November 5, 2010

My Sister

It is exactly three years to the day since my beautiful sister died at the age of 37. I've cried so that my eyes are swollen slits. I've even tried haemorrhoid cream to bring them back to normal (and I have included that line quite deliberately; Tanya would have loved the reference to grief and bottoms in the one paragraph).

I'm not going to talk about my sister's death, but I will tell you a bit about her life. Tanya was awesome. She was a lot like me (the awesome parts of me only), but funnier, smarter, prettier, kinder, and with much bigger boobs (which I always envied) and long, long corkscrew curls (which she twirled endlessly in her fingers, driving us all to distraction). On the other hand, she was judgemental, ruminative and had utterly shocking taste in music, unless you like Heavy Metal, in which case she rocked big time.

Tun was 20 months younger than me and was the cutest baby ever. We were always very close, and used to laugh about my parents behind their backs and bitch together about our friends. We got on well even as kids, although obviously we had our fights. I recall hitting her once, when we must have been about seven and five. She cried big tears from her huge eyes, and I was so distraught with remorse that I ended up crying even harder and begging her forgiveness.

Tanya was a shy child but grew up to be hugely popular with both the girls and boys alike. Even though I was older, I often felt like her daggy little sister. She was much more adventurous than me and did exciting things like dating lots of guys and attending rave parties and travelling that I never would have been brave enough to do. And she thought I was hilariously conservative. I got a tattoo in part to prove to her that I wasn't, but sadly by the time I got it I disovered that she'd already got two. And they were much bigger than mine. Cow.

I was always a good girl, and she was the naughty one, but on occasion she inspired me to acts of great badness. I remember vividly my Year 12 concert, where we put on a little show for the rest of the school. Tanya, then in Year 10, had been put on detention for some transgression or another and wasn't allowed to watch. I was outraged. It was MY shiow and there was NO WAY my sister was going to miss it (remember, we didn't have digital cameras then) and I STORMED into the vice principal's office and DEMANDED that he let Tanya attend. It didn't work, of course, but I felt rather proud of my rebellion, and now I can't remember what the hell the show was about anyway.

Tanya was addicted to clothes. She loved singlets, cargos, hoodies, and purple everything. She had closets full. She had far better dress sense than me for most of our lives, but generously (or out of shame that her older sister was wearing green flared pants) would let me come over and look through her wardrobe and choose things to take home. And inevitably, every time I did my husband would look at me up and down, say 'You look great, Tanya gave that to you, right?' and I'd know who was the fashion queen in our family.

Tanya had a series of boyfriends, all handsome, and all absolutely devoted to her. They were all also linked to each other by friendship, like a human man chain. She would date X, then move straight to X's best friend Y, then on to Y's mate Z, before meeting P, who she met at X's party. But the guys all stayed friends, and they all still loved Tanya even after she broke up with them (which, usually, she did). I don't know what she did, but it must have been good.

I could go on and on and on. The time we pierced each other's ears (for a second time) in the bathroom at my Nana's house. The time Tanya encouraged me to ring a boy I liked, and he rejected me, and we got drunk together afterwards. The time we got stoned with some friends on the balcony of a unit in Surfers Paradise and decided that 'Life In A Northern Town' was the all time greatest song EVER, until the next morning. The day my son was born and Tanya was so excited to hear the news she reversed into her gate. The time she exclaimed, when browsing through my tragic collection of CD's, "Oh look, how cute! She has Massive Attack by accident!"

Tanya, BB, I miss you every single day. The kids and I love you so much.

46 comments:

  1. That's a lot of living she squeezed into those years. What an amazing woman and a beautiful tribute to her excellence.

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  2. Kerri, I am wiping tears from my eyes. Just beautiful.

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  3. I wish you long life my friend. Thinking of Tania today..... Xxxxx

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  4. Beautiful post Kerri. And you know what? It's more important we talk about the living people did, than the dying. More important was the impression she left on you - and the mark she made on life. I feel honored to read a little about Tanya and her life. If she was half as awesome as you - I imagine that she was pretty damn awesome.

    This is probably unsolicited advice; and I've never lost a brother or a sister, but when I lost my friend a few years ago, I was so angry and upset for the first anniversary and then I realised that it didn't need to be a day of anger; she wouldn't have wanted it to be. Each year, that day is a celebration of her life. She made a difference and that's what I want people to remember about her.

    I hope you do something nice for yourself today and take some time out just to look after you.
    xx

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  5. Beautiful Kerri. I think you should play your Massive Attack CD for her today. x

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  6. This is really very touching. It's my brother's birthday today, as you know. I balled last night in bed to the shock of my man. It's been 20 years. I want to write something like this but I can't seem to do manage...

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  7. hugs hugs and more hugs! hope you take it easy today and she sounds like an amazing person who left this earth too soon.

    Corrie:)

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  8. Your sister sounds awesome. I'd miss her too. Take care of you and wrap yourself snuggily in those memories on these difficult days. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of your loss. xx [I love the fact she loved purple :)]

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  9. You're such a doll Kerri, and you're sister sounds rad. Not much more I can add.
    xxoo

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  10. Wish i had the words to somehow help you on this tough day.
    What an amazing person Tanya was, and remains in your hearts and memories. Sending you and you family love and comfort through my tears. Take care

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  11. Hope you're wearing purple today, just for Tanya :) and make sure you laugh more than you cry today. The tears are for ourselves when we've lost someone, the smiles & laughter are for them having been in our lives. Much more important :)

    (((Kerri)))

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  12. An awesome tribute to a wonderful sister. I wish you long life, Kerri.
    (a shopping expedition to Pink would be a lovely tributeto Tanya)

    N x

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  13. Sounds like an amazing bond, life & terribly missed sister. I look at my girls & hope they have great stories too for when they grow up. Love Posie

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  14. Your writing is always sooooo magnificent. You have a gift for putting in words what the rest of wish we could, but never can.
    And the way you get to the heart of things....MAGIC
    Tanya would be sooooo proud to read this & I'm sure she is crying like the rest of us!
    Very very courageous of you.

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  15. Angel, I wish you a long life. Surrounded in purple and in love. xxx

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  16. Sisters are the best. And it sounds like yours was the best of the best.

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  17. Thank-you for sharing your sister with us Kerri, your words have painted a beautiful picture of a vivacious woman who lived life to the max. A big *hug* and *mwah* for you and your family. xx

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  18. There are no words Kerri. You honour beautiful Tanya every time you share her with us via your incredible writing.In awe and humility, Jayne. xxx

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  19. She sounds like an absolutely tops sister. And friend. You were so lucky to have both.

    I love that you have so many memories of her be they funny, sad, horrible or just from everyday mundane ones.

    I wish that she was still around for you hang out with, so so much.

    Since that can't be the case, I wish lots of love, hugs and good times in your future.

    xx

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  20. How beautiful.

    I'm so sorry for your loss....I wish you long life! :)

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  21. You honor your best friend and sister in a beautiful post, Kerri. Thank you allowing us to share your wonderful memories of a life taken from your grasp three years ago.
    I don't have a sister but through my Granddaughters (nearly 14 and 11) I see a sisterly bond even though their personalities are so polar opposite. One always admires or advises the other in any given situation. When one is up, she can help the other who may be down.
    Your pain and longing today is a shared one as you have invited us to remember a special life ended abruptly.
    Thank you and much love to you & yours, in particular your mum....Denyse xxx

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  22. Kerri, cry tears of joy not sorrow, for a life well lived. Tanya sounds awesome,but then I knew she would be. It runs in the family. xxx

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  23. Thanks for sharing with us and I hope writing that helped you remember all the wonderful happy memories that you have.

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  24. Kerri,

    I'm so glad you wrote this about Tanya. She sounds so funky and so much fun. The great thing about our hearts, is that we can hold on to a love for someone like that forever. That will never be taken from you.

    xxx

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  25. Thanks for sharing your wonderfully funny stories about your sister. Love and hugs to you x

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  26. Beautiful. I am so sorry about your loss.

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  27. Thanks for sharing that... I will call my sister right now and tell her how much I love her because we should cherish every single moment we have together and be so grateful to have each other. Thanks for reminding me of that.xxx

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  28. What a lovely post about Tanya and the great relationship you had.

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  29. Kerri, my funny, fabulous friend, you know that I am thinking about you today. I hope you also know I could make it all better and take the pain away. My only sister si 19 months younger than me and a lot of the dynamic you describe between you and Tun is the same with us. I can't begin to imagine losing her.

    I'm not sure if you ever listen to Elly Varenti on Life Matters on Radio National (yes, I am old and daggy) but just a few weeks ago she recorded a tribute to her sister, who died young after an amazing life. I listened to it in my run with tears streaming down my face:
    http://www.abc.net.au/rn/lifematters/stories/2010/3022668.htm

    I hope I never know how you feel, but Elly does. Hugs to you today. xxxxx

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  30. Memories are precious, to have forever! Thank you for your beautiful, fun story.

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  31. She sounds like she was full of cheek. Love it! How wonderful that she has had you to keep these precious memories alive today. I hope you are looking after yourself while you sift through these memories x

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  32. I've got a younger sister too Kerri. My heart clenched thinking of losing her as I read this. So beautifully written. She sounds like an absolute gem. Electronic hugs to you today, and I hope you got the chance to look after yourself after writing and posting this painful, evocative tribute to Tanya. x

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  33. I wish I had the right words Kerri, but really there aren't any are there?
    You said it so beautifully with wist and wit. Tanchumim my beautiful friend xxxx

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  34. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece on your relationship with your sister. I do not have a sister so I felt deeply touched by your words because they gave me an insight into what it would be like to have a sister. You are so very lucky to have experienced such a beautiful friendship. I really do hope that her memory comforts you during this difficult time.

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  35. Dear Kerri, my heart is so sore for you. May she send you a sign. Love and hugs

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  36. Darling Kerri, I am SOO proud of you for writing this piece about Tun. I know you thought you'd never be able to do it, but you just have.She would also be so proud of you. I'm sure it's helping you heal more that you realised it would. Love you. Lisa xxxx

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  37. Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing. I giggled at the Massive Attack comment, such a sister thing to say. Hugs hugs and more hugs. Kirsty

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  38. just catching up on your blog, finally! i read from the top down, so straight from giant penises to this beautiful post about tanya. Perhaps if she liked grief and bottoms in the same para she would have liked this too :)
    Wish you a long life - I am thinking of you xx Lauren

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  39. Hi Kerri, this is my first visit to your blog (I know, I've been under a rock) and this post, in particular, was an incredibly moving one for me to 'meet' you over. A life without a sister who was once in it is a sore point for me on two counts - my sister estranged herself from me, and my youngest daughter's sister passed away as a baby (they never met or got to experience any of those usual sisterly shennanegans).

    Thank you for these snippets of you and your sister. Deeply moving writing.

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  40. What an amazing sister, you are very lucky to have soooo many fantastic memories. xoxo

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  41. Dear Kerri, my heart is so sore for you. May she send you a sign. Love and hugs

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  42. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece on your relationship with your sister. I do not have a sister so I felt deeply touched by your words because they gave me an insight into what it would be like to have a sister. You are so very lucky to have experienced such a beautiful friendship. I really do hope that her memory comforts you during this difficult time.

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  43. I've got a younger sister too Kerri. My heart clenched thinking of losing her as I read this. So beautifully written. She sounds like an absolute gem. Electronic hugs to you today, and I hope you got the chance to look after yourself after writing and posting this painful, evocative tribute to Tanya. x

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  44. Wish i had the words to somehow help you on this tough day.
    What an amazing person Tanya was, and remains in your hearts and memories. Sending you and you family love and comfort through my tears. Take care

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  45. Your sister sounds awesome. I'd miss her too. Take care of you and wrap yourself snuggily in those memories on these difficult days. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of your loss. xx [I love the fact she loved purple :)]

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  46. This is really very touching. It's my brother's birthday today, as you know. I balled last night in bed to the shock of my man. It's been 20 years. I want to write something like this but I can't seem to do manage...

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