April 25, 2011

What Could Possibly Go Wrong???

It's book launch date on Thursday and I am excited as a pig in mud (er... if the pig hadn't been in mud ever before in his life and was really, really thrilled to see mud for the first time). Anyway.... This excitement co-exists with a healthy dose of nerves. Or at least it would, if I was the kind of person who had a healthy dose of nerves. Being the anxious person that I am, I have an unhealthy dose of nerves. But then, I have an unhealthy dose of nerves when I'm driving the kids to school, so it's pretty much to be expected.

So here, so you can reassure me that none of these will happen, are my top fears for what could go wrong at my book launch.

  1. A water pipe bursts and the entire street is blocked off.
  2. I leave my hair colourant in too long the night before and all my hair falls out.
  3. I leave my nose pore strip on too long the night before and half my nose falls off.
  4. The kids come out in chicken pox that day and we all quarantined.
  5. As I leave for the launch I discover I am teeming with lice.
  6. I'm so nervous I need to take valium to get out of the house.
  7. I take too much valium and sleep through the entire launch.
  8. I wear my new high heeled shoes, trip over on the way out of the house, and spend the entire launch evening at St Vincents' Emergency.
  9. I get lost on the way to the launch and miss the whole thing.
  10. Mark Dapin gets lost on the way to the launch and my mother has to launch the book instead.
  11. The bookshop forgets to order my book and I have to sign copies of 'Cooking With Lentils, by the North Carolina Cooking Collective' instead.
  12. I sign copies of 'Cooking With Lentils' and nobody notices the difference.
  13. I have a drink to soothe my nerves and end up giggling through my speech and singing 'Like A Virgin'.
  14. I have a drink to soothe my nerves and end up signing my name 'Spongebob Squarepants'.
  15. No-one turns up.
  16. Everyone turns up but no-one buys a book.
  17. My publishers change their minds and cancel the whole thing.


  1. Just make sure they don't serve crabby patties....

    I am deeply envious of all that are attending...I shall be cheering you on from Adelaide...


  2. I'll be cheering you on from Brisbane and watching the twitterverse and various Twitterati in attendance for rave revues, glowing references to said shoes.... and I hope your publisher has stocked. I've been to a book launch with Twitterati and it was two glasses before said Author spoke :)

    Love @AussieYogaChic

  3. Mmmm, cooking with lentils.

    You'll be tops. Even bald with half a nose singing inappropriate Madonna songs, you're going to rock it. x

  4. You'll be fab. And if not, we'll blog about how bad it really was.

    I'm kidding! x

  5. I too am envious of all attending so u will have at least 2 people cheering you on from Brissie so how could anything possibly go wrong? Your worrying is somewhere on a par with mine. If I were you I would probably have come put in hives or something by now! Of course I hasten to reassure you nothing we ever worry will happen actually happens does it? So you will be fine! Enjoy!

  6. I can't wait to witness all of that. How much fun!

    But really, there's nothing to worry about. Many of us are going for drinks before the launch so we'll be too pissed already to notice any of your problems.

    But I always wanted to learn how to cook lentils.

    ;-) x

  7. As a veteran of two book launches - though neither I suspect as glittering as yours- I'll say they are mighty fun and you'll have a ball.

    None of your imaginary scenarios happened to me but I did forget to thank my husband at the first launch- oops. I'd suggest you avoid this little mistake, especially since your husband's name is inthe book title
    Looking forward to it. x

  8. None of that will happen.
    Heck, I'm proud of you and I've no idea who you are!

  9. I really hope you do the Madonna number. Please. Looking forward to cheering you on from the sidelines.

  10. LOL. That made me laugh. Thank you!

  11. Marvellous. So now I have something else to worry about. HECKLERS. x

  12. Marvellous. Just.... MARVELLOUS..... x

  13. Whooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea??????

  14. You're gonna be FABULOUS honey! FABULOUS!! After all, it's only us, your adoring fans and friends coming. It's not exactly going to be a hostile environment. Soak up the love and try to enjoy it - it's a celebration after all!
    (And it had better be good... no pressure... but I'm expecting singing now...) xx

  15. Sue-(JustLeithal)April 25, 2011 at 8:52 AM

    ..and here I was worrying about someone else turning up with the same tiara as me..pfft! You have WAY more to worry about! ;)

    Oh this is going to be the funnest thing I have ever attended! Yes, I used the word funnest..same as bestest and goodest..can't wait!

    * Already have "Cooking With Lentils", can I get something else? ...erm if the bookshop forgets to get yours in that is... :P

  16. I've seen you in person .. it is impossible for you to have crap hair, so you can cross that off your list.

    Just imagine us all in our underwear. In my case, a too-tight pink bra that is 3 years old with unmatching granny undies.

    My assvice: Remember to breathe. Remember that everybody else is doing just as many, if not *more* headmiles than you are.

    You thoroughly deserve this, it will be ok, and dammit Lucy now I want to eat a crabby patty.


  17. LOL not to mention the Nutella stain on your outfit or toddler calling out in the middle of your speech that she has "done a poo". Oh did I say that out loud? Oops. Honey you will rock it no matter what. Just remember how much we love you hon. xxx

  18. I am going to buy the shit out of your book and I want you to sign it Your Humble Servant, Sponge Bob. And I will also bring my nit comb and check out your curls. x

  19. I think most people are counting on you having a drink, singing "Like a Virgin" , tripping over, giggling, without your hair!! Aren't they? :-) You'll be fab, have a fantastic night honey xo

  20. Like I've said, I'm only coming for the champagne. As long as you have plenty of that I'll be fine. What? This is YOUR big night? Will be awesome. Truly x

  21. None of thAt is likely to happen but here's a list of what is more likely going to happen
    1. You are going to look hot in yr new heels.
    2. Everyone is going to turn up and more
    3. Everyone is going to buy yr book and extras
    4. Yr speech is going to be intelligent & witty. No one will cry. Only those that love u.
    5. It's going to be an amazing night with best friends, family, celebrities(that includes u) and twitter/fb friends.
    6. And then were gong to CELEBRATE.

    Can't wait Kez. It's good to have nerves. But everything is going to run smoothly.

    Lisa xxx

  22. Thank you my darling. Stand where I can see you. And DON'T LET ME DRINK TOO MUCH BEFORE MY SPEECH!!!!!

  23. I foresee no issues. Just saying.

  24. You will be wonderful no matter what, it's your night.
    If we laugh, we laugh with you because you're so witty.
    Everyone is proud of you... that's why we're coming.

  25. Dude I will be there! Epicness will ensue.

    Although some of that stuff might be funny ; )

  26. Ah it is going to be such fun! I've shined up my tiara, polished my drinking boots, and booked myself in. I have to buy lots of books too (due to the whole having re-arranged the whole book club meeting about the OTHER author's book - I need bribes for when I return.) Prepare your signing arm, it will get very tired indeed.

    And never mind the other stuff - we will all be laughing. With you, that is.

  27. It is going to be SUCH fun! I have shined the tiara, polished my drinking boots, and I am booked in. I will be buying lots of books (I will need them to bride bookclub after having rearranged the meeting to discussion the OTHER author's book).

    So prepared your signing arm, you'll need it.

    And the other stuff?
    We will be laughing. With you, of course.

  28. Strewth, Kerri! If all those things are going to go wrong, I might stay home, and wash my hair instead. You'll know when you've had enough to drink, as you'll be book signing on your back.......

  29. The launch will be a hoot, just like you!

  30. Or as you leave the house, you are mown down by an escaped ravenous boar that has three zoo catchers in hot pursuit. Cannot comment further - must go google cooking with lentils.

  31. see you there! am very much looking forward to it :)

  32. ...or I might suddenly decide to heckle you -
    and I'm real good at that...

    Nope, won't really - promise I'll be good!

  33. drinks before? Where?

  34. you didn't mention there was going to be karaoke at the launch! will have to pack my diamante-encrusted custom wireless Madonna-style microphone …

    but you forgot the worst scenario … that we'll all be too engrossed reading your book to pay any attention to the launch proceedings!

    can't wait! xt

  35. Don't worry I'll make sure I'm near you. As long as I dint have to fight my way to the front. Mind u ill fight if i have to. Mandy and i will claim our rightful spot right up front somehow. Actually Any chance I can have a reserved seat since I'm family and all. talk to b4 Thursday. Xx

  36. It could be worse. Your mother could be giving a speech while TudorGrrrl smothers my purple velour covered thighs with flame retardant up the back of the room...but I pro,mise not to embarrass you

  37. I'm only coming for the champagne AND so I can sign copies of my own book. I think that makes it tax deductible too! ;)

  38. Julia Roberts won an Oscar and forgot to thank Erin Brockovich *aw-kward*, but they did not live together!
    If Kerri does same, no doubt the Architect shall name his price. Book 2: "When I f0rget to thank my husband..."?

  39. You will arrive looking stunning and give a great speech. Everyone will cheer you on, buy books for all their friends, you'll sign them all perfectly without having to scrub out bits and then once all the "important" people leave you will be left with your most cherished and you will get drunk as a skunk and dance on a table. It will be so much fun. Wish I was going to be there to hold your hair back at the end of the night. He he he!! CONGRATULATIONS YOU BIG STAR!! xx

  40. Put your husband on toilet duty. (At friend's book launch, just as she was thanking her hubby and kids, her daughter needed to do a wee, so they weren't there to hear it. Kids hey?) Seriously, it will be awesome. Wish I could be there. xo

  41. Seriously, it will be fiiiiiiine. And don't let it worry you that IF you happen to, say, trip or spill champers on yourself or something that pretty much ALL of us have iPhones and Twitter. We wouldn't use them. Honest.

    *evil laugh*

  42. I feel for you! I am unnecessarily nervy also, You will rock it, I have no doubt! Good Luck, I will be thinking of you! Have a great time :)

  43. This has made me giggle in a VERY quiet office. Now stifling convulsions of laughter and warding off questioning looks from those around me. I can't wait to buy a copy and have it signed! x


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