January 27, 2010

No Tie, No Cleavage, And Too Tattooed For School

It started with the tie. Really, I was doing fine until I lost the tie.

"It's gone! It's GOOOOOORN!" I cried, rushing panic stricken around the house like a mother whose son was starting a new school the next day*.

"What's gone?" my husband asked, barely glancing up from the TV.

"His school tie!" I howled, in mounting distress. "I had it and now it's GOOOOOOOORN!!!"

"Oh right," replied my husband. "Can you pass me the controls?"

"But it's a DISASTER!" I yelled irrationally. "He can't turn up on the first day of school TIELESS! He could get in trouble! He could be stigmatised! He could be blacklisted!!!!"

"Well he certainly won't be black-tied," answered my husband**.

I ran wildly around for the next 45 minutes, searching frantically for the tie - in cupboards, drawers, laundry baskkets - even the pantry. My husband helped (using 'helped' in the sense of 'happily watched TV').

"Gee, I hope you find it," he said cheerily to me. "The little guy could be expelled if he doesn't wear his tie on the first day***."

I slumped to the floor, in my son's room, right next to his new school shoes.

And there, tucked away in the left shoe, was his tie. Where I'd left it for safekeeping. As you do.

I went to bed, giddy with relief (using 'relief' in the sense of 'Riesling'). My son was sorted out.

But then it hit me.

What would I wear the next day? It was my only chance to make a good first impression on the parents of my son's new classmates - not to mention his teachers. How on earth would I dress? Should I go casual, or make a bit of an effort? Should I show cleavage, or hide it all away****? Most importantly, would I let the headmaster glimpse my tattoos???

In the end, after hours of obsessive deliberation (including a session browsing my wardrobe at 4am while my son slept soundly and my husband no doubt rolled his eyes in his dreams), I settled on a plain black sundress. This was a sensible choice, a) because it disguised the tattoo on my shoulder, but not the one on my ankle, thus allowing me to be myself but not TOO much myself; b) it was a cool dress and it was a warm day; and c) it was my only clean option.

So I wore it as I dropped my son off, me shaking with nerves, him perfectly calm, and ready for the day.

And though I couldn't hold his hand, and make sure everything was alright, at least I could give him a perfectly tied tie, and a mother in the best possible dress.

*Which I was.
**Actually he didn't, but it would have been funny if he did.
***YES he actually said that. My husband has tremendous fun with my neuroses.
****Okay, so that was rhetorical. I don't really have any cleavage.


  1. Please tell me you remembered to wear shoes!


  2. Like the sharpest pencil, my first thought was, "I hope she wore shoes!."
    And now I'm off to re-do my uniform check for my son's day back on Monday. And find some clean clothes for me in the laundry basket.
    Forewarned is forearmed. Or something.

  3. Wow, I'm impressed you took time to make sure you made a good impression.

    The only impression I ever made on the school last year was when I shouted and cried like a crazy bitch in the office because I'd be sent there to get a late pass on a day when it was raining heavily, there was no parking and I had two smaller children with puddle-fetishes in tow.

    I think you could have turned up that day topless showing both your tatts and still made a better impression than I. You know, just saying.

  4. Oh hilarious!! Hadn't you already left that first impression at the clothing shop, induction days & picking up enrolment forms over the past months/ years??
    My 4 go back on Tuesday & thankfully no ties. I still lay out their uniforms (including socks & underpants, hair elastics are in a communal bowl) like 2D bodies on their floors at night, saves drama & i just can't stand 4 children + husband saying they can't find underpants & socks. I suggest they look in their sock or underpants drawers, then remind them i will bury their socks & underpants with them. Love Posie

  5. What kind of crazy-ass school makes kids wear ties in the middle of summer? I hated having to wear one in winter, I can't imagine what it's like in summer, with your collar all done up and...ugh. Just UGH!

  6. Kerri this post is a testament to the fine mother you are. I got confused momentarily when you mentioned drinking wine and screaming at your husband. I thought you may have been talking about ME!

    Glad the tie was found and you scrubbed up for your boy!


  7. I am just waiting for the human race, which, after all, is meant to be a smart breed of creatures, to realise never to put things away for safe-keeping.

    Putting an item 'somewhere safe' is not good. Best to go with your instincts and leave it lying around (that is, unless my husband happens to read this, in which case: Everything Must Be Put Away).

  8. You are, like, the funniest fucker in all of Blogville.

  9. I had that exact same OMG moment last night...'OMG, what am I going to wear???'
    And then this afternoon I had another one...'OMG, I have to find something to wear EVERY day!!!'

  10. Forget the bloody ties...I've spent all day looking for a fecking roll of Contact that I know is here somewhere!!!

    Would Glad Wrap do the job do you think?

  11. Do you my head in, coolest blogger right after NDM, who is gonna kick your arse in the blogging thing.

    I bet you wished YOU mentioned me on national/Newcastle afternoon radio now, huh!

    Still, wicked. My word verfication is hor mat. Got to mean something.

  12. Fuck. I am all sorted for son's first day - or so I thought until I read this and realised I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WILL WEAR!!!

    And I'm sorry, this is my first comment on your blog (came here via MM) and I swore. So sorry.

  13. Jodie - Glad Wrap doesn't work. Take it from one who knows. I've just bought a new roll of Contact, because while I could find the old one in no time at all, it was so mangled I would never have got those bloody air bubbles out!

    I went along yesterday morning in gym clothes. Didn't even think about it. Actually, that's a big fat lie, and I did wear my matching gym clothes. Nice sundress for pick up in the afternoon though!


  14. very funny as always you hit the nail on the head, I put my sons clothes out all ready for a smooth morning, woke up at 4am in a panic because I had forgotten about his school hat - then in my black sundress already on the way to school I noticed I had something all down the side and about 4 holes around the bottom frill but at least we managed to walk in the gate just at the bell rang

  15. How did you go Kerrie - did you survive? Did you make a little friend in the car park? :-)

  16. Love it! What a great laugh.

    I'm glad you found the perfect dress, and the tie. I know how distressing it is to think that you're sending them off without a tie. x

  17. Hi, I am visiting you today from the Bloggies. Congratulations! How exciting! I loved this post. You sound like a wonderfully fun Mom!

  18. I hate to think of the impression I make/have made at my children's schools. I've never given a thought to how I might dress lol, long as I'm covered and clean I think no further :) and ok, I admit the cleavage doesn't get completely covered (that wold be way too much fabric) but I'm decent enough :)

    Done the mad panic for a missing school item more times than I care to remember though.


  19. Hi, I am visiting you today from the Bloggies. Congratulations! How exciting! I loved this post. You sound like a wonderfully fun Mom!


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