March 22, 2010

Be Entertained At Your Own Risk

There is no doubt at all that I can be very entertaining*. I make people laugh, I tell a good story, and I can generally keep people amused, often even before the alcohol kicks in.

I am, however, a lousy entertainer. When it comes to giving dinner parties and lunches, I can be absolutely hopeless. The conversation may be flowing, and the laughs abounding, but the pasta will be limp, the chicken undercooked, the cake burned and the wine corked. If we can get the bottle open at all. Last time we actually lost the corkscrew.

Of course, I am capable of hosting a successful party. The key is whether or not I wish to impress my guests. Close friends who've seen me through good times and bad, who couldn't care if I made microwaved frankfurts & then dropped them on the floor, will get perfectly cooked lamb shanks and a date and chocolate pudding. But colleagues, my husband's business associates, and less familiar friends will experience every one of my hospitality disasters.

Take yesterday, for example, when we had the P family over for brunch. The P's have three little boys, all of whom are perfectly well behaved. Last time we went to their immaculate home Mrs P produced a three course meal, all perfectly presented and delicious.

Now, I don't normally compare myself to other people, but I found this somewhat intimidating, a thought I tried to push out of my head as I went shopping yesterday morning. I'd completely forgotten to make my famous home made brownies (I'm a busy mum with three kids, okay???) so bought cakes, as well as bagels, smoked salmon, fruit, avocado, eggs, and some cheeses.

I started the preparations by grilling the haloumi cheese. Immediately the fragrant smell wafted through the house, interruped by the less fragrant smell of something else, as the toddler needed to be rushed to the toilet. By the time I got back, the oven was on fire, the smoke alarm was sounding, and the haloumi had been sent to an untimely grave.

Quickly I moved on to the guacamole, trying to mash the avocado I retrieved from the fridge. Though I was sure it had been nice and soft, in reality it had the texture and pliability of a large golf ball, and dented the fork I was prodding it with. I gave up and threw it to the back of the fridge, where six hours later I found it nestled next to the beautifully ripe avocado I had bought for the purpose.

Having given up on guacamole and haloumi, I whipped up a fruit salad (yes, even I can do that), got hubby to pile the salmon on a plate, and proceeded to make my famous egg mayonaise (mushed up boiled egg mixed with... er... mayonaise).

Sadly, the eggs did not separate from their shells at all well, a fact I discovered just as the guests chose to arrive. In panic, I began ripping the eggs apart, salvaging what I could from the shells, and throwing the torn bits of egg into the mixing bowl. It may have tasted a little like egg mayonnaise, but it looked like something retrieved from my bunny's feed bowl.

We sat down at the table, their sons like three angelic soldiers, my kids like wild beasties recruited from a juvenile detention centre. The toddler threw her food on the floor, calling out 'Stupid! Stupid!' with demented glee. My daughter ate with her fingers, and my son yelled 'I don't want to sit at the boring table!' before smacking his sister and storming down to his room.

Then the orange juice I'd bought the day earlier turned out to be off, I forgot to make the coffee I'd offered, and the P's middle son, upon being excused from the table, walked into our glass door and hurt his nose.

Still, at least the bagels were excellent, the store-bought cake was scrumptious, and I have enough smoked salmon leftover for school lunches for a week. And though my guests may know I burned the cheese, stuffed up the guacamole, offered them off juice, forgot their coffee, and have badly brought up children, there still is one thing in my favour.

They know I clean my glass.

*Is there? Tell me if there is. I am desperate for people to like me, so any suggestions as to how I could be funnier / more interesting / better value for your reading minute will be gratefully accepted.

Have you had any entertaining disasters???

20 comments:

  1. I have an overwhelming desire to shout 'I love you' right now. I'll take your funny over fine food any day.
    Great work - as always. :-)

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  2. Can I come over? Sounds like I'd fit right in. My 3yo is in training to tantrum for Australia and I wouldn't care if you didn't uncork the wine because I have one of those ON MY KEYRING and would be more than happy to help you out there.

    And three perfectly behaved children? Were they bots? Hope you still managed to have fun :)

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  3. oh my that was hilarious, you crack me up (see I am still alive).

    I also carry a corkscrew in my handbag and have a bottle opener on my keyring (it looks like a whale so you'd never know). I don't have a problem, I just have kids.

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  4. Too many disasters to mention- including the time that the base of the banoffee pie I'd made earlier was too hard to cut, so I put the whole thing on a central heating vent in the kitchen to thaw it out, went back to the dinner table to converse with my guests (and drink half a bottle of wine) and came back to find a sea of banana and toffee ooze across my kitchen floor. Still scraped it up and served it though.

    As the above will attest, I am no Nigella- in culinary skills, anyway. Actually, not in any way I can think of off the top of my head. My husband, however, is fabulous in this department- we had 90 people for drinks on Sat night and he'd made them spanokopita, arancini, rice paper rolls and marinated tiger prawns. If I'd been in charge of catering they would have had corn chips and some dip from Coles. I am very good at pouring wine and cleaning everything up afterwards though ;)

    Great blog!

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  5. I'm sorry Kerri, I couldn't focus on much of this post, after reading that you destroyed the haloumi... oh dear!

    I'm feeling a little ill... it may very well be the chicken salad AND wedges I ate for lunch, but no, I rather think it's the thought of haloumi being thrown in the bin!

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  6. And there was much hilaritary - I am the same - can cook ANYTHING for friends and family give me someone to impress and it WILL not work, I loathe entertaining and my children act like banshees whenever we are out/have guests. Hey, at least now they have a great brunch story, and truth be told Mrs P probably went home thinking 'oh my god and when they were over i didn't even wipe down my windows...'*big hugs*

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  7. It's so nice to know that there's someone else who can 'disaster' like I do. Makes me feel less inadequate :) Although the fact that you can write about it and make us all laugh, well that feeling is back again ;)

    What is it with the 'stupid' thing... my son says everything he doesn't want to do/eat/see/go to is stupid. Who taught them that?

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  8. I love you guys. Not only that there are other inadequate women like me (or, should I say, 'less than perfect') but that so many of you have corkscrews on your keyrings.
    You never know when you're going to need an emergency wine.

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  10. I meant to say, as an aside, the Haloumi Cheese at ALDI is brilliant and very good value.

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  11. Kerri, I gave up entertaining people at home years ago. I can cook a lovely meal for my family but invite a couple of people over and it all goes pear shaped. Can I suggest a picnic in the park or a child friendly restaurant next time and leave the entertaining to the Martha Stewarts of this world?

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  12. Kerri, for God's sake. Don't faff around with all that fancy stuff. Give them as much booze as they want, and feed them Nutella sandwiches.Problem solved. EVERYONE loves Nutella. Right? My only disaster was undercooked barbeque chicken kebabs. We never saw those guests again........

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  13. It ok, I have an even better disaster :)

    A few months ago I was having people over for dinner saturday night, only I'd unknownly given everyone fridays date, they turned up and I was already in my PJ's with a mask in my hair, a big glass of wine by my side and the house in a less than acceptable state!!

    After a few naughty words, I pulled out the takeaway menus, poured some wine and we had quite a lovely night- but man I am a serious ditz!!

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  14. Kerri I suspect I'd love your company so much you could serve me eggs with the cracked shells in them and I wouldn't notice.
    x

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  15. Our BBQ caught fire and the fire brigade had to be called out only hours before we were due to have 20 people for lunch one Boxing Day. Flames more than fence-height, patio burnt, BBQ trashed. Yet the roast was fine! Fun day!

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  16. God, there's too many to mention! Try throwing together a Caesar Salad without any lettuce, curry with burnt black bits through it etc. I just can't cook for others. We now just stick to BBQ's, my husband cooks the most wonderful steaks, and I try and whip up an amazing (no cook) salad. The last one being Jamie Olivers Watermelon, Feta and Olive Salad - simple, unusual and unstuffupable!

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  17. Kerry, I was once sitting in the back yard having a beer with hubby when a group of friends rocked over. We were chatting away when they started looking at each other, and then said to each other "she's forgotten hasn't she?".
    Yes, I had invited them around for a barbeque and totally forgotten!
    We got more beer and ordered pizzas and, even though they were relatively new friends, they had the good grace to forgive me, have a laugh and enjoy themselves.
    I loved them for that!

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  18. Kerri, for God's sake. Don't faff around with all that fancy stuff. Give them as much booze as they want, and feed them Nutella sandwiches.Problem solved. EVERYONE loves Nutella. Right? My only disaster was undercooked barbeque chicken kebabs. We never saw those guests again........

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  19. And there was much hilaritary - I am the same - can cook ANYTHING for friends and family give me someone to impress and it WILL not work, I loathe entertaining and my children act like banshees whenever we are out/have guests. Hey, at least now they have a great brunch story, and truth be told Mrs P probably went home thinking 'oh my god and when they were over i didn't even wipe down my windows...'*big hugs*

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  20. oh my that was hilarious, you crack me up (see I am still alive).

    I also carry a corkscrew in my handbag and have a bottle opener on my keyring (it looks like a whale so you'd never know). I don't have a problem, I just have kids.

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