July 24, 2011

An Australian Girl In America: Days 1 & 2

So we arrived at our hotel in LA at 10am (3am Australian time) after our long haul flight during which I may or may not have combined pills and alchohol (see previous blog). My husband and I immediately fell into deep sleeps (read 'comatose states') from which we awoke five hours later refreshed and rejuvenated (read 'jetlagged and feeling revolting'). We decided to get out and into the sun (read 'shop') so left our hotel and walked to the nearest shopping centre (read 'caught a taxi'). We were near Beverley Hills, and so the clothes were prohibitively expensive, but I still managed to find some sale bargains and bought a few items (read 'lots').

We were both hungry so we hit the diner scene for some food. It was a day of culinary firsts for me. I broke my chilli cheese fries cherry, and then I broke my cherry pie cherry (I am SO proud of that line. Let's say it again, shall we? 'I broke my cherry pie cherry'. Ah......)

The chilli cheese fries tasted great while I was eating it and then horrible five minutes later. The cherry pie tasted great fullstop, until I saw apple pie on the menu, and noticed that 'added melted cheese' was an additional $1.95. I was nauseated, and let me tell you, it wasn't because of the cost of the cheese. It was because of the concept. I mean, apple pie with cheese? Have some dignity, Americans!

We returned to our hotel, and discovered a girl in undies lying in a glass box behind the front desk. She had her back turned to us, so I assumed she was cranky, and didn't knock on the glass, despite being hugely tempted. I asked if perhaps I could be paid to lie in the glass box for the next couple of days, but my offer was politely declined (read 'declined with a look of horror').

And then we went to bed.

This morning we awoke and headed to meet our LA friends. We hopped in a taxi which was driven by a very angry Bulgarian, who abused us all the way there, claiming we were making him drive to another city, we didn't know what we were talking about (even though all we'd said was the address) and were grossly inconveniencing him. The ride took twenty minutes.

We ate at a very posh cafe which we were assured by excellent sources is frequented by Simon Baker. To my profound disappointment, Simon was not there, and the only other patron in the cafe was Steven Spielberg. Bummer.

I tried to photograph Steven but my friend Jack's* big head was in the way, so Jack's wife Rhonda took the photo for me. She was not pleased, as apparently it is 'very uncool' to photograph celebrities in LA, but I threatened to cry unless she did. So she took the picture as discreetly as she could, which turned out not to be very discreet as all as the flash went off on her iPhone. She then slunk in her chair  muttering 'I'm so humiliated' for the next half hour, whilst I waved and tried to make eye contact with Steve.

My friends had business to attend to so my husband and I did another spot of shopping, during which time I picked up this important self help manual for him. Honestly, I don't know how we've survived so long without it.

We then proceeded to Venice Beach, which was just like Bondi Beach, only virtually everyone there was at least one of the following:
  1. Black
  2. Exceedingly well built
  3. Obese
  4. Covered head to toe in tattoos
  5. Covered head to toe in gold jewellery
  6. Eating a chilli cheese dog
  7. On rollerblades.
Being none of the above, we stood out like sore thumbs. This is probably why I was chosen by two performing artists to dance with them. And because I'm on holidays and no-one will ever see the evidence, I did.

Later, dudes.

*Names changed in case Steven Spielberg reads this post.


  1. Would you like cheese with that?
    Love the photo of you 'dancing' with the performing artists. The dude you are hugging looks like he is enjoying it a little too much. So do you actually ...)

  2. Sounds wonderful, scary, revolting and amazing all at the same time!

  3. Hey - don't knock the hot apple pie with melted cheese until you've tried it. (Of course, it must be cheddar.)

    And while you are here in NYC - have you ever had a chocolate egg cream? Classic NYC beverage.

  4. I LOVE chilli cheese fries! But next you really need to get to Canada and try some poutine: fries and gravy smothered in cheese curds. God, travel broadens the mind. And the arse.

    Miss you! xx

  5. Utter Brilliance!! That is all I have to say after just devouring your book in 24 hours. With a nine month old in tow. While on a family holiday. You'll be happy to know that I was laughing so hard on the plane that I woke baby up after it took me an hour to get him to sleep!! Best book I've ever read!!!!!!!!

  6. I love Venice Beach. Such a melting pot of life. Make sure you head to The Grove. Shopping Paradise!!!! *squeals*

  7. Kerri, I'm sure the Yanks haven't noticed your bizaare behaviour. You are after all, in La La land.......Have fun. No-one will notice. Oooh, Simon Baker just walked past our house.......

  8. Ooops, typo alert. I miss spelled that. How bizarre......

  9. I think your next book should be a travel memoir.

  10. Apples served with cheese is a Yorkshire tradition. You haven't lived until you've tried proper fruit cake (made by grandmothers months in advance steeped in booze) with cheddar cheese. Yum!

    Everyone's husband needs a copy of that book! ;) I see a marketing tie in with When My Husband Does the Dishes... I run screaming!

  11. Sounds like you're having a fabulous time and I'm incredibly jealous! Personally Santa Monica was our fave.

    And the closest we got to celeb spotting was at breakfast in our hotel one day we were at the table next to David Reyne... Yeah, I was impressed too :-/

    If you're loving LA (we weren't so keen), NYC will blow your mind! xxx

  12. Almost everything in the US has cheese on it.  It is very strange.  I'm sure if you look closely at the girl in the glass box, she probably comes with cheese ....

  13. LOL....love the photos of you! This is going to be a fun trip...for all of us! :)

  14. I still have the cheese stuck in my colon that we ate in LA and Vegas 5 years ago.  
    Congrats on popping your cherry pie cherry! Bless - you're a real woman now ;)

  15. I'm glad you're here to read now Le Tour is over!


Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!