"You know what I hate?" asked one friend. (I'll call her Coupon, although clearly there is no-one in the world with such a silly name.) "Those stupid magazine articles which get people to say exactly what they've eaten in a day and then a nutritionist assesses their diet."
I was shocked.
"I love those articles!" I said. "I love hearing about what other people eat! And I love the nutritionist's feedback! It's fascinating!"
Coupon shook her head. (Seriously, what a ridiculous name.)"But they all eat mung beans and drink protein smoothies! I mean, who the hell eats mung beans or protein smoothies? They have to be lying. They're scared of getting in trouble with the nutritionist!"
Well, I couldn't argue with that. I, for one, hate mung beans, and the only smoothies I enjoy come with ice cream and chocolate and a swirl of cream on top. And if I don't eat them, surely no-one else would, either. They must, indeed, be lying.
So in the spirit of journalistic integrity, I decided to do my own 'What I Ate' column, including a full critique by a nutritionist.
Because someone out there has to tell the truth.
Oh, except that I don't have a nutritionist. So the critique may just have to be from me.
7.30am - I ate an orange (because I like them) and a piece of toast with vegemite. Okay, toast with peanut butter. Crunchy!
8.00am - Boo didn't finish her vegemite toast, so I ate that too. With, er, some extra peanut butter on the top. Crunchy!
9.15am - Grabbed a cappuccino during Boo's swimming lesson. A skim cappuccino. Possibly with sugar. Just one sugar, though. Or maybe two.
11.00am - At a playcentre for a birthday party and starving. (Drinking coffee makes me hungry.) There was no adult food available so I was forced to steal a slice of pizza from the kids' table. This slice was so fantastically good that I was forced to steal another. And then eat Boo's leftovers, too.
4.00pm - Home. Decided I needed something healthy so I ate the remainder of last night's green salad. It was a little limp.
5.00pm - Drinks with friends. I had water. And, er, a gin and tonic. And, er, a glass of Cab Sav.
6.00pm - We were hungry. Ate a selection of breads and dips, and several tasty pieces of something fried. Crunchy!
10pm - Home in bed. Drank a soothing cup of tea. Okay, it wasn't tea. It was a cream of chicken cup-a-soup. I just love those delicious noodles!
Nutritionist's critique:
What can I say? I love those delicious noodles too! Well done, Kerri. You did good.
I am a secret food diary reader too...I would hate them to see some of my days which involve salt and vinegar rice crackers, coffee and a banana to round things off. I purposely only cook the kids what I like because I know Im going to eat it anyways.
ReplyDeleteI've never been a food diary reader, although I have wondered if I started one, would I be more likely to eat healthy so I don't have to lie to it.
ReplyDeleteWho has time & energy to write down what they eat? Everyone has a name for what kind of way they eat. You could name your diet the "Get Food Where You Can" diet.
ReplyDeleteClearly that Coupon is all kinds of smart. And I want the number of your nutritionist.
ReplyDeleteI too love reading those Food Diaries then get depressed by all their healthy eating, which just gets worse when I read the nutritionists comments saying how they must add more healthy options. If it's true I'm seriously screwed! :) So, I much prefer reading your food diary a's I sit here scoffing my deep pan pizza.
ReplyDeleteI love those food diaries, although I agree those people lie! The one I really love is that awful "you are what you eat" show from England where she lays out a week's worth of food on the table. Have you ever noticed how uniformly blandly beige and brown the food is? Every now and then I imagine my week's worth of food laid out on a table, most weeks I'm ok, lets just not count these Christmas weeks.
ReplyDeleteYou ate all that, and you're still skinny ? Must be all that chasing around the couch, you and The Architect do.....
ReplyDeleteMy beef is with meal plans/recommendations that say things like "4 or 5 nuts".
ReplyDeleteWho in their right mind can open a packet of nuts (or of anything edible), eat 4 or 5 and put the packet away????
I bet your nutritionist would encourage a 'finish what you start' committed type approach to this.
:-)
These slices look amazing. I wish I could indulge in some delicious pizza, but I have to watch my diet.
ReplyDeleteWhat, no chocolate!? not even a caramello koala or a handful of smarties?
ReplyDeleteI am currently half way through a two week no carb no sugar cleanse (because I despise the word diet). I am starting to miss real food (in other word horribly sugary carby food like DONUTS) and hate salads. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou're right! What a disgraceful omission!
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY agree. No-one eats 4 nuts. It's like putting on one sock. Ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteYou mean him chasing me, and me trying to escape..............
ReplyDeleteI would HATE to see my food laid out. There'd be a hell of a lot of peanut butter....
ReplyDeleteCoupon is very smart, but what a bloody ridiculous name. She should change it by deed poll to something normal. Like 'Al'.
ReplyDeleteMe too! I make rack of lamb and my husband says 'you know I don't like lamb' and I say 'But I do!!!' and eat his.
ReplyDeleteDepends how hard you try to escape, my little Kerriness.......
ReplyDeleteLol, I love your honesty, and why does ALL the tasty food be so "bad" for us?
ReplyDeleteIt seems I have all the forbiden vices... and it is hard to live a whole life resisting temptations ...
I like your blog Barossa Valley Wine Tours - Hahndorf Tours - Adelaide Hills Tours - Adelaide Tours - Murray River Tours - Hahndorf And Barossa Valley Tours With Lunch - Adelaide Sightseeing - Barossa Tours- Kangaroo Island Tours By Enjoyadelaide.
ReplyDelete