Today my back is killing me. I injured my back several years ago during a lingerie pillow fight with Chelsea Handler* and it's never been the same since. Sometimes it feels fine, but then I will pick up Boo the wrong way or stand up too suddenly or sleep in a funny position or just BREATHE too hard and wham, my back will click out of place again. And then suddenly I am hideously crooked and horribly bent over like some sad old woman with too little time and tremendous burdens to endure**.
Still, the news isn't all bad. I mean, sure I'm in tremendous pain and have caused some consternation amongst Boo's pre-school friends ("Mum, why is that lady keep saying 'Owwwwwwwww' and making a scary face?") but there is always an upside. Several, actually. And after I take this dose of ibuprofen I will share them with you.
[Insert swallowing sound here]
Okay.....
1. My sore back gives me an excuse to lie on the floor with my knees apart moaning loudly without anyone trying to take sexual advantage of me or ease a baby out of my womb;
2. My sore back allows me to wear those fun stick-on heat packs you get from the chemist, which always give me a thrill of excitement (I still haven't worked out how they heat themselves up when you take the label off. It's just like magic.).
3. My sore back allows me to get away with being in a bad mood. ("Yes, I know I just yelled at you for asking where the salt is. Deal with it. My back is KILLING ME, okay?")
4. My sore back means that I don't have to do housework. The laundry piles up, the pantry runs dry, the towels are left on the floor, the dishes are left dirty, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can bloody well sort/shop/tidy/clean themselves. Or don't. I couldn't care less, OKAY? (er... did I mention I was in a bad mood?)
5. My sore back gives me a week's leave from all sexual duties. Maybe even two weeks.
6. My sore back gives me reason to take copious amounts of medication, which, when washed down with copious amounts of alcohol (which I need as I have had a very bad day as I have had a very sore back) give me a very nice buzz indeed.
7. My sore back means that I have to get a massage. And then another massage. And then, when it's all better, ongoing massages. Wouldn't want to have a sore back again....
*cause of injury is completely fictitious.
**which, of course, I actually am.
Wholeheartedly agree, I have taken advantage, sorry, suffered, from the same 'bad back' since birth of first child 12 yrs ago. A couple of years treatment with an attractive chiro ("just relax while I hug and squeeze you") gave some release but I am given to using my ailment to dodge duties and gain sympathy - evil I know, but there you go.
ReplyDeleteLove this KS . . .as a fellow bad back person I could relate to all of it. How smart to put such a funny spin on tragic back action . . x
ReplyDeleteClearly you will need to have regular back massages up until the night of your book launch, as we couldn't risk a crooked and bent Kerri on that glittering occasion. All tax deductible, of course, and if it's with Sven the Swedish masseur mores the better.
ReplyDeleteI have a bad back. I had a very nice massage by a very nice man who I paid and did not have to repay with sexual favours.
ReplyDeleteYou'd better not have a sore back, when we meet up. I'm gonna hug you to death......
ReplyDeleteI empathize & have better than drugs (sort of) pain relief patches.
ReplyDeleteThey don't "heat" but they "smell"
This also keeps annoying people away from you ie everyone.
I can't take ANY medication for pain except panadol as codeine/ibuwatsits have assisted in making gall stones (now gall bladder free) & a bout of pancreatitis.
Sorry I am getting to the point.... So before April 2010 I had a truckload of all pain relievers that weren't S8 for severe arthritis of hands...found pain relief patches.
As I am a buyer of frequency, I buy a box at a time.
You, dear Kerri, are getting a pack from me .... To celebrate "the book launch of the year"
Kerri, this has been my life since a surf incident in January ... especially no.s 5,6 and 7.
ReplyDeleteThat bloody Chelsea. My knee has never been the same since I locked it over her shoulders when we were wrestling in jelly.
ReplyDeleteInstead of my entire sordid story I'll just say - me too. Worst part is if I stand for too long, it then hurts to sit down. If I sit for too long, it hurts when I stand up. The only thing I should be doing is lying in bed (or by a pool) with a buff young man bringing me cocktails.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I moved away from my spunky physio :(
Happily, have found a new one who's equally as spunky. And a few years younger. :)
Hahahaha.... Clearly not enough vodka drunk with Chelsea... your reasoning very reasonable.
ReplyDeleteBest thing for backs besides massages - pilates. Not kidding. I did my back too quite a few years back. Later I did Pilates with a skilled instructor and hey presto, all signs of back weakness 'gone'. Not kidding. Try it if you can. Cheers. Jo
ReplyDeleteIf you truly wanted to get out of sexual favours, you should've said it was a serious case of Shagger's. Then you could get out of 'stuff' almost indefinitely. Unless you're having a good week- but even then don't push it, we don't want a relapse now do we Mr KS?
ReplyDeleteClearly I haven't been using my sore back for it's intended purpose. Thanks for the tips! ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed that you've found so many positives for a bad back, Kerri. I also suffer and only pilates, yoga and a decent massage every other week keep me upright. Awful stuff really and sooooo hard when you have little children to lug. x
ReplyDeleteBest thing for backs besides massages - pilates. Not kidding. I did my back too quite a few years back. Later I did Pilates with a skilled instructor and hey presto, all signs of back weakness 'gone'. Not kidding. Try it if you can. Cheers. Jo
ReplyDeleteWholeheartedly agree, I have taken advantage, sorry, suffered, from the same 'bad back' since birth of first child 12 yrs ago. A couple of years treatment with an attractive chiro ("just relax while I hug and squeeze you") gave some release but I am given to using my ailment to dodge duties and gain sympathy - evil I know, but there you go.
ReplyDeleteClearly you will need to have regular back massages up until the night of your book launch, as we couldn't risk a crooked and bent Kerri on that glittering occasion. All tax deductible, of course, and if it's with Sven the Swedish masseur mores the better.
ReplyDeleteLove this KS . . .as a fellow bad back person I could relate to all of it. How smart to put such a funny spin on tragic back action . . x
ReplyDelete