May 17, 2011

Let Me Go The F**k To Sleep: A Wife's Lament

By now most of you should have heard of the magnificent new children's book (that is definitely NOT for children) "Go The F**K To Sleep". Author Adam Mansbach and illustrator Ricardo Cortes have captured the frustrations of parents everywhere, longing desperately for their kids to go the f**k to sleep so that they can get some f**king rest.

Well, I have come up with a new version of "Go The F**k To Sleep". I don't yet have illustrations, but you'll get the general idea.

"Let Me Go The F**k To Sleep: A Wife's Lament"

The kids are finally in bed
With sweet relief I weep.
I go up to the bedroom.
Time to go the fuck to sleep.

In only seven hours my
clock radio will beep.
I need to catch each minute
of my precious fucking sleep.

It's been a long, hard day
of work and chores and problems deep.
I cannot wait to get to bed
and go to fucking sleep.

I tiptoe through the door and
to my bed I softly creep.
Don't want to wake the hubby
who - thank god - is fast asleep.

I slide beneath the sheets
and fall into a crumpled heap.
I close my eyes then hear a voice:
"Hey babe, are you asleep?"

I lie there very still and then I
start to count some sheep.
I'm hoping he will take the hint
and let me fucking sleep.

Just as I drift into my dreams
his hand begins to creep.
He thinks it's time for making love!
It's time for fucking sleep!

He snuggles in and nuzzles me
and out of bed I leap.
"Don't even fucking THINK of sex!
I want to go to sleep!"

He looks at me so hopefully,
his boxers torn and cheap.
"I bet I can convince you
that you're not ready to sleep!"

I shake my head and climb back in
and lie on pillows deep.
"There's not a chance in hell," I say,
"now let me fucking sleep!"

"We never do it anymore,"
says hubby. But he'll keep.
Quite frankly I don't give a fuck.
I'm already asleep.


  1. You are very very funny and very very accurate.  Do you spend your spare time peeking in the windows of everyone you know? 

  2.  Excellent.  I've even heard "You can just lie there"  Oh yeah, last of the romantics..

    Loved it.  I just want to go the fuck to sleep too.   

  3. You're hilarious :) How long did it take you to come up with that? I especially like this part "Quite frankly I don't give a fuck. I'm already asleep."

  4. Hahaha...I think there will be alot of women sighing with relief after reading this....."Thank God it's not just me" !!!!!

  5. Ooh Kerry, thats freaken hilarious! I've read the book, and I love your poem too!!  

  6. Please. Once you get some sleep you'll be all toey and you'll have to write "Please just fucking fuck me" because you're husband will be addicted to flirting with twitter mums.

    The last verse will be:

    Now I'm getting so much sex
    It's whipped cream I don't have to churn,
    it's delicious, fantastic, wonderful, until,
    Like a traitor he whispers "Bern"

  7.  Kerri you are a freaking genius! Absolutely love it!

  8. Oh that is BRILLIANT. Bern .... watch out! Someone is fantasizing about you! 

  9. Didn't take long. I think it was festering there in my brain for a loooong time..... 

  10.  You'd better get this onto Amazon pretty quick smart - definate best seller.

  11. I LOVE it! Seriously, that should be published.  I'm sure it would be on the best seller list before no time LOL 

  12. Kerri, genius doesn't even begin to describe you....

  13. One benefit of single motherhood is that I no longer have to live/lie awake in fear of the 'creeping hand'. I can just go to fucking sleep. (Unless the kids or the pets need me. Or my damna hormones give me hot flashes and  freaky dreams! )

  14. Love it! Live it!!! And is be too scared to see the illustrations! Another laugh from Kerrie; even hubby had a chuckle!

  15. Dear Ms Sackville: Your sleeplessness inspiresThe truest poet of our land,
    I wish you luck- how DO you get 
    A man to 'make friends' with his hand?

    That was superb, loved it, loved it, loved it x

  16. Why the fuck does this sound so familiar? And I always do the dishes ....

  17. Ba ha ha.
    That will take pride of place right beside 'Dishes'.

  18. She can't pretend much longer
    She isn't Meryl Streep
    Please Architect, leave K alone
    And let her fucking sleep. 

  19.  Your best work yet! I may pin that one above the bed. Will be excellent for marital relations! 

  20. Traitor or psychopath!  She might hear it as "BURN!"  Awkward. 


  21.  Deep sleep, peep sleep, creep sleep,creep slip, sheet slip, frisky flip, fumbled dip, mouth to neck, hand to mouth, knee to groin, groin to fridge, ice to knackers. I told you I wanted to fucking sleep!

  22.  very good. if i were you though, i'd buy him see new boxers. you'll see him in a new light!

  23. Kerri, I sleep like a baby, but then I don't have any. Mrs F gave up on me, when I told her I was gay...... ;-)

  24. Yeah, probably not the best move in the seduction game Fendi....

  25. LOL. Had never thought of that......  

  26. Oh yes, your husband will LOVE it *coughs* 

  27. By the way, the above comment was in response to Twitchy's.... I am not telling myself how brilliant I am... but for some reason I can't delete it.... sigh.... 

  28. Maybe not, but at least my sleep doesn't get interrupted......

  29. I'm still laughing and I read this hours ago.  

  30. OMG...I cant believe sooooooo many men just dont get it. They think they are the only ones in the whole wide world not doing it every night and that their wife is the ONLY one in the world that says "let me fucken sleep".
    This is so my life too lol...and that off all my friends heheheh.
    BRILLIANT...but not game to show my hubby...he just wont get it !!

  31. Just as long as he doesn't use the line, "Don't worry love, I'll pull your nightie down when I'm done."

  32. Ah Kerrie - you bring great joy (and mirth) to all us sleep deprived mothers.

    Beautiful poetry. I think you should submit that to a competition - it's a sure winner!

  33. No actually guys share this lament amongst themselves with apparently the same fervor as women bemoan their side. Women only want to be looked at by the cute guys, only want to be told they're sexy when they want to. Years of this result in women making comments like " you never want to have sex with me anymore".  

  34. GOLD GOLD GOLD! Get thee to thy printers again - this needs to be your next book!

  35. Totally love it.  With kids aged 8 and 11, this is probably more my perspective that the toddler version!

  36. Hahahahahahahahaahhahahahaha, I

  37. Please do an illustrated version! We can make it a standard text for all newly married women.


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