April 11, 2010

Just Another Night At Home....

On Saturday night we had dinner at our house with Rudolph and Marguerite*. We met Rudy and Marg through our children, and really love them, despite them being terribly similar to us in many ways.

Dinner began with a substantial amount of wine, and at least a kilo of cheese between the four of us, after which we consumed enormous steaks, bowls of pasta, ice cream and chocolates. It was like an experiment in how many calories the average person could consume before actually passing out. The answer is... quite a lot, really.

We talked about a variety of topics, as we tend to do with this particular couple. We discussed travel, work, religion, kids, food, and then Rudy quoted some poetry, which he is wont to do after a few glasses of wine. (It was good poetry, too, though admittedly he didn’t write it.)

The talk of poetry smoothly segued into talk of swinging (as, you know, it does). Now, my hubby and I don’t swing, and as far as I know, Rudolph and Marguerite don’t swing either. Apparently, though, there is a large swinging scene in our community. And this fascinated me. How does it work? I asked. What if your husband ends up with someone else’s nice wife but you land with the horrid husband? Do you and your husband kiss each other goodbye and say ‘See you when you’re done’? And what if one of you takes, like, three times as long as the other? Wouldn’t that be a little awkward?

What was especially interesting, I said, is why anyone would want to swing at all (using ‘anyone’ in the sense of ‘women’). Most women I know (using ‘most’ in the sense of ‘all the’) wouldn’t want to have sex with random men at this stage in their lives. In fact, most women I know don’t want to have all that much sex with anyone at all. They’d rather sleep.

'That'd be right,' said Rudolph. 'You remind me of that HG Wells book in which there are no men at all, just women.'

'Sounds good to me,' said Marg.

‘I remember that book,' said my husband. 'They have an Orgasmatron to meet their sexual needs.'

‘Oh they wouldn't need an Orgasmatron,’ I thought, forgetting I was actually speaking out loud. ‘They'd just need a Be Be**.’

‘What’s a Be Be?’ Rudy asked.

‘Er... nothing,’ I said. Marg laughed. I realised I may have mentioned the Be Be to her once or seventeen times.

‘Seriously, what is it?’ he insisted.

‘It’s a... you know... personal massager,’ I told him, but only because I didn’t want to seem rude. ‘I won it in a competition***.’

‘Ooh... a vibrator?’ Rudy asked. ‘Can I see it? I might buy one for Marguerite.’

‘Um... can I just show you on the internet?’ I asked. Somehow showing him the actual device seemed a little inappropriate.

‘Yeah, sure,’ he said. ‘Just show me on your iPhone.’

‘Er... can I show you on your iPhone?’ I asked.

My husband laughed. ‘What, because it’s okay to talk about a vibrator at a dinner party, and okay to show your dinner guest, but to show him on your iPhone would be unseemly??? Is that what it says in the Women’s Weekly Etiquette book?’

I couldn’t explain, but it was late, and I’d drunk too much wine and eaten too much cheese, and it was time for them to go home.

But as they walked out the door, Rudy was busy on his iPhone.

And only he and Marguerite know what happened next.

*Not their real names. Not even close.
** No, I have not been paid for this post. I wish. But if you're interested, click here.
***This is true. I won it on Mamamia a while back. And I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you that I didn’t actually buy it.

31 comments:

  1. Thank you for the laugh! I love inappropriate dinner party conversations - in fact I just love talking about stuff that some people only think about anytime really. That post cheered me up on a day that is not quite going to plan. So thank you again. x

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  2. LMAO, sounds like a fun conversation :) I wondered how you would start a conversation to find other swingers if you were so inclined... There's been an upsurge in comments about it but have no idea if there's been an upsurge in participation (since I've never participated, hard to know). Hadn't thought of the other points you raised... what is the etiquette of swinging lol

    Vibrators... just send them off to femplay to start with, loads of conversation pieces there :)

    Can I come to dinner one day so I can have such fun conversation too please? :) I won't swing from anything, to anyone. Promise :)

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  3. Well, let's just say your dinner parties are a liiiitle more interesting than mine. ;)

    However, I have had the same conversation with friends of ours about the swingers thing..and, like you, we don't, and nor do our friends, swing. (The closest I get to swinging is when there's 1930s music playing with Benny Goodman on the clarinet and I'm on a dance floor. ;) ) But, I've been preparing a post on this myself, because I'm convinced this is the next "urban myth" doing the rounds. I mean really, what's the chances of two local schools near me having a swingers community? With one of them, being a Catholic school? (Ok. Hold your jokes right there!!!)

    Anyone? Anyone at all?

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  4. I clicked on the link and oh my, it's so pretty! But I have to say there is NO WAY I would leave it on my bedside locker as thoughtfully suggested by the website owners.
    And your friends? Sound AWESOME.

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  5. @Seraphim
    It is pretty but that's not the best place when you have kids :) Shades of that Ikea ad lol

    Best put in a box up high where they can't find it but you can :) along with any other adult items/videos etc ? Oh and where a friend can retrieve it and dump the evidence if anything ever happens to you ;)

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  6. The thing I find most interesting about swinging is how you actually get down to it. Like, there you are at your dinner party, consuming cheese, drinking wine... how do you get from that to monkey sex with your neighbour? Who makes the move? Why isn't the other person confused instead of up for it? I just don't get it. Clearly I need to stay in more. Or something.

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  7. I really have nothing to add to the conversation - seeing as I'm not into that swinging sensation. However, as i was reading this post I burst out laughing, to which my hubby said, "It's not THAT funny" (as he dumbly brushed his teeth, probably getting gobs of toothpaste on the mirror, wall, floor, cupboards) and I was just able to catch my breath long enough to say, "Oh YES, it really is."

    And congrats on the successful haloumi grill-fest! :)

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  8. I'm with lifeinapinkfibro. How *do*you get to the point of just knowing you're all up for it?

    I had a friend who attended a lunch, and the host took her upstairs to give her a tour of the house. They got to the bedroom, and he pulled out this photo album and showed her these pics of his wife, starkers. And of other people starkers. She went straight down to her husband and said, "We're leaving." He was busy drinking beer at the time, and was like, "Why? Re-laaax." She said, "Ah, no! We're going. NOW."

    Good move, I say.

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  9. Hee hee. This made me laugh.

    There's a big swinging community near my town too - apparently it started with the hang-gliders...and get this, not only is it for swingers, but it's also a mothers group, with website, with the tagline (not kidding) 'where yummy mummies masturbate together.'

    Now my problem is that every single time I meet somebody new from that area I must fight so hard not to tell them about that group in our first conversation that I struggle to act normal and probably my face twitches with the efort.

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  10. I got sidetracked thinking about yummy cheese......

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  11. People don't "swing" here on the South Coast. In rural areas like this, there's a lot of interbreeding instead.......... Disclaimer--- I'm a refugee from the city.

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  12. nothing more than I love this blog - thank you for sharing :) *LLTMWRB*

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  13. You know I had a similar conversation with my mum (I am 40) 5 days ago - her main gripe with swingers though was where do they find the time

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  14. Once upon another lifetime I lived in a section of outer Melbourne where the tradies ruled and so it seemed, did swinging. It shocked, astounded and bamboozled me and felt sordid and creepy and ALL about the blokes.
    AND there was a LOT of SPA activity involved...sorry but EWWWWWWWWWW all those bodily fluids and dead skin cells intermingling and churning up into a great big swingers soup.
    Sorry me no comprende.
    I am however a massive fan of the boozed-up, NUTSVILLE, inappropriate, late-night dinner party conversation one of my favs was making plans (drawings and all) for a bunker inside a mountain in Tasmania where we could observe the insanity of the modern world from our hidden haven...WHAT WERE WE THINKING (drinking)???

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  15. Okay I'm going to be Anon Anon here today because of the story I'm about to tell.

    A few years ago one of our adult children asked me and my husband what the story was about friends of ours' who were supposed to be swingers.

    My husband and I just fell about laughing because the couple in question are not sexy, gorgeous or young but older (granparent age) built like tanks and quite challenged in the desirability stakes.

    After we picked ourselves up from the floor (where we had fallen, while laughing at the picture of our friends engaging in swinging sex) we tried to work out why and how and where and with whom?

    The only conclusion we came to was that ....... like watching porn or paying for sex (or ..........can't think what else right now) it's about need and desire and opportunity and SEX. And perhaps it's about people who are not so into fidelity ... or maybe it's considered okay if both are doing it at the same time? And maybe it's also about fantasy ... wanting to have sex with a Sherman tank but not be married to one?

    Maybe also the joie de vivre has gone out of their sex lives and doing it in maybe 3somes or 4somes or just plain 2somes with other consenting adults is what puts the buck back into their bang.

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  16. Thanks for the laugh, I can hardly raise the energy to 'swing' over to my hubbies side of the bed these days let alone anywhere else!

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  17. Maybe the swinging couple has lots to talk about later (post coital swing) or maybe they have great sex because of their talk or maybe the visualisation of what he/she did with him/her is a great turn on.

    For me it all sounds like a slippery slope (pardon the pun) into Yuksville.

    What happened to being turned on by your True Love or your Latest Love or just having a frisky night with the wife/husband?

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  18. Kerri, your blog is the only one both my husband and I read. He & I also both follow you on twitter. He has now mentioned you to his mates because he thinks you are an even cooler chick talking about the Be Be in your blog. LOL! Thanks for once again adding a breath of refreshing air to my reading day, most appreciate it. Hubby thank you too ;)

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  19. That is a great story!

    When I think of swingers I think of grizzly murders in Melbourne.

    As for be bes, I agree, personal ones aren't for show! Eeek. But showing them a picture is ok.

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  20. I remember my husband coming home once saying his mate (who I had never met) from work wanted us to go out with his wife and him. Very unlike my husband. All of our friends are kind of mutual. Anyway, his apprentice started telling Phil (my husband) that Scott and his wife were swingers. I was shitting myself about going, but figured, well we'll be in a public place so what's the worst that can happen. We had a nice dinner, they seemed great and then they offered to drive us to our car which was parked some way away. We came clean and found out the apprentice was just fucking with Phil. We are still really good friends to this day. Still can't understand why I was so scared. I mean we are grown ups and can say, no thanks, none of that, but still am such a bloody prude. Couldn't care less about other people being into it, just always wondered about the logistics.

    Re: The Vibrator. Awesome. Getting one as your one and only birthday present one year - Not Awesome.

    Laughed as always x

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  21. I came back to catch up on the comments and got up the courage to click on the link and check out the BeBe - it's rather cute surprisingly, but crikey it's expensive!!!! I had no idea those things cost so much money. Hilarious comments on swinging - I never understood that whole concept - think an indepth interview with some swingers might shed some light on the subject for us all!

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  22. In the name of research, Kerri, can you do some in-depth interviews with a bunch of swingers. Just advertise for them. You and Mia can go along together. Would make a great post.

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  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. Kerri, I love, love, love your blog!!! This post was such a giggle. Shared it with all my friends. As always, I look forward to the next one. Thank you.

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  25. Oh my gosh that made me laugh so hard! Sounds like a great night ;)

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  26. I applaud anyone who uses the word 'unseemly'. It's just funny.

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  27. Oh that cracked me up! Did you find out more about the swingers and swingering?? Not that I'm personally interested, ahem. (no, really)

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  28. In the name of research, Kerri, can you do some in-depth interviews with a bunch of swingers. Just advertise for them. You and Mia can go along together. Would make a great post.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Okay I'm going to be Anon Anon here today because of the story I'm about to tell.

    A few years ago one of our adult children asked me and my husband what the story was about friends of ours' who were supposed to be swingers.

    My husband and I just fell about laughing because the couple in question are not sexy, gorgeous or young but older (granparent age) built like tanks and quite challenged in the desirability stakes.

    After we picked ourselves up from the floor (where we had fallen, while laughing at the picture of our friends engaging in swinging sex) we tried to work out why and how and where and with whom?

    The only conclusion we came to was that ....... like watching porn or paying for sex (or ..........can't think what else right now) it's about need and desire and opportunity and SEX. And perhaps it's about people who are not so into fidelity ... or maybe it's considered okay if both are doing it at the same time? And maybe it's also about fantasy ... wanting to have sex with a Sherman tank but not be married to one?

    Maybe also the joie de vivre has gone out of their sex lives and doing it in maybe 3somes or 4somes or just plain 2somes with other consenting adults is what puts the buck back into their bang.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Well, let's just say your dinner parties are a liiiitle more interesting than mine. ;)

    However, I have had the same conversation with friends of ours about the swingers thing..and, like you, we don't, and nor do our friends, swing. (The closest I get to swinging is when there's 1930s music playing with Benny Goodman on the clarinet and I'm on a dance floor. ;) ) But, I've been preparing a post on this myself, because I'm convinced this is the next "urban myth" doing the rounds. I mean really, what's the chances of two local schools near me having a swingers community? With one of them, being a Catholic school? (Ok. Hold your jokes right there!!!)

    Anyone? Anyone at all?

    ReplyDelete
  31. LMAO, sounds like a fun conversation :) I wondered how you would start a conversation to find other swingers if you were so inclined... There's been an upsurge in comments about it but have no idea if there's been an upsurge in participation (since I've never participated, hard to know). Hadn't thought of the other points you raised... what is the etiquette of swinging lol

    Vibrators... just send them off to femplay to start with, loads of conversation pieces there :)

    Can I come to dinner one day so I can have such fun conversation too please? :) I won't swing from anything, to anyone. Promise :)

    ReplyDelete

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