October 27, 2011

I Want What She Has

I am 43 years old and I am having a problem with jealousy.

No, I don't have any jealousy issues relating to my husband. The Architect is far too busy to engage in any kind of extra-curricular love life (and besides, he's not all that good at flirting). No, I am jealous of a person I have never even met, who has only been in the country for a few weeks.

So who is this person? Well, to understand, you'll need to know about J and K.
J and I have been friends for nearly 15 years, ever since she married a male friend of mine, the delightful Mr J. We all had our first babies within a couple of months of each other, and our kids have been good buddies for their entire lives.
J, K & L. But where am I?

Then there's K. K and I met around six years ago, when our sons struck up a friendship at school. Our daughters got along beautifully too, as did our husbands, so another family friendship was born.

Interestingly enough, it turned out that J and K had a mutual friend, a bestie, whose name begins with L (and no, I am not making these initials up). L has been a close friend of J and K since preschool, but she's lived overseas for over a decade, and I've never met her, or even been particularly aware of her existence.

Until now.

You see, L has moved back to Australia with her family, and suddenly, she's back on the agenda. J and K are both thrilled to have her back, and talk excitedly of all the good times ahead. And I "must" meet her, they say, once she's settled back into town.

"I'm sure you'll like each other," K told me the other day. "We'll jut take it slowly."

"I hope you two get along," J told me last night. "I think you will, but you never know."

And I'm thinking, okay, no pressure or anything, but what if she doesn't like me? What if we don't get along? What happens to J and K and I then???

And besides, all this talk of L is making me feel just a little left out. "It's just like having my sister back," said J. But... L has been out of the picture for years and years! I've been like a sister, haven't I? What does L give J that I don't?

"The kids are all getting on so beautifully," remarked K, and she's talking about her kids and L's, not mine. But... but... her kids and mine have been such close friends, I can't help but feel a bit slighted. Will there still be room for us in their lives now that the new kids are back in town?

I want to like L, I really truly do, but I can't help feel a tiny bit prejudiced against her. She has two of my best friends, and she's had them for much longer than me, and I know I'm sounding completely juvenile, but I just can't help myself. I'm jealous.

I know that both J and K are likely to read this post. I know that they will both contact me and tell me how much they love me, and that there is room in their lives for both of us. And I will believe them, because I know rationally that there is, and that we all have many friends, and that one precious friend doesn't replace another.

But I also know I really hope L and I like each other. For one thing, you can never have too many friends. For another thing, a foursome sounds like a lot of fun.


  1. Perhaps L is having similar thoughts about you - you see she's been away and you have not. I have a feeling when you do meet you will LOVE each other. How could she not? You are divine x

  2. I can understand your feelings but I'm pretty sure that if your other friends love you AND her, then you're bound to get along! Trust that J and K have exceptional taste in friends - they picked you after all!

  3. Yeah thats a whole lot of pressure!! I'm sure it will be fine though :)

  4. All normal feeling, very normal. But I just recently discovered that authenticity matters and works. So just be authentic and honest. Friendships need honesty to work.

  5. I think you all need to move out of the middle of the alphabet. Personally, I think you need a bestie starting with A... just for example.

  6. Oh the pressure! Just be yourself, I am sure everything will be just fine. Good luck!

  7. When my best friend N moved out of Sydney and away from me, all I heard about was T. I was happy that N had met T and was making new friends but felt jealous of the fact that T was able to see N every day, when I was living so far away. 
    A year or so later we ended up leaving Sydney too and moving to where N was living (best move ever by the way). Turns out...when N told T (and others) that I was moving up...they were all jealous of me! 
    Now of course N, T and I all good friends....just as long as T doesn't spend more time with N than I.   ;)

  8. You are so right. Do you know any? :-) xxxx

  9. In reposnse to Jacki - this is J here and you are right ... K & I have exceptional taste in friends :-)   We will let you know how it all works out once we find time to organsie our foursome (but with kids, work and husbands this could take a while !!)

  10. This very morning at Miss4's kinder drop-off Sam was sobbing inconsoleably to Teacher because he said Lloyd wasn't letting him play. She reminded him gently to 'with his words' let Lloyd know that his feelings are hurt, he needs to play as well or it's not fair.Need I point out that the difference between 43 and 5 is not really 38? xxxxxx

    I think you're wonderful and I'd love to be your friend too :)

  11. I'm with Al - you definitely need to find your friends in the "A" end of town ;)   Seriously, just be yourself, how could she not love you?  It will all work out, though do know how you feel - I get those feelings sometimes too.  It's only natural.   You can always move to Brisbane ... I'm a really nice friend ;)

  12. Gosh, this sounds familiar. I have two very close friends- let's call them J and J (because those are their initials). In the past year I have become utterly enamoured of a new friend, K, who is now just as important to me.  J1 may have been heard to say "I wish you'd shut up about K" and J2 was also observed observing the K necklace that K gave me and asking "so do you like her better than me now?"

    But I love them all. They're all (selfishly) for different bits of me, and they're all smart and funny and kind and the very sort of person I would sleep with if I batted for that team. Why don't you and J and K and L all go out to dinner together and bond over some booze? Worked for me. :)

  13. J, K, K & L - has such a nice ring to it!!
    It goes to show, you can take the girls outta high school, but you can't tkae the high school outta the girls!
    Perfectly natural fears/envious thoughts/stabby ideas!
    Hope it all goes great.
    From an S. :-)

  14. a foursome works!  I had the exact same thing with 2 friends and a 4th coming in, and now 8 years down the track we're as tight as the golden girls (they describe us all far more than sex & the city ever would lol).  so don't worry!!  you're just adding another wonderful person into the mix.  and she's probably having WAY more insecurities about you being there than you are about her.

  15. I've been that friend that comes home after long periods away, only to find my old friends have new friends.  It's happened twice now,   and if I am perfectly honest, it's not great, although it should be a good thing.  

    We'll move back home again at the end of next year and I absolutely expect it will happen again.  And having been through it twice before, this time will be fine.  It's the price we pay for living in different places I'm afraid.  

  16. ohh the friendship triangles which i have certainly experienced as well :) Maybe we should all have more then a one bestie and have a few more :)

  17. Why does no one have a friend called E.  Won't someone think of all the poor E friends out there waiting to be talked about as my friend E!!!!!


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