September 17, 2009

Thank You, Minister, For The Thumbs....

Dear Minister For Education,

Though you are frequently and vehemently criticised (for a variety of important and valid reasons), today I wish to thank you.

Glancing through my son's Year 4 English homework last night, I noticed the sentences that he is required to study. I was astonished at how pertinent, vocational, and conceptually advanced they are, and I would like to congratulate the educator who produced them.

For example (and I take these directly from his workbook):

It is absurd to murder a turnip with a guillotine

I am thrilled to know that my son and his classmates are being taught such vital nuggets of wisdom. Many a night I have lain awake, frantic that my child would attempt to murder a vegetable with an inappropriate implement. What if he tried to kill a carrot with a hairbrush? Or a cucumber with a pair of tweezers? Or - god help us - a potato with an envelope and a ball point pen? Now I can sleep securely again. For my son has copied the sentence, three times. And now, he will never forget it.

The claimant made a complaint about the reminder of artificial politicians

This is an all too common scenario, one of which our children should be aware. Claimants make complaints. After all, claimants are litigious. This is why they are claiming. And we all know that politicians are horrible. Real politicians are bad enough, but artificial politicians? Intolerable. And to be reminded of them is just shocking. So why wouldn't the claimant complain?

There was a disturbing murmur from the teacher on our excursion and I fear she will not survive

Yes, that happens all the time to my son on school excursions. Many a teacher has murmured disturbingly. Generally they recover, but on the odd occasion they do perish. It is difficult enough for the children when this happens in a classroom, but at least then they can call for reinforcements. When it happens on an excursion, they get very anxious, wondering if they shall be left alone, wandering forever in the museum. No wonder they fear for her survival. I would too.

'Oh dear', said the butcher. 'I am sad to announce that I cut off my thumb while I was slicing the lamb.'

Yes, no doubt the butcher is sad. Losing a thumb is a sad experience, whether you are a butcher, a baker, or a candlestick maker. Other people might howl and scream, but being a butcher, this gentleman had no doubt cut off several of his digits previously, whilst slicing lambs, cows, deer, and even the odd chook. So by the time he cut off his thumb, he was saddened, but not alarmed. 'Oh dear', indeed. A most dignified and approrpriate announcement.

It is unlawful to wear a faun miniskirt on the bus.

Well, of course it is. And now the children know it. Very well put.

So thank you, Minister. Our children are in excellent hands. Even if some of them, sadly, do not have thumbs.

Sincerely,

Kerri

14 comments:

  1. Were those seriously in his workbook? Thats absolutely ridiculous!

    But pretty funny - it sounds like bad translations from other languages. I'd be having a word with the teacher for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Faun , or fawn . Vot is dis miniskirt on bus thing ? I not understand......
    fender

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would LOVE to know the rationale behind this. Bizarre!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh you do make me giggle, or is it the education system ? Or perhaps the bottle of wine consumed ? Regardless, I have giggled and this is a very good thing indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Only the other day I caught Little Pencil trying to get on a bus in a faun miniskirt. He was going on a school excursion and I thought that his miniskirt was the reason for his teacher's murmurs. It turns out she was murmuring because the bus driver was an ex-butcher who was missing his right thumb. Rumours abounded on the bus that he had lost his thumb through an incident involving a turnip and a guillotine. So it seems that the education your son is receiving is entirely relevant (in our lives at least)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't much care for shades of brown and have always found miniskirts on any form of public transport to be a terrible distraction, so I am very pleased indeed that the new generation are learning the fundamentals of appropriate fashion.

    I do feel sorry for the butcher though.....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fawn is a shade of brown, or a baby deer. A faun is a part-deer, part-human, entirely fictitious creature.
    Make the sentences bizarre if you must, but at least use the correct words.
    Unless the miniskirt was made out of a faun? I think my brain just gave up.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I like to think they were written with a thought in mind for the entertainment of parents, sort of like the Picasso joke in Toy Story.
    And there is a bit of an art to squeezing as many vocabulary words as possible into one sentence. Perhaps it is the work of a misunderstood genius...

    ReplyDelete
  9. All I can think of is Mr Tumnus, the faun from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe", being turned into a miniskirt! What a waste of a man sized pelt.....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Fawn is a shade of brown, or a baby deer. A faun is a part-deer, part-human, entirely fictitious creature.
    Make the sentences bizarre if you must, but at least use the correct words.
    Unless the miniskirt was made out of a faun? I think my brain just gave up.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't much care for shades of brown and have always found miniskirts on any form of public transport to be a terrible distraction, so I am very pleased indeed that the new generation are learning the fundamentals of appropriate fashion.

    I do feel sorry for the butcher though.....

    ReplyDelete
  12. only one word for it ... arseclowns

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!