April 4, 2011

Simontology

After my evening in synagogue the other day, I began to contemplate the nature of religion. And I realised that each religion on offer today, despite having various major attractions - celebrations that involve trees and presents (Christianity), celebrations that involve fantastic amounts of food (Judaism), pilgrimages to interesting places (Islam), total oneness with the universe (Buddhism) and the potential for Hollywood superstardom (Scientology) - none of them offers the complete package.

Clearly, if I want to open myself to the perfect spiritual experience, I'm going to have to design it myself. So to this end I have come up with the Ultimate Religion, and I invite you all to follow.

So please find below the Ten Great Covenants of Simontology. Read. And Obey.
  1. Simontologists worship Simon Baker as a god. We know he isn't god, and we don't expect him to have any actual powers, and for this reason we don't bother praying to him - we just fantasize about him a lot and hope to meet him one day. For those who don't wish to worship Simon Baker (or who are more inclined to worship female members of the species), then George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Justin Bieber or Natalie Portman are acceptable alternatives. Except Justin Bieber. I was just joking about him.
  2. Simontologists drink the ritual Gin And Tonic at the Holy Hour of 5pm every night. This Gin And Tonic may be substituted with Wine or other Alcoholic Beverages with the special dispensation of the local Spirit(ual) Advisor (i.e. Bottle Shop).
  3. Simontologists celebrate good news with spoonfuls of Nutella, which explains the alternate name of the Simontology faithful: Nutellites. 
  4. Simontologists are kind to each other, unless 'each other' has done something really mean, in which case feel free to give them hell. 
  5. Simontologists are kind to animals, except for rabbits, which are just annoying, and very bad value as pets. 
  6. Simontologists read lots of books, but never, ever lend them out to other people. They rave about the books and encourage their friends to buy them, but give them only a tantalising glimpse of the front cover before snatching the book away. This is because they know that if they lend the book out, then the author will not make her teeny tiny commission of $1.20 per book, and Simontologists want authors to be paid for their hard labour. 
  7. Simontologists do not do too much exercise because this makes other Simontologists feel bad about how unfit they are. 
  8. Simontologists engage in frequent Meditation sessions, during which they Zen Out in front of episodes of the Mentalist, episodes of Mad Men, episodes of Weeds, episodes of Top Gear, or in fact episodes of anything they like, provided it does not feature Justin Bieber. 
  9. Simontologists do not kill, unless absolutely necessary (for example, in a tussle over an extra large jar of Nutella).
  10. Simontologists do not need a Tenth Covenant. We make our own rules..
So will you join me? Any other rules you wish to add?

27 comments:

  1. Simontology rules state the mother must receive one night alone, to contemplate life, once every month, minimum. In a hotel. With room service. And day spa.

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  2. Simontologists know that chocolate is the most important of the five food groups. Even higher than fruit and veges.

    And wine comes a close second.

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  3. Simontologists believe that Nana Naps are far more important than housework

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  4. Hmmm not so sure I can abide by rule number one but I do like the copious amounts of telly time as proscribed in Number 8. Yay for Simontology!

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  5. I've met Simon Baker. I went to uni with his mum.

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  6. I am onboard...this is totally my type of Religion.In addition I would like frequent trips to the African Bush added to #5

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  7. Damn I can't join you.

    5. is just so wrong. Rabbits are great pets. Way better than guninea pigs.

    So if you change that; add in Phil and Bern's, Madmother's and Sara's rules and the ability to lust after Hugh Jackman... then I'M IN!

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  8. I think you've cracked it. Any religion is followable if the rules have Lots and Lots of Capital Letters. I may start my Own Ology. With Chocolate not nutella (which really is too yuck to have a capital)...

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  9. I have my own religion sorry Kerri. I'm a MacFarlaneist. As a MacFarlaneist, I do follow most of the Covenants, although they revolve around Seth MacFarlane instead of Simon Baker.

    But MacFarlaneists and Simontologists can be friends right?

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  10. Nuttelite. I was lost, but now am found!!

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  11. Simontology,Schmimontology. I hate the man. He has way too much hair, for one person. I shall not be joining your order....

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  12. Where do I sign up? And please provide bank details for sizable donation from Nigeria.

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  13. Could you amend the 8th Commandment to include 'The West Wing'? Then I suspect my conversion will be complete.

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  14. I would appreciate you adding in an additional commandment to state that "tweeting is a type of Simontology prayer ritual and should be allowed whenever the Simontologist feels the need".

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  15. Sign me up Sister Nutellite!
    My god of choice is Brad Pitt!!

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  16. I'm with Annie. Add the Tweeting (or Facebooking, or social media of your choice) and I'm in.

    But really, any religion that includes perving, ah I mean worshipping, the beautiful people, alcohol, and anything chocolate related means I'm in!

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  17. I converted over Twitter. I already feel salvation!

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  18. so long as I can tweet, exercise infrequently, watch MadMen, eat Nutella...I'm in. Can't say I'll be swearing allegiance to Simonology due to ahem, Simon.
    But my brother went to school with Rebecca's Dad so that's good enough a connection for me, OK?

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  19. Nothing about ukuleles? I cannot join.

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  20. I agree agree agree!!
    With what they said!
    macsnorky said...

    I'm with Annie. Add the Tweeting (or Facebooking, or social media of your choice) and I'm in.

    But really, any religion that includes perving, ah I mean worshipping, the beautiful people, alcohol, and anything chocolate related means I'm in!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm in! Seems like the perfect religion for me. Any religion with chocolate anything (and alcohol) seems like it should be the religion of choice. Naturally!

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  22. I'm in! Seems like the perfect religion for me. Any religion with chocolate anything (and alcohol) seems like it should be the religion of choice. Naturally!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Nuttelite. I was lost, but now am found!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I have my own religion sorry Kerri. I'm a MacFarlaneist. As a MacFarlaneist, I do follow most of the Covenants, although they revolve around Seth MacFarlane instead of Simon Baker.

    But MacFarlaneists and Simontologists can be friends right?

    ReplyDelete
  25. I think you've cracked it. Any religion is followable if the rules have Lots and Lots of Capital Letters. I may start my Own Ology. With Chocolate not nutella (which really is too yuck to have a capital)...

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am onboard...this is totally my type of Religion.In addition I would like frequent trips to the African Bush added to #5

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  27. Simontologists believe that Nana Naps are far more important than housework

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