Free Advice From Kerri

I expected a lot of things when I published my first book. I expected to be recognised in the street by adoring readers. I expected to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. I expected to be offered my own TV show. I expected to be treated with respect for the first time by my husband and kids.

Of course, none of these things have happened (though I was once recognised in Westfield by a friend of my mum).

However, one thing has happened that has been utterly unexpected. I have received emails requesting my parenting advice.

Now, these emails make me very despodant. Anyone who is requesting my parenting advice has clearly not read my book, as anyone who has read my book will realise that I have no parenting advice to offer whatsoever. However, I still feel compelled to answer the emails as I am a very nice person (and am hoping that at least my correspondants will recommend my book to others).

Still, I am a very busy* girl and do not have time to be answering thousands* of emails a month. So I have put together a list of commonly asked questions and my expert advice. Using 'expert' in the sense of 'who the hell am I to be giving advice anyway?'

How should I discipline my three year old?
Discipline never worked well for my older kids, so with three year old Boo, I have taken another tack. Instead of punishing her when she draws on the white couch with texta, I say 'stop doing that and I'll give you a Smartie'. Of course, some may argue that this just encourages her to engage in bad behaviour so she can be rewarded to stop, but at least it gives me an excuse to have Smarties in the house.

How can I get my kids to go to sleep?
Send them to their grandma's. My kids always sleep beautifully there.

How can I get my kids to eat broccoli?
What kind of sicko parent would force their kids to eat broccoli?

My two year old keeps having tantrums in the supermarket. What can I do?
Young children have a natural allergy to supermarkets. Even the sight of a trolley creates an extreme bodily agitation which can only be soothed by feeding the child continually until the shopping is finished, or he or she vomits - whichever comes first. Always carry a change of clothes and some wipes with you. Or consider online shopping.

My 12 year old is surly and gives me no affection.
Refuse to give him access to any technology (TV, Nintendo etc) until he says 'I love you, my beautiful Mummy'). Works for me.

Do you have any questions for me? Or any advice to give?

*meaning 'lazy'
*meaning 'three'