget what it feels like and therefore you will be able to speak about it extremely well. I guess in a way that is unfortunate. But if anyone can educate people about anxiety and make them laugh while doing it it is you!
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful, brave woman. I hope you're ready for the floods of emails confiding in you and thanking you for bringing this out in the open.
ReplyDeleteI have a broken adrenal system- which randomly brings on various physical anxiety symptoms whenever my load is high, though in my head I feel okish, it's still very uncomfortable. Pretty similar predicament. It sucks. xxx
You will help so many people deal with their anxiety and I thankyou for this.I am so sorry you have to go through it to achieve this though.I too get anxiety and felt alone until I found you and others on here.So many people dont understand and say just breath, it is all in your head, so then I feel afraid to admit it to them again.I wish you well as you deserve it.Bless your sweet heart for opening up and letting us in x
ReplyDeleteI have terrible anxiety and am on medication. I've always been painfully shy and quiet and also have Aspergers Syndrome. I feel like an alien most of the time. I've always had the dodgy believe that if I'd just had the good fortune to be born outgoing (like my brother who is so opposite of me) I wouldn't have had these problems and life would be easier... I guess I somehow think that outgoing people don't have anxiety, especially the social anxiety kind.. so I guess I am wrong about that...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just wanted to say I really enjoyed your first book and am looking forward to the new one. Thanks.
Oh, hon. It will pass, but yeah, it feels crap while it lasts. I find cleaning helps. Deep breaths, and just remember that this time next week you will be a celebrated author in Britain who has no children to clean up after and gets to go shopping between TV appaerances. The rest of us will be starting our tax returns. Hang in there! xxx
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for your book. I hate anxiety. It steals from today and makes no difference to tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good woman KSack. One of the best.
Loves you x
I had my first day of feeling like I'll be okay yesterday after recently becoming a single mumma. And then hey presto the anxiety monster (we know each other too well...) came back with a vengeance today.
ReplyDeleteYour post couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.
It was very comforting to read. Thank you for your honesty - it makes me feel 'normal'...
Honey, I hope that horror has diminished now. I too suffer anxiety and depression for no good reason. I'm very excited about your new book and hopefully THIS time a Melbourne book signing where I will feel brave enough to come introduce myself. x
ReplyDeleteP.S. You and I and Lily Brett could be triplets separated at birth.
Debbie B.
Kerri, I don't know if this helps, but it seems a lot of anxiety people feel, is centred around "Am I good enough" , or "Can I make this work", or "Do I deserve every thing I have ". Damn right, you do. Believe in yourself. We all love you, and are here for you...... :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you Kerri. This week my anxiety has been pretty up there!!! I'm trying to juggle everything now that I'm back at uni. Work, writing, studying, trying to stay active and not have a mental break down. But I know things will get better. I'm really looking forward to your next book :)
ReplyDeleteKerri - your summary of a bout of anxiety was exactly how I feel today - muddled as a milkshake. What I want to figure out is how does it start? Why do I wake up some days ready to move mountains and other days I want to hide under the covers all day. Anxiety is so tiring and debilitating. I HATE IT...
ReplyDeleteOn a brighter note, I hope you are taking London by storm and I can't wait for your next book.
Maybe by the time you're reading this your anxiety has passed, but for me to read this today is just so fitting. I am having that day today. The bit I hate the most, you've truly captured in three words, "Everything feels scary". And yet it's also so familiar?
ReplyDeleteSigh. Anxiety sucks.
Hope you're feeling better about the world today.
PS - I can't wait to read your second book! I feel I am going to nod a lot.
My mind is messy all the time. Sometimes it makes me anxious, sometimes it doesn't, either way, I'm too lazy to clean it up.
ReplyDeleteI chuckled that you're anxious about not being anxious enough (chuckled, even though I know is not even remotely funny). I will look forward to your new book, Kerri.
I just came across your blog from 'edenland' and i have to say this mess has visited me on the odd occassion. Funnily enough more so since I have been at home with a child...just that messy muddle in the head that sometimes won't lift. For me doing things like yoga help to settle it down...goodluck with your book sounds like a great read ;-)
ReplyDeleteI know that messy feeling. And it's tough. Hope you're feeling better, Kerrie.
ReplyDeleteI think you are in my head today. Worst part - so much noise in there I can't find space to get my work done. Which just adds to the whole bloody problem.
ReplyDeleteThankyou Kerri. Just wanted to say that you have inspired me to start writing my own blog and even though nobody reads it, this has been good therapy for me lol. So thanks.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for the new book.
I often have days like these and I get so consumed by my feeling of dread I often forget what it was that initially made me feel worried. And then I worry because I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to be worried about...and the spiral continues.
ReplyDelete